2019

I have no idea why on earth I am updating on here. Something strange just possessed me to delete my customized theme in favor of something that can be read on mobile since obvi everyone is on mobile these days. Time to get out of 2008 miya….

Ive almost reached 4 years sober. Its strange how mundane everything has become. I’m finally feeling motivated to dig myself out of the ridiculous amount of debt ive incurred over the years. I’m finally feeling like my cocktail of medications is stable enough where I am productive, but not hypomanic. My anxiety is tempered. My depression has nudged into remission. At least enough for me to actually feel satisfied doing things.

Ive reached a level of success at work that feels steadying. Rhda is on maternity leave and I am essentially leading photo planning in her absence. My bizarre relationship with Cle continues to be keep an aura of uncomfortable familiarity. In his late fifties, he has finally evolved out of bachelorhood to form a relationship with an nyu professor from Japan. Shes japanese and shes pretty and shes a mother. Not sure that the relationship has had the positive effects I would have expected but hey, i’m no one to judge on love. Work is a welcome respite from a life free of drama. I indulge in the office politics and gossip. Its about all the turmoil I want in life. Our office is moving to LIC in January. The new building is supposed to be incredible. They did a mock up of what our desks will look like and I was pleasantly surprised. I was certain we were going to be sitting elbow to elbow, almost making eye contact with the people across from us. Apparently we are getting dividers with the perfect amount of storage. The director’s desks will have a secondary chair available! Thats a huge upgrade for me, as I am prone to sitting cross legged on the floor behind Rhda’s desk to discuss our many ongoing projects.

The biggest thing I am working on is our warehouse photo studio. I spent most of 2018 collaborating with the mtech team on building a systemic enhancement that would allow us to scale the operation. It cost $3m and launched in march 2019. Unfortunately it is deeply flawed and I kept help but feel some responsibility for my naivety in this entire process. Thus, my time is primarily dedicated to troubleshooting the issues, escalating upwards and squabbling with teams for the small pool of money allotted towards fixing things. Its like we have $20 to rebuild the entire lemonade stand. Why is lemonade even a word?

Im still enjoying what I do and it’s given me confidence in my abilities. Ive had some exposure to higher levels of management that has been incredibly rewarding. I just try not to think about how many of them are republicans.

This was the year of weddings. Ive gone to four in a year. Two in seattle, one in brooklyn and one in san francisco. Not one eligible bachelor revealed themselves to me. To get straight to the point: I have dated no one. I have pursued nothing. I have entertained no fantasies. I have felt no desire for someone (in real life lol). I maintain. I self preserve. I evaporate. Seriously though, its been fine. If i think too much about it now, I feel weird. I dont feel sad which I suppose is a good thing, but I certainly dont feel great about it. If anything I feel validated. I knew this would be who I am. At the height of my emotions and infatuations, I knew that nothing romantically could ever top that level of euphoria. Its not that I see dating as pointless, but I do not actively/desperately seek it out. And as a result, nothing materializes. I think my mother is quite disappointed about it. I think she worries about me. She worries about my future. In early recovery, I couldnt see further then a few days from the present. It was impossible to imaging anything farther ahead. Now, when I squint, I see a fuzzy outline of something in the distance. I still have no clarity of what it will look like. I realize that at some point, I will be the only one in my social group alone. There might be some divorces by the time it starts to seem awkward that miya hasnt found purchase in a relationship. And then I can lend a sympathetic ear. I wont be smug or cruel. What would entitle me to that kind of behavior?

Like I said before. I feel validated by my singledom. I said I wouldnt love again and I havent! Yall didnt believe me! Yall thought I was being dramatic! Im not trying to congratulate myself on my lack of relationship skills. I am secretly ashamed of it, as I do view it as a character defect. I never say that to my friends, and I just avoid the topic with my therapist Susan. Its simpler that way. I would like a cat though. They are so cute.

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