Fuck its

Honestly giving up would be so much easier.

I realized I cant afford a plane ticket to Seattle in May for Marissa’s wedding so I’m not sure why I rsvp’d. And then Riley told me she was picked to be in the wedding party. And obviously I wasnt. I am genuinely surprised as the two of them have always had this weird competitive thing since highschool. I most certainly dont want to be a bridesmaid but I am hurt and jealous that I wasnt even considered. I mean, why did Marissa drag my ass to the psych ward two years ago? Like what was the point of that? I’m just saying, that those who arent sick force others to keep living for their own selfish reasons.

Lav just peed on my bed again….. WHILE I WAS LAYING IN IT. I am so fucking tired. I was in back to back meetings today. Spent 2.5 hours on a conference call with m_a_c_y_s about this $1.5 million enhancement my team is consulting on. It only takes me a few minutes to realize I am the only representative from Bloomies participating on this call. When I get this shit launched in 2019, I am demanding a raise. And I want a free trip to supervise the building of the photo studio in Tulsa or wherever they end up building it. That is assuming I make it to 2019. Fuck it right? It was never promised to me. I never started counting on it.

I resuscitated up my bullet journal again. Attempting to track my mood. Its more difficult then you think it would be. Especially if you suffer from a mood disorder. Last time I was bullet journaling, I diligently tracked the thousands and thousands of dollars I spent on pills. Its that time of the year where we go over our annual reviews at work. Rhoda and I are at least in agreement with my behavioral performance. I scored myself 20 (out of 25) and Rhoda gave me a 19. In 2015 I got my lowest score. I gave myself a 15 and rhoda agreed. 2015 was a bad year. I know my mother maintains that I was not a functioning addict, but all things considered, 15 really isnt too shabby. I was eating $250 worth of percs in a day and I still did more than Ruth or Rhoda. Like a 15 is actually pretty solid. So I’m not surprised that now that I am sober, work is the only good thing in my life. I have nothing else, so I am content with a 20 for now. But like I said, next year when I get that enhancement pushed through, you best believe I’ll be scoring at 24.

Jesus who the FUCK even cares.

I am so tired.

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