IF YOU

December 27, 2017 4:52 am



Reunited with my love! Saturday, Carlene had an impromptu christmas party with a few people. Although it was aggressively holiday themed, she actually organized it with the sole purpose of introducing me to David’s best friend IE. Carlene had been blabbing all summer about him. How perfect he was for me. How he was soooooooo my type. In Carlene’s eyes he’s ‘my type’ because he wears vintage Levi’s denim jackets, vans and looks like he is a fan of ‘bands’. I mean…. she isn’t wrong. Ha. The lowdown on IE: he’s 30ish years old, Seattle born but of Russian descent, 6’2″, and graduating this year with a masters degree in engineering. I do love me an educated man….. hmmmm. I wonder if he does actually like bands? Well anyways, I was feeling super nervous about this whole planned meeting because I am rusty as fuck. And it wasnt until I was already in Carlene’s overly festive living room that she informed me that IE doesnt know I am at this party. “Apparently if you tell him that you want to introduce him to someone, he completely freaks out.” Carlene explained to me. Well, thats relatable.

So IE eventually shows up with one of David’s other good friends and I can tell that from the second he saw me, he was scared shitless. *Le sighhhhhhh* Apparently, I am intimidating.

😐

I actually had a pretty good time, although I barely interacted with IE. We purposely avoided each other, preferring to socialize in opposite corners of her apartment – IE keeping David company on the grill outside, while I struggled to build a collapsing gingerbread house. There was a super awkward conversation when IE, David’s other friend, and myself were smoking outside. The two guys kept giving me sidelong looks and breaking eye contact. It was the same basic interrogation that I always get: “Where do you live in NYC? How long have you lived there? Why did you move there? Where do you work? Why do you like New York so much? Would you ever come back to Seattle or do you see yourself living in New York forever?” I find those last two questions to be the most tedious to answer. And weirdly I choked on my usual script so my response came out halting: “New York used to be so fun…. but the fun sort of ran out….. but I still really like it….. for the diversity/energy I guess? And as for living in New York forever? I dont think farther than a few months into the future so I dont know what will happen….?” The two guys kind of just stared at me. Ugh that deafening silence; where even I realized that I was trying to convince myself that I like my life. I guess the honest answer would have been, “I’m too fucked up to know anything for certain anymore.”

I ended up leaving pretty early since my parents had to pick me up (LIKE A GOD DAMN CHILD). They just got a new car, so they really arent into the idea of me driving it around Seattle; having not driven in a year. When I got home, I texted Carlene my observations: that IE was indeed very attractive but that he didnt seem interested in the least. I noted that it was going to take someone much more assertive to coax me out of my romantic hibernation. The last person I felt some sort of attraction to was Batman.
Batman was absurdly aggressive. He was unquestionably an alpha male and that blind arrogance confidence can be such a turn on for me (i know, i hate myself). So Batman’s dedicated pursuit of my affection combined with the fact that I was brutally lonely AND drunk on all the attention I was receiving in rehab, is what led to that giddy, short lived romance. So in regards to IE; even if he had suddenly threw me up against a wall and restrained me by the wrists to make out with me (too much Fan Fic, once again I hate myself), I dont feel as though I have anything left to offer anyone. I used to think I was quite the catch, but now its like mehhh whats the point. Im not even disappointed hahaha. More than anything, I love Carlene for even thinking of me and trying to set me up with someone. She is literally the only person in my life to ever do that. ❤️



I am flattered….. But it feels like its too late. I’m sitting there, shuffling through my six different bottles of medication, and wondering how would I even begin to explain myself? How do you build intimacy when you know that the 10,000 lb word recovery will inevitably come up within the first few times you meet? And assuming he has the maturity and emotional depth to understand the complexity of co occurring mental illnesses, what are the chances he looks past my [significantly reduced] exterior and still wants to interact with that black hollowed out bullshit inside me? I wouldnt call this insecurity. I would call it apathy.

If I cried over heartbreak songs anymore, I would include Jungkook’s cover of If You by Big Bang on his my playlist.

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