Crystal Snow

君を抱き締めたい 消えてしまう前に もう一度
叶えるため 舞い上がる Crystal
ねぇ言葉足りないけど ありのままでも伝えるから
Can I touch your heart
信じて欲しい 迎えに行くよ
Someday, Someday…

It’s always you, It’s always you, crystal snow
(Let me see your smile,oh baby, eh)
It’s always you, It’s always you, crystal snow
(Let me feel your love,そう どこまでも Fuu)
It’s always you, It’s always you, crystal snow
(Let me feel your love, our crystal snow yeah)
It’s always you, It’s always you, crystal snow
Oh yeah
Crystal snow, oh, ohh
どこまでも Baby crystal snow

Jungkook can fucking serenade me with his Japanese any day. The way he sings those last two words of the song gives me shivers. I love that this is practically a disney princess song but lyrically its beautiful and vocally my babies killed it. It shows their versatility as a group. The fact that they can so effortlessly sing in Japanese is SO SEXY. Korean and Japanese are NOT linguistically similar at all.

Ive started watching this ridiculous J Drama made in collaboration with Netflix called Good Morning Call. Its based on a shōjo manga (which is practically all I read when I was 11-16 years old) and the plot is one of those classsssssic shōjo tropes: Nao Yoshikawa finally gets to move into her own apartment while in high school (wut??) but oh no! Somehow the hottest, most popular boy in school also lives there! *Romantic comedy ensues* Of course nothing about this makes sense. But its still satisfying to watch. And the best part is that I’ve gotten both my roommates hooked. I think the only real ‘female catered’ literary fantasy they’ve encountered is Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey . Now more than ever, I sometimes need this absurd fluff in my life. Obviously there is a secondary love interest character or it wouldn’t be a triangle formation yall! And Daichan (played by Dori Sakurada) is pretty damn attractive.

What is the point of this post? I guess to continue to document how ashamed I am of my life. The stupidest shit brings me joy. Im boring as fuck. All I do is work. I have nothing of interest to talk about. I still experience internal rage whenever anyone asks me what my plans are for the holiday/weekend/futurelife. No lie: I miss the chaos. I miss using. I miss having my heart and brain so overflowing full of emotions that I cant even function. I miss having a purpose even if it was to drive myself out of existence. I miss the romance of being a drug addict. Looking fucked up all the time, random bruises from scratching myself incessantly, the throaty voice from hell that every opiate addict acquires, the fearlessness of not giving any fucks about anything, the thrill of meeting my dealers, popping pills in front of everyone on the train with no one realizing this is a flimsy cover for what I truly am: a sad lonely junky girl. In the beginning of my recovery I said that it felt like I was treading water, waiting for my will to live to return. Unsurprisingly that came on so slowly I cant even tell you when it happened.

Prozac Nation

I suppose there is a certain survival instinct in all this. Like the moment you jump off a bridge you realize there was another way out. Today, kpop idol Kim Jonghyun committed suicide at age 27. He was from one of Korea’s most successful boy bands, Shinee. The level of mourning on social media is insane. The kpop fandom is so much bigger than people realize. Jongyun is the second idol from SM entertainment to commit suicide in the last three months. Frankly, Im surprised there havent been more. I think TOP was pretty close with his overdose scandal. I can even begin to fathom the amount of pressure and scrutiny these idols are under. Eating disorders and anxiety/depression are rampant in the industry. There was a story I heard recently about BTS going to Sweden on vacation a year ago and being chased by girls. Jungkook and Jin’s clothes were torn, Taehyung got lost trying to hide in a building, someone was trying to take pictures of RM in his dressing room and when Suga asked them to back off, they made fun of his english. The rest of the Swedish Army had to make a youtube video apologizing on behalf of their country. Totally ludicrous. True armys are respectful and try to give the members space to enjoy their private lives, but its got to be rough when you are legit afraid of your fans. Anyways, I am touched deeply by the messages I am seeing on twitter and tumblr for Jonghyun. His sister called the police to do a wellness check on him, he was found in his apartment and brought to Gangnam hospital where he was later pronounced dead. I read somewhere that it was carbon monoxide poisoning which has got to be on of the worst ways to do it. The posts that really hit me are the ones saying “It’s cold today, dress warmly on your way to heaven. You worked hard.”

I never take selcas anymore. I stopped wearing make up altogether from june until november. It just became too bothersome with the heat and humidity of new york. I was constantly dabbing at my face trying not to smudge everything. Now when I show up to work with my typical face on everyone looks shocked. “Your make up looks soooo good!” ……No it really doesnt. Its just that I AM wearing make up. Im not quite sure when my laziness superseded my vanity. I think it must have something to do with my recovery but I dont really care enough to over analyze it. Who the fuck am I trying to impress anyways? The only men I interact with is Roberto (who is flaming) and Mike from retouching. He and I can be the same exact person sometimes so there is nothing interesting happening there.

I feel so much more like an old version of myself. Instead of stanning Jared Leto, im stanning BTS. Im no longer in denial of how broke I am. I am have finally found myself a frugal life the past two months. Now I just need to spend minimally for the next five years and Im all set. The main difference between my old self and my present self is the lack of loneliness. I rarely think about the fact that when im not at work im alone 90% of the time. Im fairly certain there is still a gaping God-Sized hole in me but I cant feel it anymore. Only recently has my libido started firing up again and its so uncharacteristic that I pretty much ignore it. I honestly think its been sparked by my adoration of BTS. In retrospect, I always saw myself with a man of color. I obviously am fairly open minded and a product of an interracial relationship so having a diverse life partner seemed natural. And here I am; worshipping the faces and bodies of these kpop idols and im kicking myself for not dating more korean and japanese boys before I had an emotional breakdown. I should have put my petite frame to better use while I still had it! So it goes without saying that I was extra shocked that I fell SO HARD for someone of the aryan race. I never would have guessed that is who would bring me to my knees… Completely blindsided.

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