Train to Busan

All gifs stolen from Tumblr and belong to respective parties.

I guess its about time for me to admit my love for zombie movies. This was basically the Korean version of 28 Days Later. I was SCREAMING for most of the movie and then sobbing by the end! It was an emotional rollercoaster. And I dont know what the FUCK is going on with my biological clock but it was just so sexy seeing those [literal] daddies fucking beating the shit out of the zombies. And the teenage boy protecting the girl who has a huge crush on him? OMG MY HEARTU ACHES. Anyways. Thank god for Netflix having this. And of course this post on my tumblr has me DYING of laughter.

Redecorating my bedroom

Post bed bug armageddon the apartment was a mess. Everything is thrown in massive 40 gallon plastic contractors bags. It was impossible to find anything we needed. I decided to take this opportunity to paint my bedroom again. I painted my room the second I moved to Harlem but along the way, when they were ripping out the walls to install insulation, they ended up repainting my room white. I was super bummed because having my room painted really meant a lot to me. Im such a homebody that the tranquility of my room is super important.

I put a lot of sweat into painting my room. I did it over the course of three weekends and I did two coats on everything. The only wall I didnt paint was the wall behind my bed because I do want to find another tapestry to hang up there. I dont care how juvenile it seems. I find it a really nice/economical way to inject some color/print/personality into my space. I love painters tape so much! It’s so satisfying pulling it off and having that nice clean edge heheh.

As part of my redecorating routine I’ve had to run to the Goodwill in east harlem a few times to drop off bags of shit I dont want anymore. On one of these Saturday night excursions, I was dropping stuff off an hour before they closed. On the way out of the building I happened to glance to my right and noticed the most gorgeous poster ever. I stopped dead in my tracks in shock. The manager saw me oogling it and told me some guy dropped it off yesterday because it didnt go with his decor anymore and that it was a 1967 original. It was huge, already framed and only $80. The poster was in Italian and I didnt recognize the film title, but it had the beautiful Bridgette Bardot and I was smitten. I eventually looked up the film and its called Two Weeks in September. I literally only had $4 in my checking account (still working on my financial mess) so there was no way I could buy it. But I couldnt stop thinking about it on the walk home or the next day. Finally I convinced my mother to front me the cash to buy it with the intent of paying her back as soon as I got paid. I called Monday morning as soon as Goodwill opened and asked if I could put the print of hold, or buy it over the phone. The manager checked all the windows and the back and couldnt find it. He thinks it sold on Sunday. Totally dismayed I went to Goodwill after work just to double check this guy wasnt lying to me. Sure enough the print had been replaced with some mundane painting of a snowy landscape. Ughhhhhhh!!! I was so pissed. Of course, my obsessive nature kicked in hardcore. I started researching vintage movie posters and discovered this site Posteritati that had a huge archive of movie posters from every decade. Thats when I discovered this gem:

I had to have it!! It was also $80, just unframed. I realized Posteritati has a showroom downtown between broome and grand street. This holiday weekend I was out and about running errands, so I decided to stop by and check it out. But obviously I knew I was going to buy it. I wouldnt just go to a showroom and stare at the archive books because those were all posted on their website anyways. Really I wanted to get a sense of how big it was because I have a really difficulty time visualizing dimensions for some reason. Its 27 x 41″ just for reference. The sales guy was nice enough to take it out for me to look at and I pretended to admire it for a few minutes and then announced I would take it. They were also doing a labor day sale of 15% off so yay me. I asked them about their framing options, knowing very well that I wouldnt be able to afford their services. I was admiring this shadowbox frame that was sitting behind the guys desk. I liked that the poster was held in place with binder clips. Hopefully you can tell from the picture below:

I took my poster home: it was packed nice and neat, wrapped in brown paper and tucked in a hard shipping tube. It also came with a signed letter of authentication, which is a nice touch. I dont have any particularly strong feelings about Bridgette Bardot other than she is gorgeous. And frankly, my impulse to have a vintage film poster stemmed from me wanting something aesthetically pleasing on my newly painted walls. Her hair color in this poster is basically my ideal hair color hahahah. I just love the warm tones and the fact that the title of the movie is Contempt seems oddly suiting for me. Now I guess I should probably go watch the movie…..

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I got some new bedding and I’m still playing with the mix of colors/fabrics to get my preferred look. I got this insane bronze velvet sham + quilt/coverlet for free at work thats worth like $700. I told the OJM that he owes me for letting him get away with some sloppy turn ins for his fall deliveries and he came through. Hahahah. All the OJM’s want me to like them because I can pull the strings and get shit done for them. Anyways, this bedding collection would look a little stupid if I used all the champagne satin accents that it came with. A little too luxe/glam for my taste, so I am trying to layer it in with lightweight cotton and contrasting pillows to give it a more vintage feel.

I managed to score this cute little pillow at Anthropologie on clearance for $28. There home stuff is great, its just hella expensive. When I was in middle school, I used to think that I would start wearing Anthropologie when was in my thirties hahaah. Clearly I had an unrealistic expectation of my financial future.

I have to go finish doing some laundry and putting all my stuff back in my room before I leave for Seattle on Wednesday. My room looks so nice and clean without anything in it…. *sigh* Now I have to cram all this useless crap that weighs me down literally and figuratively back in to my cave/coffin. But at least the interior has a nice bright neutral pink to attract some joy again.

Wonder woman

I knew I wanted to see Wonder Woman the second I heard about its release, but I couldnt really anticipate how much I adored it. Ive been blowing up my tumblr with all the fangirling and wondertrev shipping posts from across the internet. I actually dont feel like blathering on about the fact that this is a female director (Patty Jenkins is only the second woman to direct a film with a budget of $100M) or the representation of my kind of feminism (strong women do love.) Instead let me remark on how the story effected me.  This was a perfect love story with both characters developing independantly and together. Diana and steve were such great partners. Equals! Mutual respect! Admiration! What a concept! By the end I was shocked at how touched I was with Steves sacrifice. And I distinctly chose to suppress this great swelling of emotion. I glanced over and even my baby gurl from rehab, Adrienna who likes to act all hard and badass, was shedding a few tears. Normally I would freely admit i cry in movies. Like even before I started spiralling from BPII, I was a movie crier. Ive just always been hyper sensitive and I consider myself empathetic. Riley never cried during the movies (except for the Temptations movie on vh1!)   So it is weird for me to suddenly shove the emotion down before It even surfaces. I talked to Susan about it later. She thinks Im afraid of triggering myself by getting swept away with feelings. In rehab, my counselor always told me that my hyper sensitive periods that resulted in me sobbing, were like a wave at sea crashing over me while i struggled to stay afloat.  It wasa perfect analogy at the time but a year and a half into recovery and i wont even let a super hero movie touch me.    

Susans right. I am afraid. I havent capsized in ages and im comfortable with my steady stormless waters. Im not even drawn to anything that previously made me feel too much. Im sticking with safe subjects like recovery, politics, beauty, comedy and law. I dont listen to Lana Del Rey. I dont cyber stalk. I keep to myself. Dont get close to anyone. Dont dwell. Dont cry. 
I was walking thru the east village today in this 93 degree hellfire to get my nails done when i caught myself  thinking that everything worth anything has probably already happened to me. Am I still crushingly lonely? Yes. But i just dont care anymore. 

Tale as old as time

I went to see Beauty and the Beast last night. I wasnt prepared for how french it was. I knew the fairy tale originated in france but im so used to the unspecified magic kingdoms of Disney it was kind of jarring to see all those wigs and period costumes. The movie really wasnt what i was expecting at all actually. But i loved Dan Stevens as the beast and the big transformstion at the end was so completely accurate to the animated version it was kind of crazy. But mmmm i love me some long haired prince in his undershirt and long hair. Hahaha wtf? The beginning is very nostalgic for me. During my sadness i would watch the animated prelude over and over, and feeling such a profound connection for the self loathing, love-less cursed beast that was doomed to a lonely life if only he could accept the love of another and love her in return…. ive been hit with quite a bit of nostalgia recently. I mentioned it to my therapist off hand. Ive been watching a fuck ton of tv recently. i guess this is what emotionally stable people do? This season of Girls has been killing it! I cant believe how good its been. Its almost like Lena Dunham got over herself and started writing relatable shit. So far we are definitely reliving the highlights of Adam and Hannahs relationship with the implication that they are finally coming around to being together. The ending credits to episode six featured a teaser to a Robyn song ive never heard before. Laura watched me spaz out over this and frantically scour the internet for more information. No release date yet ugh!!  Ive also been really into Big Little Lies on HBO. Alexander Skarsgard plays another violent aggressive character who beats his wife and who leaves me simultaneoualy  turned on and horrified. The nostalgia part comes up randomly. Theres just certain camera angles of Skarsgard that spark a buried memory. Its like a punch to the stomach. 
In addition to my nostalgia, I spent a considerable amount of time talking to Susan about my lack of romantic life. I suggested the words disinterested and apathetic which i was using as synonyms for each other; however susan disagreed. She felt that apathy has a negative connotation akin to defeat. In that sense I re framed my thought process as completely disinterested. I havent felt affection for anyone since Batman a year ago. And that was some weird rehab goggles situation so i barely think that counts. Dating simply seems pointless. I know im emotionally triggered by disappointment and anxiety. Two feelings that often arise when i get my hopes up about someone. I used to be so lonely. But now i feel nothing. Its gotta be the medication or Lav that is sustaining me.  Dating would 100% put my sobriety at risk. And as we all know, there is no guarantee i would survive a relapse. 
I went out to jersey on saturday to visit Neil. His clean date is a little after mine. He also drinks and smokes weed here and there so his recovery is similar to mine. We didnt really do anything except eat at a diner and drive around the hood. After youve basically lived with someone for two months, the intimacy trumps the pretense for meaningless activities like brunch. He and i built a friendship with nothing but our burned out souls and a whiteboard. Neil lives just outside Patterson and he took me to all the places he used to cop (ie buy heroin). It was crazy. Every corner he turned he predicted exactly which corner or stoop there would be a dealer. He had prepared me to be “yerped at” and sure enough as we drove by one of the guys shouted at us “Eyyyyyyyyyyyy!”   Ah the mark of a true salesman. Neil said the police were cracking down (no pun intended) and pointed out the camera towers that were now parked on the street. I must have seen a dozen guys waiting for customers. We pulled up to a red light and a trembling old man dropped a needle right in front of us. Im not the kind of addict who knows she could be dropped in anywhere USA and still find drugs, but this little tour of New Jerseys open air drug market with the cheapest heroin, was eye opening. Neil pointed out the trap houses that Batman used to talk about frequenting in rehab. Patterson has some really interesting architecture. Neil said 28% of the city is section eight housing, but i was struck by how vintage and interesting the architecture was. You can practically feel how this city was built on the hum of industry (its nicknamed silk city for its history in textile manufacturing) and then slowly sunk into the realm of ghosts. Apparently there is a movie about a Patterson bus driver played by Adam Driver that came out recently. Its on my to watch list for sure. 

Neil and i spent some time chatting about our using and recovery. I asked him if he ever thinks about heroin as a contingency plan…. like if everything goes to shit, there is always the option to be a straight up junky again. He snorted at my ridiculousness. Of course he considers that option every single day. Sort of comforting to know we are on the same page. 
Anyways thats all ive got for now. I have more to say in a bit.