Domestic violence

Dont you fucking dare try to assault your baby mama in the hallway outside my apartment. Youve got her cornered in the elevator in nothing but her nightgown?! And shes pleading with you and youre being so fucking loud. Yeah I heard her asking someone to please help her. I will open the door and bellow at you “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?! LEAVE HER THE FUCK ALONE!” I will call the cops on you and your weak ass! And then you run out of the building like some piece of shit coward…. I see you. I saw you. I know what you did. 
Over half of the killings of American women are related to intimate partner violence, with the vast majority of the victims dying at the hands of a current or former romantic partner, according to a new report released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. 
I guess the fact that I am always at home, alone with Lav, watching Mindhunters and youtube videos of pet tarantualas molting actually came in handy for once. 

Weddings at work

Omg Cole’s boss is getting married. Shes the SVP of Creative and shes so stunningly beautiful. Shes like this tall willowy woman with the best sense of style. Shes literally the most aspirational person in my office. And she knows my name!!! <3 Ugh Im so obsessed with her and her daughter is getting so big!! She runs around the office sometime. Cole is going to the wedding and I cannot wait for the pictures because knowing her, the wedding is going to be insanely gorgeous. The announcement is featured in the nytimes!! https://nyti.ms/2xW1Ms3

Twenty Eight


So whats been happening lately? It doesnt feel like very much…. My routine has become so incredibly boring its not even worth writing about. I’ve officially survived my second round of bed bugs. I literally would not wish them upon my worst enemy. I dont really want to dwell on it anymore, but I’ll give an abbreviated recap. I was waking up with new bites every day july of last year. I was so oblivious that I actually was convinced they were mosquito bites. I legit went to the store and bought a fucking mosquito net!! Those little bugs were like “heheheh this bitch thinks a nets going to stop us….”. And of course, I was the only one getting bit. French Sarah and Bailey were completely untouched. Finally I sat up one night and decided to look behind my pillow for shits and giggles. There was a bed bug chilling on my tapestry. It was almost like a cartoon or something it was so absurd.

I called the management company and they scheduled an exterminator to come treat the apartment. It was the biggest pain in the ass ever though because they make you put everything you own in plastic bags. I must have had ten bags of clothes in the shower and hall closet. This is when my hoarder tendencies start to overwhelm me. What I wouldnt give to be able to be subscribe to some minimalist experience. But I guess I am coming to accept that my room is a reflection of my mind, covered in lipstick, dried tears, memories that practically light up when you reach for them, cat hair, pills, dead plants cigarette ash, and piles of plaid and leather. Well it took me forever to pack all that shit up. Lav had to go to queens to stay with Bailey’s uncle because she couldnt be in the apartment for over a week. The guy came in, hit on Bailey and then started squirting some liquid shit all over the place. We had to be out of the apartment for four hours. We lived out of bags for a week and then the guy came back for a second round. It obviously worked…. for a while. I started to get bit again in March. I kept it to myself for a while, not wanting to frighten my young new roommate Laura. But eventually shit hit the fan and I had to tell them. Shortly after speculating that we had bed bugs again, Laura started getting bit too. I was so beyond upset and angry. Honestly, the idea of using was one of the first things that popped into my head. Yeah go ahead and laugh at me. But sometimes my fragile emotional state doesnt want to have to face reality. There is something so traumatizing about bed bugs. At the end of the day, they dont actually do any harm. The bites are annoying but its not like you are going to catch some awful disease from them. But there is something psychologically disturbing knowing that you are going to have bugs crawling all over you at night, biting you and leaving bloody shit smears all over your sheets and there is NOTHING you can do about it. You cant tell people because there is such a stigma around bed bugs. You feel like dirty trash, even though it has nothing to do with cleanliness or hygiene. Dont bother trying to blame someone or play detective trying to figure out where they came from. You will NEVER find out, and you will drive yourself crazy trying to avoid the entire world. You can literally sit next to someone on the subway and get them. AGHHHHHHHHHHHH it makes me want to cry just thinking about it.

Well I ended up paying a $1k to have a company with excellent reviews on yelp come to treat the apartment. Obviously the management company hired some sheisty piece of shit exterminator and I wasnt trying to go through that again. This new company didnt make us pack up and had a four step treatment plan that sounded much more intense. They have ultimately treated our apartment twice but it hasnt been nearly as disruptive as what we had done in August. Its been less than a week since the second treatment so its too early to be celebrating, but I am PRAYING TO THE VIRGIN MARY PLEASE EXCISE THESE HELLISH CREATURES. Im itching all over just thinking about it.

I turned 28 years old on April 8th. I couldnt believe it tbh. But rather than fighting it and obsessing over it and spinning myself in mad circles, I just sort of accepted it. Getting clean has definitely been challenging for me. And this year has thrown me some random curve balls. And Im not just referring to the bed bugs. Ive also had to be tested for lupus and had a cervical biopsy. Apparently I’m NOT negative for lupus but as long as im not symptomatic, there is nothing to worry about. And as for my cervix? Its just fine. I am pretty much the least sexually active person ever so it BETTER be fucking fine. (Speaking of sexually active, neil tells me that Batman has knocked up his girlfriend so he left his sober living house to move in with her. As long as hes clean, Im sure he can handle anything!)

I didnt do anything fancy for my birthday. I went to Karaoke with Laura, Bailey, Marissa, Carol Ann and Michelle (Carol Ann’s gf). We sang Defying Gravity and Lips of an Angel. I missed Riley. She sent me the most wonderful gift ever though! Its a tee from Kylie Jenners shop and it says “I’m the Kylie, Youre the Kendall” Ahhhhh genius!! She knows how much I adore Kylie. Who the hell have I become? I play the Kendall & Kylie game on my phone, I get long pointy arylic nails in the east village, I watch hours and hours of tv (my recent faves are Big Little Lies and Harlots), I smoke cigarettes, I listen to podcasts on politics and current affairs, and I maintain relatively healthy boundaries at work. Its like i’ve transformed into a different person. Sometimes I cant even think about how boring I am because it starts to bore me. I barely dream about him anymore. He comes through my head and I watch it silently pass, razor sharp edges just begging me to try and hold on to it as tightly as I used to. Im not going to lie, the thought still appeals to me. There is that Nirvana lyric, “I miss the comfort in being sad” that couldnt be more true for me. But there’s a distance now. The thought is too high up for me to even attempt to grab. Like the bag of sugar on our top shelf.

I was promoted in April. I went from Junior Photo Project Planner to Senior Photo Project Planner. Hahah it sounds stupid but it is a two title jump which is pretty unheard of. I knew I deserved this, im just not sure my bosses did. I had to start over completely after what happened in 2015. There were things that were said that can never be taken back. I’ll never trust anyone at Bloomies ever again. Sounds like an extremely positive environment for career growth, no? Ive been asked by several people what will change in my responsibilities. Not much actually. Ive been doing managerial level work for several years now. Even loaded on pills, I did more than anyone else on my team ever did. And now that I dont have to go outside and cry hysterically every few hours, Ive been getting a LOT done. There was that whole system roll out I accomplished as part of a company stakeholder team in which I had to rip apart a shabbily built process and reassemble it, add some weird patches, test it for months, then train the entire organization on how to change the way they think. I’ve also helped train over a hundred girls (and some boys) last year on how to be the best merchant assistant ever. I gave a lovely coherent presentation to the VP of marketing which he remembered during my review. I set up a new plan for cashmere and the fall 2017 catalogs for rtw,mens and home. I facilitated back to back turn in meetings every tuesday from 10am-6pm and when Marija went on maternity leave, I took on her JPEG turn ins on thursdays. Ive worked with copy and retouching and all our outside studios on shortening our workflow. Ive helped troubleshoot delays in our pilot studio at the distribution center. I co-taught classes to an audience of buyers on the significance of accuracy and site merchandising. I am constantly challenging the status quo and questioning things that dont make sense to me. I’ve often used my experience as an assistant buyer to inform the questions I ask of my cross functional teams. I was able to sit with the intimates planner to better understand a strategic shift in how we analyze our net sales for TSL and COM. Im gaining exposure speaking in meetings with the company executives and I’m particularly good at speaking their language and understanding what it is they are looking for. Not to be a complete asshole, but I am a huge asset to this company and I 100% deserved this promotion.



I leave you with three random selfies…

Women’s March


Credit to my roommate Bailey for making the sign. I simply held it up to give her arm a break.

Saturday Bailey and I went to the womens march on 5th ave. We started on 42nd street and went up to 54th. The city blocked off trump tower so we couldnt get close but we were all yelling and chanting and waving our signs. I know they were anticipating 75,000 people to attend the march but i dont know what the actual numbers were. I was slightly concerned i wouldnt be able to participate since i get bad anxiety in crowds, however everyone was so sweet and polite and mumbling “excuse me” everytime they even bumped you. I was very torn on the issue of protesting for some reason i cant articulate, but im glad i went. Felt good to know that we werent going to roll over and lay down to the absurdity of the Trump administration. I still cant believe that this happened. Its absolutely devastating to realize that so much of the country could fall for such a shitty candidate. And of course, the new press secretary Sean Spicer came out for his first ever news conference and claimed that the inauguration crowd was the largest ever. Pretty sure the photos dont lie. Why get so hung up on petty details like that. Youre the president!!! Even though you didnt really win the election (aka he didnt win the popular vote) its not like we are taking away the presidency! So get on with that! Stop fucking around with this stupid bullshit that doesnt even matter!

I saw Chuck Todd on nbc’s Meet the Press interviewing Kellyanne Conway about how the first interaction with the public was accusing the media of reporting falsehoods. Kellyanne of course put a spin on it, claiming that their sources of information were giving “alternative facts”. Thats become the most recent headline. Alternative facts?! I swear to god Kelly Anne must go home at night and turn to her husband and tell him that she knows the truth. She knows we are right… shes a brilliant woman. But shes in too deep and there is no turning back now. I feel sorry for her and Melania. Melania especially. She didnt sign up for this shit. She just wanted to be rich and comfortable and raise her son and live her life. And somehow she got dragged into this mess. Smh. Be careful who you marry.

Im pretty disappointed in Bill Mahers final thoughts ‘Pillbillies’ on his season fifteen premiere. Conservatives are not the only ones affected by the opioid epidemic and there isnt really any link between your political ideology and addiction. Aside from Batman i dont know any addicts that supported Trump. And then on top of that insult, Bill Maher has the audacity to compare opiates to marijuana; suggesting that conservatives get high on something that “grows from the ground.” Ugh im so pissed. Weed is like candy compared to opiates! I get that this is just Bill Mahers exaggerated comic writing in an attempt to be funny, but he is smarter than that. What a lame performance in such a tumultous political environment filled with fake news, misinformation and “alternative facts”.