I have no idea why on earth I am updating on here. Something strange just possessed me to delete my customized theme in favor of something that can be read on mobile since obvi everyone is on mobile these days. Time to get out of 2008 miya….

Ive almost reached 4 years sober. Its strange how mundane everything has become. I’m finally feeling motivated to dig myself out of the ridiculous amount of debt ive incurred over the years. I’m finally feeling like my cocktail of medications is stable enough where I am productive, but not hypomanic. My anxiety is tempered. My depression has nudged into remission. At least enough for me to actually feel satisfied doing things.

Ive reached a level of success at work that feels steadying. Rhda is on maternity leave and I am essentially leading photo planning in her absence. My bizarre relationship with Cle continues to be keep an aura of uncomfortable familiarity. In his late fifties, he has finally evolved out of bachelorhood to form a relationship with an nyu professor from Japan. Shes japanese and shes pretty and shes a mother. Not sure that the relationship has had the positive effects I would have expected but hey, i’m no one to judge on love. Work is a welcome respite from a life free of drama. I indulge in the office politics and gossip. Its about all the turmoil I want in life. Our office is moving to LIC in January. The new building is supposed to be incredible. They did a mock up of what our desks will look like and I was pleasantly surprised. I was certain we were going to be sitting elbow to elbow, almost making eye contact with the people across from us. Apparently we are getting dividers with the perfect amount of storage. The director’s desks will have a secondary chair available! Thats a huge upgrade for me, as I am prone to sitting cross legged on the floor behind Rhda’s desk to discuss our many ongoing projects.

The biggest thing I am working on is our warehouse photo studio. I spent most of 2018 collaborating with the mtech team on building a systemic enhancement that would allow us to scale the operation. It cost $3m and launched in march 2019. Unfortunately it is deeply flawed and I kept help but feel some responsibility for my naivety in this entire process. Thus, my time is primarily dedicated to troubleshooting the issues, escalating upwards and squabbling with teams for the small pool of money allotted towards fixing things. Its like we have $20 to rebuild the entire lemonade stand. Why is lemonade even a word?

Im still enjoying what I do and it’s given me confidence in my abilities. Ive had some exposure to higher levels of management that has been incredibly rewarding. I just try not to think about how many of them are republicans.

This was the year of weddings. Ive gone to four in a year. Two in seattle, one in brooklyn and one in san francisco. Not one eligible bachelor revealed themselves to me. To get straight to the point: I have dated no one. I have pursued nothing. I have entertained no fantasies. I have felt no desire for someone (in real life lol). I maintain. I self preserve. I evaporate. Seriously though, its been fine. If i think too much about it now, I feel weird. I dont feel sad which I suppose is a good thing, but I certainly dont feel great about it. If anything I feel validated. I knew this would be who I am. At the height of my emotions and infatuations, I knew that nothing romantically could ever top that level of euphoria. Its not that I see dating as pointless, but I do not actively/desperately seek it out. And as a result, nothing materializes. I think my mother is quite disappointed about it. I think she worries about me. She worries about my future. In early recovery, I couldnt see further then a few days from the present. It was impossible to imaging anything farther ahead. Now, when I squint, I see a fuzzy outline of something in the distance. I still have no clarity of what it will look like. I realize that at some point, I will be the only one in my social group alone. There might be some divorces by the time it starts to seem awkward that miya hasnt found purchase in a relationship. And then I can lend a sympathetic ear. I wont be smug or cruel. What would entitle me to that kind of behavior?

Like I said before. I feel validated by my singledom. I said I wouldnt love again and I havent! Yall didnt believe me! Yall thought I was being dramatic! Im not trying to congratulate myself on my lack of relationship skills. I am secretly ashamed of it, as I do view it as a character defect. I never say that to my friends, and I just avoid the topic with my therapist Susan. Its simpler that way. I would like a cat though. They are so cute.

Spring & Summer 2018

Whew. Its been a minute.

Honestly I’ve dissolved fully into the world of adulting. I’m attached to some really big projects at work right now and somehow have become my boss’s emotional support pet. (ah yes, how the tables have turned…) When I come home all I want to do is watch TV and chat nonsensically to Bailey and Lav. It’s not really the most productive use of my time. I still have a lot of problems sleeping so I’m almost in a permanent state of exhaustion. I do feel like I’m slowly getting back to the place I was pre addiction. Maybe I’m having amnesia but I remember being thinner, more motivated and discliplined. I went to the gym 3x a week. I read novels and wrote on this very blog. I diligently recorded my activities in my bullet journal. I dressed cute. I did my make up every day.

I was also miserable and rapidly approaching a bipolar meltdown but thats not really the point.

Anyways I would like to write some extensive photo updates (not in any sequential order) but it will be hidden under the cut. Get ready…. Continue reading “Spring & Summer 2018”

Fuck its

Honestly giving up would be so much easier.

I realized I cant afford a plane ticket to Seattle in May for Marissa’s wedding so I’m not sure why I rsvp’d. And then Riley told me she was picked to be in the wedding party. And obviously I wasnt. I am genuinely surprised as the two of them have always had this weird competitive thing since highschool. I most certainly dont want to be a bridesmaid but I am hurt and jealous that I wasnt even considered. I mean, why did Marissa drag my ass to the psych ward two years ago? Like what was the point of that? I’m just saying, that those who arent sick force others to keep living for their own selfish reasons.

Lav just peed on my bed again….. WHILE I WAS LAYING IN IT. I am so fucking tired. I was in back to back meetings today. Spent 2.5 hours on a conference call with m_a_c_y_s about this $1.5 million enhancement my team is consulting on. It only takes me a few minutes to realize I am the only representative from Bloomies participating on this call. When I get this shit launched in 2019, I am demanding a raise. And I want a free trip to supervise the building of the photo studio in Tulsa or wherever they end up building it. That is assuming I make it to 2019. Fuck it right? It was never promised to me. I never started counting on it.

I resuscitated up my bullet journal again. Attempting to track my mood. Its more difficult then you think it would be. Especially if you suffer from a mood disorder. Last time I was bullet journaling, I diligently tracked the thousands and thousands of dollars I spent on pills. Its that time of the year where we go over our annual reviews at work. Rhoda and I are at least in agreement with my behavioral performance. I scored myself 20 (out of 25) and Rhoda gave me a 19. In 2015 I got my lowest score. I gave myself a 15 and rhoda agreed. 2015 was a bad year. I know my mother maintains that I was not a functioning addict, but all things considered, 15 really isnt too shabby. I was eating $250 worth of percs in a day and I still did more than Ruth or Rhoda. Like a 15 is actually pretty solid. So I’m not surprised that now that I am sober, work is the only good thing in my life. I have nothing else, so I am content with a 20 for now. But like I said, next year when I get that enhancement pushed through, you best believe I’ll be scoring at 24.

Jesus who the FUCK even cares.

I am so tired.

Strong Woman Do Bong Soon

I just finished watching the Korean drama Strong Woman Do Bong Soon on netflix. It was by far one of my all time favorite shows. Essentially its a romantic comedy starring a 27 year old girl gifted with super strength. There is obviously a love triangle between her sexy chaebol boss and her childhood crush who is a detective. But what set this apart for me was the fact that there was an actual plot: ie. a scary man kidnapping/murdering women in the neighborhood. Tbh the culprit was kinda hot too. Reminded me of a korean Adam Driver.

I texted Lesley and Alice about how I found a new drama I was obsessed with, and Lesley immediately replied “Bong Soon?!” Bahaaha.

Park Hyung-sik has ruined me as her boss Mr. Ahn. Just when I thought I had been slayed before, now I am really truly slayed. The chemistry between Hyung-sik and Bo-young is crazy cute and just watch these scenes demonstrating Mr. Ahn’s total adoration of Bong Soon. I literally cant. It truly is a fantasy. That shit doesnt exist in real life. I was sending Lesley gifs of Hyung-sik and she laughed and said I was such a fan girl. (I mean…. duh….) I replied, “It’s more about being lonely I think ha” Let’s be honest. My fan girling has always stemmed from loneliness. Sometimes if I catch my self in a rare moment of extreme satisfaction, I’ll think to myself, “Am I happy that I lived to bake these peanut butter cookies and had the opportunity to watch Strong Woman Do Bong Soon?” Most of the time my reaction is fairly neutral. I loved loved loved this show so fucking much. But now that its over I feel empty. If I had accidentally killed myself, I would never have missed this. I wouldnt have to deal with my own disappointing reality. You can hear how sick I still am when I put it into words.

I am doing so well at work. But who the hell cares… All I ever wanted was someone to look at me that way.

I’m already searching for a new drama, but none of them are going to be nearly as good as Bong Soon is.


I’ve been trying to get in contact with Tracii for a year now. She literally dropped off the face of the earth. My imessages werent going through anymore and she wasnt reading any of my facebook messages. I was getting more and more alarmed especially when I saw the below post on her wall. Doesnt really get more fucked up than that.

I even checked New Jersey’s DOC to see if she was currently in prison. Honestly, I was praying she was locked up because then she was at least not on the streets dying. Nothing came up when I searched every version of her name I could think of. I figured maybe the search engine was faulty but I confirmed it was working correctly by searching for my friends brother who is for sure in prison on drug possession charges. I did find some dumb ass site called whogotarrested[dot]org that documented she was arrested in July. That definitely means she violated her parole…

I finally asked Neil if he thought it was weird if I reached out to Tracii’s mom on facebook. He didnt think it was weird so I decided to go for it. I wasnt sure how her mother was going to react. I know Tracii’s relationship with her parents is strained. She was adopted and her father has rage issues and her mom is definitely an alcoholic. So having your 26 year old daughter still living at home and shooting up has got to make things tense. Then throw in the rehab’s, detoxs, stealing, arrests, court dates and dope sickness and Im sure there is a perfect storm there brewing. I wasnt even sure if her mother remembered me visiting a couple of years ago when we first got out of treatment together.

Long story short, her mother confirmed that of course she remembers me and that Tracii is in another rehab and that this had been an extremely tough year for their family. I instantly felt this huge rush of relief. I know what people must think when they see Tracii. Its easy to judge her based on her appearance, but when it came down to it, she was one of the sweetest girls in rehab with me and I dont want to hear about her dying and being cast out like some piece of trash in the projects. Hopefully we can be in touch soon.