I have no idea why on earth I am updating on here. Something strange just possessed me to delete my customized theme in favor of something that can be read on mobile since obvi everyone is on mobile these days. Time to get out of 2008 miya….

Ive almost reached 4 years sober. Its strange how mundane everything has become. I’m finally feeling motivated to dig myself out of the ridiculous amount of debt ive incurred over the years. I’m finally feeling like my cocktail of medications is stable enough where I am productive, but not hypomanic. My anxiety is tempered. My depression has nudged into remission. At least enough for me to actually feel satisfied doing things.

Ive reached a level of success at work that feels steadying. Rhda is on maternity leave and I am essentially leading photo planning in her absence. My bizarre relationship with Cle continues to be keep an aura of uncomfortable familiarity. In his late fifties, he has finally evolved out of bachelorhood to form a relationship with an nyu professor from Japan. Shes japanese and shes pretty and shes a mother. Not sure that the relationship has had the positive effects I would have expected but hey, i’m no one to judge on love. Work is a welcome respite from a life free of drama. I indulge in the office politics and gossip. Its about all the turmoil I want in life. Our office is moving to LIC in January. The new building is supposed to be incredible. They did a mock up of what our desks will look like and I was pleasantly surprised. I was certain we were going to be sitting elbow to elbow, almost making eye contact with the people across from us. Apparently we are getting dividers with the perfect amount of storage. The director’s desks will have a secondary chair available! Thats a huge upgrade for me, as I am prone to sitting cross legged on the floor behind Rhda’s desk to discuss our many ongoing projects.

The biggest thing I am working on is our warehouse photo studio. I spent most of 2018 collaborating with the mtech team on building a systemic enhancement that would allow us to scale the operation. It cost $3m and launched in march 2019. Unfortunately it is deeply flawed and I kept help but feel some responsibility for my naivety in this entire process. Thus, my time is primarily dedicated to troubleshooting the issues, escalating upwards and squabbling with teams for the small pool of money allotted towards fixing things. Its like we have $20 to rebuild the entire lemonade stand. Why is lemonade even a word?

Im still enjoying what I do and it’s given me confidence in my abilities. Ive had some exposure to higher levels of management that has been incredibly rewarding. I just try not to think about how many of them are republicans.

This was the year of weddings. Ive gone to four in a year. Two in seattle, one in brooklyn and one in san francisco. Not one eligible bachelor revealed themselves to me. To get straight to the point: I have dated no one. I have pursued nothing. I have entertained no fantasies. I have felt no desire for someone (in real life lol). I maintain. I self preserve. I evaporate. Seriously though, its been fine. If i think too much about it now, I feel weird. I dont feel sad which I suppose is a good thing, but I certainly dont feel great about it. If anything I feel validated. I knew this would be who I am. At the height of my emotions and infatuations, I knew that nothing romantically could ever top that level of euphoria. Its not that I see dating as pointless, but I do not actively/desperately seek it out. And as a result, nothing materializes. I think my mother is quite disappointed about it. I think she worries about me. She worries about my future. In early recovery, I couldnt see further then a few days from the present. It was impossible to imaging anything farther ahead. Now, when I squint, I see a fuzzy outline of something in the distance. I still have no clarity of what it will look like. I realize that at some point, I will be the only one in my social group alone. There might be some divorces by the time it starts to seem awkward that miya hasnt found purchase in a relationship. And then I can lend a sympathetic ear. I wont be smug or cruel. What would entitle me to that kind of behavior?

Like I said before. I feel validated by my singledom. I said I wouldnt love again and I havent! Yall didnt believe me! Yall thought I was being dramatic! Im not trying to congratulate myself on my lack of relationship skills. I am secretly ashamed of it, as I do view it as a character defect. I never say that to my friends, and I just avoid the topic with my therapist Susan. Its simpler that way. I would like a cat though. They are so cute.

Spring & Summer 2018

Whew. Its been a minute.

Honestly I’ve dissolved fully into the world of adulting. I’m attached to some really big projects at work right now and somehow have become my boss’s emotional support pet. (ah yes, how the tables have turned…) When I come home all I want to do is watch TV and chat nonsensically to Bailey and Lav. It’s not really the most productive use of my time. I still have a lot of problems sleeping so I’m almost in a permanent state of exhaustion. I do feel like I’m slowly getting back to the place I was pre addiction. Maybe I’m having amnesia but I remember being thinner, more motivated and discliplined. I went to the gym 3x a week. I read novels and wrote on this very blog. I diligently recorded my activities in my bullet journal. I dressed cute. I did my make up every day.

I was also miserable and rapidly approaching a bipolar meltdown but thats not really the point.

Anyways I would like to write some extensive photo updates (not in any sequential order) but it will be hidden under the cut. Get ready…. Continue reading “Spring & Summer 2018”

Fuck its

Honestly giving up would be so much easier.

I realized I cant afford a plane ticket to Seattle in May for Marissa’s wedding so I’m not sure why I rsvp’d. And then Riley told me she was picked to be in the wedding party. And obviously I wasnt. I am genuinely surprised as the two of them have always had this weird competitive thing since highschool. I most certainly dont want to be a bridesmaid but I am hurt and jealous that I wasnt even considered. I mean, why did Marissa drag my ass to the psych ward two years ago? Like what was the point of that? I’m just saying, that those who arent sick force others to keep living for their own selfish reasons.

Lav just peed on my bed again….. WHILE I WAS LAYING IN IT. I am so fucking tired. I was in back to back meetings today. Spent 2.5 hours on a conference call with m_a_c_y_s about this $1.5 million enhancement my team is consulting on. It only takes me a few minutes to realize I am the only representative from Bloomies participating on this call. When I get this shit launched in 2019, I am demanding a raise. And I want a free trip to supervise the building of the photo studio in Tulsa or wherever they end up building it. That is assuming I make it to 2019. Fuck it right? It was never promised to me. I never started counting on it.

I resuscitated up my bullet journal again. Attempting to track my mood. Its more difficult then you think it would be. Especially if you suffer from a mood disorder. Last time I was bullet journaling, I diligently tracked the thousands and thousands of dollars I spent on pills. Its that time of the year where we go over our annual reviews at work. Rhoda and I are at least in agreement with my behavioral performance. I scored myself 20 (out of 25) and Rhoda gave me a 19. In 2015 I got my lowest score. I gave myself a 15 and rhoda agreed. 2015 was a bad year. I know my mother maintains that I was not a functioning addict, but all things considered, 15 really isnt too shabby. I was eating $250 worth of percs in a day and I still did more than Ruth or Rhoda. Like a 15 is actually pretty solid. So I’m not surprised that now that I am sober, work is the only good thing in my life. I have nothing else, so I am content with a 20 for now. But like I said, next year when I get that enhancement pushed through, you best believe I’ll be scoring at 24.

Jesus who the FUCK even cares.

I am so tired.

Weddings at work

Omg Cole’s boss is getting married. Shes the SVP of Creative and shes so stunningly beautiful. Shes like this tall willowy woman with the best sense of style. Shes literally the most aspirational person in my office. And she knows my name!!! <3 Ugh Im so obsessed with her and her daughter is getting so big!! She runs around the office sometime. Cole is going to the wedding and I cannot wait for the pictures because knowing her, the wedding is going to be insanely gorgeous. The announcement is featured in the nytimes!! https://nyti.ms/2xW1Ms3

Current Favorites

1. Rockaway and the super flattering high cut leg swimsuits.

2. The new whole foods in Harlem
3. Painting my room a color called Everblooming

4. Fifth Harmony’s new album
5. My official BTS bias: Jungkook, Jimin, and J-Hope The ARMY fandom is so fucking hilarious, I dont even mind that everyone else is 10+ years younger than me bahahah.

6. Playing pacman at Barcade with the photography pyramid
7. Trader Joes belgian chocolate pudding
8. #lavvylife
9. My therapist Susan
10. My strawberry blonde hair
11. Bubbly water
12. Beautiful seventy degree summer days in NYC
13. The fact that I was NOT invited to a wedding this year because I couldn’t afford it anyways
14. Sailor Moon Drops game on my phone
15. Waking up bite free everyday
16. Narek getting a job in Dubai so of course Amy and I want to visit next year!!
17. Zebra mildliners and Muji 0.5mm pens

18. Kelly Purkey
19. Law and Order SVU
20. The fact that I am not a paid copywriter but I still caught this before it went live on site:

My super got arrested for growing marijuana in our basement. Sigh. He was such a fool. Also somehow Bailey got mumps, you know that virus that was supposed to have been eradicated decades ago? The department of health called her and asked for my number, but Im hoping they dont call me. I dont think I caught it from her and now shes in Albania so whatever. Im going to Seattle on the 6th for my ten year high school reunion. I texted all my high school girlfriends (Riley, Marissa, Carlene, Norma, Lucie, Carmen, Amber, Eleanor) and literally no one is going except for Sheida and myself. Hahahah. Sheida has to go because as our class ASB treasurer she had to help plan it. Even though she’s, like, a doctor and has better things to do with her time. Seeing as how I dont even drink anymore, this is probably going to be hella awkward and pointless but I figured I would at least stop by. My previous goal of hooking up with my highschool crush AE was already fulfilled last November so now I really have no expectations of this event. I think AE is going, but hes probably going to bring his girlfriend…. eh.