I have no idea why on earth I am updating on here. Something strange just possessed me to delete my customized theme in favor of something that can be read on mobile since obvi everyone is on mobile these days. Time to get out of 2008 miya….

Ive almost reached 4 years sober. Its strange how mundane everything has become. I’m finally feeling motivated to dig myself out of the ridiculous amount of debt ive incurred over the years. I’m finally feeling like my cocktail of medications is stable enough where I am productive, but not hypomanic. My anxiety is tempered. My depression has nudged into remission. At least enough for me to actually feel satisfied doing things.

Ive reached a level of success at work that feels steadying. Rhda is on maternity leave and I am essentially leading photo planning in her absence. My bizarre relationship with Cle continues to be keep an aura of uncomfortable familiarity. In his late fifties, he has finally evolved out of bachelorhood to form a relationship with an nyu professor from Japan. Shes japanese and shes pretty and shes a mother. Not sure that the relationship has had the positive effects I would have expected but hey, i’m no one to judge on love. Work is a welcome respite from a life free of drama. I indulge in the office politics and gossip. Its about all the turmoil I want in life. Our office is moving to LIC in January. The new building is supposed to be incredible. They did a mock up of what our desks will look like and I was pleasantly surprised. I was certain we were going to be sitting elbow to elbow, almost making eye contact with the people across from us. Apparently we are getting dividers with the perfect amount of storage. The director’s desks will have a secondary chair available! Thats a huge upgrade for me, as I am prone to sitting cross legged on the floor behind Rhda’s desk to discuss our many ongoing projects.

The biggest thing I am working on is our warehouse photo studio. I spent most of 2018 collaborating with the mtech team on building a systemic enhancement that would allow us to scale the operation. It cost $3m and launched in march 2019. Unfortunately it is deeply flawed and I kept help but feel some responsibility for my naivety in this entire process. Thus, my time is primarily dedicated to troubleshooting the issues, escalating upwards and squabbling with teams for the small pool of money allotted towards fixing things. Its like we have $20 to rebuild the entire lemonade stand. Why is lemonade even a word?

Im still enjoying what I do and it’s given me confidence in my abilities. Ive had some exposure to higher levels of management that has been incredibly rewarding. I just try not to think about how many of them are republicans.

This was the year of weddings. Ive gone to four in a year. Two in seattle, one in brooklyn and one in san francisco. Not one eligible bachelor revealed themselves to me. To get straight to the point: I have dated no one. I have pursued nothing. I have entertained no fantasies. I have felt no desire for someone (in real life lol). I maintain. I self preserve. I evaporate. Seriously though, its been fine. If i think too much about it now, I feel weird. I dont feel sad which I suppose is a good thing, but I certainly dont feel great about it. If anything I feel validated. I knew this would be who I am. At the height of my emotions and infatuations, I knew that nothing romantically could ever top that level of euphoria. Its not that I see dating as pointless, but I do not actively/desperately seek it out. And as a result, nothing materializes. I think my mother is quite disappointed about it. I think she worries about me. She worries about my future. In early recovery, I couldnt see further then a few days from the present. It was impossible to imaging anything farther ahead. Now, when I squint, I see a fuzzy outline of something in the distance. I still have no clarity of what it will look like. I realize that at some point, I will be the only one in my social group alone. There might be some divorces by the time it starts to seem awkward that miya hasnt found purchase in a relationship. And then I can lend a sympathetic ear. I wont be smug or cruel. What would entitle me to that kind of behavior?

Like I said before. I feel validated by my singledom. I said I wouldnt love again and I havent! Yall didnt believe me! Yall thought I was being dramatic! Im not trying to congratulate myself on my lack of relationship skills. I am secretly ashamed of it, as I do view it as a character defect. I never say that to my friends, and I just avoid the topic with my therapist Susan. Its simpler that way. I would like a cat though. They are so cute.

Fuck its

Honestly giving up would be so much easier.

I realized I cant afford a plane ticket to Seattle in May for Marissa’s wedding so I’m not sure why I rsvp’d. And then Riley told me she was picked to be in the wedding party. And obviously I wasnt. I am genuinely surprised as the two of them have always had this weird competitive thing since highschool. I most certainly dont want to be a bridesmaid but I am hurt and jealous that I wasnt even considered. I mean, why did Marissa drag my ass to the psych ward two years ago? Like what was the point of that? I’m just saying, that those who arent sick force others to keep living for their own selfish reasons.

Lav just peed on my bed again….. WHILE I WAS LAYING IN IT. I am so fucking tired. I was in back to back meetings today. Spent 2.5 hours on a conference call with m_a_c_y_s about this $1.5 million enhancement my team is consulting on. It only takes me a few minutes to realize I am the only representative from Bloomies participating on this call. When I get this shit launched in 2019, I am demanding a raise. And I want a free trip to supervise the building of the photo studio in Tulsa or wherever they end up building it. That is assuming I make it to 2019. Fuck it right? It was never promised to me. I never started counting on it.

I resuscitated up my bullet journal again. Attempting to track my mood. Its more difficult then you think it would be. Especially if you suffer from a mood disorder. Last time I was bullet journaling, I diligently tracked the thousands and thousands of dollars I spent on pills. Its that time of the year where we go over our annual reviews at work. Rhoda and I are at least in agreement with my behavioral performance. I scored myself 20 (out of 25) and Rhoda gave me a 19. In 2015 I got my lowest score. I gave myself a 15 and rhoda agreed. 2015 was a bad year. I know my mother maintains that I was not a functioning addict, but all things considered, 15 really isnt too shabby. I was eating $250 worth of percs in a day and I still did more than Ruth or Rhoda. Like a 15 is actually pretty solid. So I’m not surprised that now that I am sober, work is the only good thing in my life. I have nothing else, so I am content with a 20 for now. But like I said, next year when I get that enhancement pushed through, you best believe I’ll be scoring at 24.

Jesus who the FUCK even cares.

I am so tired.


I’ve been trying to get in contact with Tracii for a year now. She literally dropped off the face of the earth. My imessages werent going through anymore and she wasnt reading any of my facebook messages. I was getting more and more alarmed especially when I saw the below post on her wall. Doesnt really get more fucked up than that.

I even checked New Jersey’s DOC to see if she was currently in prison. Honestly, I was praying she was locked up because then she was at least not on the streets dying. Nothing came up when I searched every version of her name I could think of. I figured maybe the search engine was faulty but I confirmed it was working correctly by searching for my friends brother who is for sure in prison on drug possession charges. I did find some dumb ass site called whogotarrested[dot]org that documented she was arrested in July. That definitely means she violated her parole…

I finally asked Neil if he thought it was weird if I reached out to Tracii’s mom on facebook. He didnt think it was weird so I decided to go for it. I wasnt sure how her mother was going to react. I know Tracii’s relationship with her parents is strained. She was adopted and her father has rage issues and her mom is definitely an alcoholic. So having your 26 year old daughter still living at home and shooting up has got to make things tense. Then throw in the rehab’s, detoxs, stealing, arrests, court dates and dope sickness and Im sure there is a perfect storm there brewing. I wasnt even sure if her mother remembered me visiting a couple of years ago when we first got out of treatment together.

Long story short, her mother confirmed that of course she remembers me and that Tracii is in another rehab and that this had been an extremely tough year for their family. I instantly felt this huge rush of relief. I know what people must think when they see Tracii. Its easy to judge her based on her appearance, but when it came down to it, she was one of the sweetest girls in rehab with me and I dont want to hear about her dying and being cast out like some piece of trash in the projects. Hopefully we can be in touch soon.


Reunited with my love! Saturday, Carlene had an impromptu christmas party with a few people. Although it was aggressively holiday themed, she actually organized it with the sole purpose of introducing me to David’s best friend IE. Carlene had been blabbing all summer about him. How perfect he was for me. How he was soooooooo my type. In Carlene’s eyes he’s ‘my type’ because he wears vintage Levi’s denim jackets, vans and looks like he is a fan of ‘bands’. I mean…. she isn’t wrong. Ha. The lowdown on IE: he’s 30ish years old, Seattle born but of Russian descent, 6’2″, and graduating this year with a masters degree in engineering. I do love me an educated man….. hmmmm. I wonder if he does actually like bands? Well anyways, I was feeling super nervous about this whole planned meeting because I am rusty as fuck. And it wasnt until I was already in Carlene’s overly festive living room that she informed me that IE doesnt know I am at this party. “Apparently if you tell him that you want to introduce him to someone, he completely freaks out.” Carlene explained to me. Well, thats relatable.

So IE eventually shows up with one of David’s other good friends and I can tell that from the second he saw me, he was scared shitless. *Le sighhhhhhh* Apparently, I am intimidating.


I actually had a pretty good time, although I barely interacted with IE. We purposely avoided each other, preferring to socialize in opposite corners of her apartment – IE keeping David company on the grill outside, while I struggled to build a collapsing gingerbread house. There was a super awkward conversation when IE, David’s other friend, and myself were smoking outside. The two guys kept giving me sidelong looks and breaking eye contact. It was the same basic interrogation that I always get: “Where do you live in NYC? How long have you lived there? Why did you move there? Where do you work? Why do you like New York so much? Would you ever come back to Seattle or do you see yourself living in New York forever?” I find those last two questions to be the most tedious to answer. And weirdly I choked on my usual script so my response came out halting: “New York used to be so fun…. but the fun sort of ran out….. but I still really like it….. for the diversity/energy I guess? And as for living in New York forever? I dont think farther than a few months into the future so I dont know what will happen….?” The two guys kind of just stared at me. Ugh that deafening silence; where even I realized that I was trying to convince myself that I like my life. I guess the honest answer would have been, “I’m too fucked up to know anything for certain anymore.”

I ended up leaving pretty early since my parents had to pick me up (LIKE A GOD DAMN CHILD). They just got a new car, so they really arent into the idea of me driving it around Seattle; having not driven in a year. When I got home, I texted Carlene my observations: that IE was indeed very attractive but that he didnt seem interested in the least. I noted that it was going to take someone much more assertive to coax me out of my romantic hibernation. The last person I felt some sort of attraction to was Batman.
Batman was absurdly aggressive. He was unquestionably an alpha male and that blind arrogance confidence can be such a turn on for me (i know, i hate myself). So Batman’s dedicated pursuit of my affection combined with the fact that I was brutally lonely AND drunk on all the attention I was receiving in rehab, is what led to that giddy, short lived romance. So in regards to IE; even if he had suddenly threw me up against a wall and restrained me by the wrists to make out with me (too much Fan Fic, once again I hate myself), I dont feel as though I have anything left to offer anyone. I used to think I was quite the catch, but now its like mehhh whats the point. Im not even disappointed hahaha. More than anything, I love Carlene for even thinking of me and trying to set me up with someone. She is literally the only person in my life to ever do that. ❤️

I am flattered….. But it feels like its too late. I’m sitting there, shuffling through my six different bottles of medication, and wondering how would I even begin to explain myself? How do you build intimacy when you know that the 10,000 lb word recovery will inevitably come up within the first few times you meet? And assuming he has the maturity and emotional depth to understand the complexity of co occurring mental illnesses, what are the chances he looks past my [significantly reduced] exterior and still wants to interact with that black hollowed out bullshit inside me? I wouldnt call this insecurity. I would call it apathy.

If I cried over heartbreak songs anymore, I would include Jungkook’s cover of If You by Big Bang on his my playlist.

Crystal Snow

君を抱き締めたい 消えてしまう前に もう一度
叶えるため 舞い上がる Crystal
ねぇ言葉足りないけど ありのままでも伝えるから
Can I touch your heart
信じて欲しい 迎えに行くよ
Someday, Someday…

It’s always you, It’s always you, crystal snow
(Let me see your smile,oh baby, eh)
It’s always you, It’s always you, crystal snow
(Let me feel your love,そう どこまでも Fuu)
It’s always you, It’s always you, crystal snow
(Let me feel your love, our crystal snow yeah)
It’s always you, It’s always you, crystal snow
Oh yeah
Crystal snow, oh, ohh
どこまでも Baby crystal snow

Jungkook can fucking serenade me with his Japanese any day. The way he sings those last two words of the song gives me shivers. I love that this is practically a disney princess song but lyrically its beautiful and vocally my babies killed it. It shows their versatility as a group. The fact that they can so effortlessly sing in Japanese is SO SEXY. Korean and Japanese are NOT linguistically similar at all.

Ive started watching this ridiculous J Drama made in collaboration with Netflix called Good Morning Call. Its based on a shōjo manga (which is practically all I read when I was 11-16 years old) and the plot is one of those classsssssic shōjo tropes: Nao Yoshikawa finally gets to move into her own apartment while in high school (wut??) but oh no! Somehow the hottest, most popular boy in school also lives there! *Romantic comedy ensues* Of course nothing about this makes sense. But its still satisfying to watch. And the best part is that I’ve gotten both my roommates hooked. I think the only real ‘female catered’ literary fantasy they’ve encountered is Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey . Now more than ever, I sometimes need this absurd fluff in my life. Obviously there is a secondary love interest character or it wouldn’t be a triangle formation yall! And Daichan (played by Dori Sakurada) is pretty damn attractive.

What is the point of this post? I guess to continue to document how ashamed I am of my life. The stupidest shit brings me joy. Im boring as fuck. All I do is work. I have nothing of interest to talk about. I still experience internal rage whenever anyone asks me what my plans are for the holiday/weekend/futurelife. No lie: I miss the chaos. I miss using. I miss having my heart and brain so overflowing full of emotions that I cant even function. I miss having a purpose even if it was to drive myself out of existence. I miss the romance of being a drug addict. Looking fucked up all the time, random bruises from scratching myself incessantly, the throaty voice from hell that every opiate addict acquires, the fearlessness of not giving any fucks about anything, the thrill of meeting my dealers, popping pills in front of everyone on the train with no one realizing this is a flimsy cover for what I truly am: a sad lonely junky girl. In the beginning of my recovery I said that it felt like I was treading water, waiting for my will to live to return. Unsurprisingly that came on so slowly I cant even tell you when it happened.

Prozac Nation

I suppose there is a certain survival instinct in all this. Like the moment you jump off a bridge you realize there was another way out. Today, kpop idol Kim Jonghyun committed suicide at age 27. He was from one of Korea’s most successful boy bands, Shinee. The level of mourning on social media is insane. The kpop fandom is so much bigger than people realize. Jongyun is the second idol from SM entertainment to commit suicide in the last three months. Frankly, Im surprised there havent been more. I think TOP was pretty close with his overdose scandal. I can even begin to fathom the amount of pressure and scrutiny these idols are under. Eating disorders and anxiety/depression are rampant in the industry. There was a story I heard recently about BTS going to Sweden on vacation a year ago and being chased by girls. Jungkook and Jin’s clothes were torn, Taehyung got lost trying to hide in a building, someone was trying to take pictures of RM in his dressing room and when Suga asked them to back off, they made fun of his english. The rest of the Swedish Army had to make a youtube video apologizing on behalf of their country. Totally ludicrous. True armys are respectful and try to give the members space to enjoy their private lives, but its got to be rough when you are legit afraid of your fans. Anyways, I am touched deeply by the messages I am seeing on twitter and tumblr for Jonghyun. His sister called the police to do a wellness check on him, he was found in his apartment and brought to Gangnam hospital where he was later pronounced dead. I read somewhere that it was carbon monoxide poisoning which has got to be on of the worst ways to do it. The posts that really hit me are the ones saying “It’s cold today, dress warmly on your way to heaven. You worked hard.”

I never take selcas anymore. I stopped wearing make up altogether from june until november. It just became too bothersome with the heat and humidity of new york. I was constantly dabbing at my face trying not to smudge everything. Now when I show up to work with my typical face on everyone looks shocked. “Your make up looks soooo good!” ……No it really doesnt. Its just that I AM wearing make up. Im not quite sure when my laziness superseded my vanity. I think it must have something to do with my recovery but I dont really care enough to over analyze it. Who the fuck am I trying to impress anyways? The only men I interact with is Roberto (who is flaming) and Mike from retouching. He and I can be the same exact person sometimes so there is nothing interesting happening there.

I feel so much more like an old version of myself. Instead of stanning Jared Leto, im stanning BTS. Im no longer in denial of how broke I am. I am have finally found myself a frugal life the past two months. Now I just need to spend minimally for the next five years and Im all set. The main difference between my old self and my present self is the lack of loneliness. I rarely think about the fact that when im not at work im alone 90% of the time. Im fairly certain there is still a gaping God-Sized hole in me but I cant feel it anymore. Only recently has my libido started firing up again and its so uncharacteristic that I pretty much ignore it. I honestly think its been sparked by my adoration of BTS. In retrospect, I always saw myself with a man of color. I obviously am fairly open minded and a product of an interracial relationship so having a diverse life partner seemed natural. And here I am; worshipping the faces and bodies of these kpop idols and im kicking myself for not dating more korean and japanese boys before I had an emotional breakdown. I should have put my petite frame to better use while I still had it! So it goes without saying that I was extra shocked that I fell SO HARD for someone of the aryan race. I never would have guessed that is who would bring me to my knees… Completely blindsided.