The grey mare

Since narek is moving to dubai, the delias girls have made a huge effort to see each other more. Weve done three girls nights so far in the past month. Luckily nareks paperwork keeps getting delayed. Hr asked her for her passport again and then needed her parents turkish birth certificates too! seems super intense just to get a working visa but im assuming they just want to be sure of who is coming into the country. I always psych myself out about being social now. I have some residual trauma from my addiction and social isolation. Im just starting to feel comfortable with the idea that i can go out with my friends and have fun. Ill find myself having all this negative self talk about how im not drinking and how im not fun or interesting. But it always ends up working out and i do legitimately enjoy myself. I havent seen LF in years to be honest. Since she and beth had that huge falling out it was never on my to do list to keep in touch with her. What im just realizing now is what a truly difficult time she was having. She was fired from delias, moved to sf only to work for a homophonic woman who also fired her. Last night i asked narek how her brother was doing. He was incarcerated a year ago for selling my drug of choice (among other things). It can get weird talking about him with narek because i see the situation really differently than narek. She has every right to be angry with him for breaking his parole and asking her to pay half his bail, only to have him picked up at his first court date for fleeing down to AC. Its not easy for people to understand how these young men become caught up in the cycle of institutionalizations. Doing time for three years doesnt mean youve changed. If anything it just perpetuates your ideas about life and how the world works. My heart goes out to her family for having to deal with this.

Talking about drugs so casually with the delias girls makes me feel super awkward. There is a definite lack of understanding of mental health and addiction. They care about me and wish me the best but i dont think they fully get what happened. LF certainly didnt know the details since we werent in touch during that time. We were smoking outside this bar called the grey mare and chatting things over when i told her how i burnt out a run on opiates in a year and had to go to rehab. She didnt judge me in the least and even shared that when we were still at delias she attempted to take her own life. So i know that she gets it. Living in that state of constant despair…. she kept saying “we were just kids, what right did they have to treat us that way.” I never thought of it like that but shes right. There was some very irresponsible behavior from management that contributed to mental deterioration. To put that amount of pressure on a bunch of 22 year old girls is just ridiculous.

I started losing my voice by the end of the night and when i got home i couldnt sleep until 4am. Im definitely coming down with a cold AGAIN. Ive done it to myself through my lack of sleep.


Wow, Its been nearly a year since I decided to stop blogging. Truthfully I cant see myself ever blogging as frequently as I was before. I cant stress about staying totally updated on this thing because I will drive myself crazy. I did derive great pleasure from documenting bits of my life though which is why I would like to re consider rebooting happa-girl. Besides. I am paying for this shiz, so I might as well utilize it!! One thing I would like to make a priority is professionalizing my presence on the internet. If by some token people wish to google me or find info on me then it should only be appropriate info….this is definitely easier said than done, but it does mean that for the most part my blog will have little to nothing to do with my personal life. I am thinking the focus will remain solely on my interests and hobbies.


I am hoping to get my next tattoo in a week. I still need to pick a place in NYC to get it done. Its very small and simple though so I am not too concerned about who does it.

I will be getting the word ‘fate’ on the inside of my left wrist.

This is absolutely unoriginal as I have seen many a fate tattoo, but I don’t really give a fuck as I have wanted it for a long time now. I have several meanings behind it: This is a friendship, fan tattoo with a strong personal connection. Everyone already knows my favorite band is the Veronicas. I like to think they played a critical part in how I grew up in my adolescent years and I love them so so so so much. Lisa and Jess both got tattoos on their wrists when they were about 18 or 19. Jess (and her ex boyfriend) both got the word ‘Love’ and Lisa got the word ‘Fate’. A couple years ago, my wife, Riley, got Jess’s Love on her wrist. Shortly thereafter, I won a contest to go see the girls live in NYC, and Jess caught site of Riley’s wrist and came over to us afterward’s and said it was really cool. Awwwww <3 Ive been waiting to get Fate for a while now. Those are my girls for life. Personally, I like the concept of fate playing out. I am such a control freak most of the time and its kind of comforting to know that if its meant to be, then it will be. I primarily associate the word fate with love (for aforementioned reasons), but it certainly has been applicable to other agonies. In the end, everything will work itself out for the better.