May 2, 2015 10:24 pm
I’m going to do a very short explanation of what happened at work. Basically there were a series of miscommunications between Rhoda and I. Things escalated from a discussion to an argument. Rhoda was convinced I just didnt want to be on the team and didnt want to do the job. To be fair, there were numerous moments when I expressed that I felt like I wasnt shining that way I could be or that I felt like I was such a better merchandiser. And yes I went to HR to see what other opportunities were available within the company, but I definitely wasnt interested in moving any time soon. Additionally there were certain expectations of the position that I was unaware I wasnt hitting or even trying to hit. I seriously thought Rhoda and I were on the same page in terms of how I was doing: Doing a great job but that I needed to be more vocal with my ideas and show more initiative in projects. I guess I should have had her clarify specifically what I would need to do to show more initiative because Rhoda felt in the past few weeks since my review, that I was mostly going through the motions of the job. A lot of hurtful things were said. I spent several days crying at my desk which is totally humiliating because unlike Delias, no one cries in my office. I was so mad at Cole too. I felt little to no support or advice from him and I really think he could have done more over the past few months to mediate this situation!!!
In Rhoda’s complete frustration with me, she sent me down to HR to discuss my options. I was so upset at this point after all this unexpected negative feedback that there was no way I could say with conviction that I wanted to stay as a project planner. The plan was for me to interview for Ginas former role in the merch room because it is open and still under Cole’s pyramid. Nothing against that position but it is a lot of physical labor, packing and unpacking samples into trunks and calling messengers and such. Of course I could do that, but I feel like I have so much more I could contribute, specifically my business sensibility. I made it clear during my visits to HR that I was interested in other positions in the company eventually but that my comments to Rhoda were my spiritual in nature. When people ask me what I want to do career wise in the future I cant really answer them anymore. I used to saying buying because thats what path I was on at Delias. But now I cant tell if my nostalgia for merchandising/buying is because its what I want to do when I’m older or if its more of a comfort zone thing. Either way, I never wanted to be backed into a corner where I felt like Rhoda hates me and my only realistic option is to leave the team and work in the merch room. That position wasnt even guaranteed either!
I was at a such a low point this week. Throughout the insanity that was Delias, I was still considered a superstar assistant buyer. My work performance was never questioned. I wanted to work at a company like Bloomies because of the career development. I consider myself very young still and I have a lot to learn! I am far from perfect and my weaknesses are definitely clear to me now. My confidence took a huge hit from this whole debacle. Instead of the emotional heart ache I went through from ES, this was my professional pride; a criticism on my intelligence and capability. Somehow I managed to pull through and through the power of FOUR kpinz and 1 vicodin, I finally stopped crying and was able to pull it together to talk to Rhoda one more time. We were actually able to come to a open, trusting communication level and I’m being given a second chance. Now that I know where I have been failing to meet expectations, I am going to obviously strive to meet those goals!!! I still dont know what I want to do with the rest of my professional career and yeah I complained about a lot of aspects of my job, but I want to be in control of my future because of great opportunities and not because of miscommunication!! Maybe I will pursue buying again, maybe I wont. Titles and salaries are less important to me than my desire to learn and be involved in some aspect of retail and the fashion industry (specifically dot com).
I’ve learned a lot from this experience. Mainly about communication and perception. I cant change my personality or the fact that I am an introvert who happens to be depressed and prone to anxiety/crying, but I can definitely do a better job of being pleasant. Again, I feel that my goal for 2015 of being more kind has not even come close to happening…. *sighhhh* babysteps right? I’m sure I’ll get there.
April 29, 2015 9:57 pm
Bought more off my date on Monday…. I think I’m going to lose my job. I spent the entire day crying at my desk. It took 15mg to make me feel nothing but at least I’ve stopped the flow of tears finally. Xoxo
April 23, 2015 11:57 pm
Here are some random thoughts….
- Reactivated Okcupid because clearly Luis is an asshole
- PAID for a Match.com account, so far I am super disappointed with what I am seeing even though everyone tells me that the guys are more serious on this site. The user interface is so blech though.
- Went to “drinks” with Charlie and friends on Houston on Monday since he is visiting from NOLA. I didnt actually drink but had a good catch up with Marissa and Carol Ann
- My bedroom is done being remodeled. Two of the walls had insulation added, but they repainted my whole room white which makes me sad. Will consider repainting the walls if we decide to stay another year *knock on wood* Still fighting with building manager over rent reduction for month of April
- Broke my closet rod because I have too much clothing
- Planning upstate activities with Beth for this summer: Beavers? Shooting guns? Horseback riding? We will see!
- Had an okay day at work today but I’m still popping way too many prescription pills to keep the sadness from resurfacing
- Eating cleaner and starting to feel slightly leaner
- Bought mothers day cards, Birthday present for Shannon, and picked up work clothes since we were having our super discount associate appreciation event. I got a Theory suit! Yknow, because I can dress like a big girl sometimes.
- Voted on the webby awards…
- Feeling super anxious about coming back to NYC after my seattle trip because the tourists will probably still be here…. :(
- Trying to buy more pills this weekend to prepare myself for the above
- Social Media intervention is going on three months now. I am so proud of myself for having come this far. I just gotta keep going, one day at a time. Breathe… You’re okay Miyyyee.
- Going to the on figure studio tomorrow morning to oversee some of our PDP shoots.
- Really enjoying reading a ton, writing snarky bitter blog posts, and my pen pal exchange with Rafael!