So today Lindsay (the denim assistant I got hired at my job) sent a succinct email to her bosses letting them know that due to lack of respect in her everyday relationships she would no longer be coming into work.
lolllllzzzzzzzzzzz. Good thing I got my referral bonus last week when I did!!! Also good for fucking her.
*pushes the button and dances down the aisle while singing another one bites the dussssst*
I just wrote thank you cards to my doctors in Seattle for giving me the excellent care that they did while also accommodating my schedule and the logistical challenges of me living on the other side of the country. After that, I sent out my resume and cover letter for a position I am dying for!! I have an in for this company (someone who was in the honors program with me at FIT) so I really hope this results in an interview.
I think the only thing that makes me feel better are selfies right now…. How fucking pathetic.
Half an OOTD. I wore a shirt and leather jacket… obvi. But my jeans are so cute, and my body is sick right now so I am going to enjoy it while I can. All by myself.
Must stay busy in order to keep tears at bay…. I allowed myself my pity post for the day. Now I have to keep going, because….well I must.
Its easy for me to make a post like last night when I’m feeling normal, slightly optimistic even. Im a naturally confident person, but due to everything thats been going on, its hard to sustain my normal buoyancy consistently. My lows hit me in a matter of seconds.
Its sad because work has actually been a welcome distraction. I was dreading coming home today…. too much time to think…. Since I woke up at 7am until I got home, I was on the verge of tears all day. There is no privacy in New York City for crying. Im wondering if I should ask about going on those anti depressants for real when I see my psychiatrist next. Today was much harder than yesterday. It feels like the tiny bit of progress I made in January has disappeared . I am so upset about how things turned out I cant think about anything else. I just run through everything in my mind and torture myself. I beat myself up for every god damn mistake I made. I should never have tried to contact him. Why was I so stupid?
I really wish this existed in real life….
Dated July 30, 2013 : Anxiety
Dated: October 9, 2013 : I was so upset by the end of that day….
The above quote has been eating me alive. I don’t want that to be true. I have been showing all the girls in my office and they nod knowingly and say that they have heard some variation on this from lots of older women in their own lives. I just find it so disheartening. But then again, I just experienced this first hand. My full on obsession, who gave me AFI, just couldn’t want me back. I feel like this is making it extremely hard for me to let go of the situation. Knowing that everything you could want doesn’t want you back. And so what do I have to look forward to? I’m not sure but I am praying that stupid quote isn’t true for me. I want a partner. I want an equal. I want someone who stands up to me and wont take my shit but loves and supports me unconditionally. God this is making me cry just writing this.
My therapist says I had unrealistic expectations regarding the outcome of this relationship. And that I have intimacy issues. And I’m mildly depressed (mild?). I had to sign a document with all of this typed up neatly and concisely. Seeing it all put so black and white makes it totally unavoidable now. Apparently I am totally delusional. I just thought that maybe….. what I felt was real and actually happening. My therapist would be quick to say my feelings were definitely real, but regardless, it doesnt really matter. This is by far the stupidest situation I have gotten myself into.
One day I’ll make someone so happy. And he will actually want to be with me. I make mistakes because I’m not perfect but I’m definitely learning from them. I’ll continue to be vulnerable and put myself out there until I find someone who wants to grow into a better person alongside me. <3 love&fate
Everything happens for a reason. Xo.
If anything could ever feel this real forever. If anything could ever be this good again.
Finally got around to watching Dallas Buyers Club. I was sort of expecting the whole AIDS/fight for you life struggle to make me feel better about my own circumstances. Obviously Jared Leto’s performance is incredible. Definitely deserved the oscar for that one. I knew I was going to cry (since basically everything sets me off into tears right now), but I am surprised that instead of feeling reinvigorated by one mans determination to not let AIDS defeat him, I was kind of left feeling even more sad about everything. Having your timeline cut short and your future plans totally obliterated, certainly makes you reassess your relationships and priorities. What will be your legacy? What impact will you leave?
Yesterday I had coffee with Alice. And obviously shit got real. But I’m glad she didn’t laugh at what I had to say regarding love and loss and baring my soul only to have it rejected again. In fact she put it quite eloquently, “Its true though! You don’t know what could happen tomorrow to any of us! And life is too short to hold back anything and live with resentment or regret!” And then she promptly delved into the complexity of her brother and fathers relationship. Its nice to see how she can sympathize with my bizarre situation directly, indirectly and in every which way. It felt really good to catch up with her and then I got to see her new apartment which is lovely and filled with sunshine from this welcome warm weekend. I totally want her couch as I am still fixated on replacing the futon.
I felt so much better after making my video message. It was awful feeling misunderstood. But I think there will be a lot more tears on this road to recovery. Feels like a fresh heartbreak all over again.
edit 10am What has brought me the most peace about last night is that if something were to happen to me tomorrow (knock on wood obvi) I could finally take comfort in knowing that I told him exactly how I feel. And there can be no ambiguity left on my end. 2014, the year of bravery.
edit 8pmStraight down the gutter goes my antidote to a broken girl
I have made the decision to move on from my original tumblr. I have always used tumblr as a random, passing look into my hyper sensitive emotional realm (rage, lust elation and sadness seem to be the main drivers of my posts), but somewhere along the way I realized certain people were reading it whom I wanted to speak to so badly. I started seeing posts that I have been misinterpreting as relating to myself (aries ego). And a sick exchange began. Not a nice game at all, as I have mentioned on here before. I was definitely addicted to the highs I got from this form of communication since it was my only window to his world. And the endorphin rush I would get from seeing something, anything related to him kept me going.
My therapist had me practice several exercises to deter me from this addiction and they were good tests for myself, but those highs kept me going back. I see now, whatever I was posting to work through my feelings, was creating more hurt on his end. Which is why I need to end that blog. I will most likely start another account that he won’t find about where I can continue to express myself through Sunshine of the Spotless mind gifs. Posts from the summer like this were coming from the rawest place of hurt: feeling rejection. Even reading that now, makes my whole stomach turn into knots because that feeling is just so present. He never wanted to be with me I was such a fool.
Now he speaks of differences…. Which I’m having a hard time accepting. The only difference I can see between us is that I know what I want: a partner in life. I will probably never know what he wants… I guess just someone to text from across the world to fill a void? How could that possibly be better then the bond of love, respect and support? All I wanted to hear was that we were in this together, but he left me out in the cold with nothing but my stupid tumblr. It’s just painful because my feelings for him have not diminished in the past six months, but I brought this upon myself with my delusions and misinterpretations.
I have had this blog since I was seventeen and I will never get rid of it. There are layers upon layers of my thoughts locked in here. When I was in Manchester, I would use password posts so only my girlfriends could see the petty drama of b1 b2 and b3. But I also keep a lot of things written in private (like my epic May 18-22nd documentation). I have all of my favorite memories here, especially from study abroad, since that was a hard fought battle too see some of the world. My one year lapse in posting on happa-girl during 2012 says something about that time unto itself. Plus for whatever reason, this blog is only really frequented by Jason (hi Jason!) Sweet and Norma. Their tolerance for sifting through my unedited and untrained writing skills is commended! Tumblr by nature is shallow, but I have tried to delve deeper into the dark corners as best I can with my personal blog. And sometimes the most mundane of details (ie. what I ate/did that day) help me to recall how far I have come when I reread my posts.
Something else the photoshoot producer and I discussed was the concept of protecting yourself from getting hurt. Lauren was using the example of her sister who was in a tumultuous relationship at the time and was constantly trying to avoid getting hurt by threatening to break up with him.
Lauren would tell her: “this idea that you can be in love and not get hurt is not possible. You’re trying to avoid vulnerability but you can’t have it both ways! Anytime you love someone, you give them the power to hurt you. And that’s not exclusive to romantic love. It can be a family member or even a friend.”
Until we talked about this, it hadn’t occurred to me that this is exactly what I was doing. I’ve been shit on in the past by B1 his manipulation of my head and feelings that I refuse to be involved with anyone who won’t openly declare how much they want to be with me and only me. I don’t want to be your girl by default (because you claim no other females want you); I want to be your girl because you want ME. But just because I have felt that way doesn’t mean my counterpart (whoever he may be) will be comfortable in admitting his feelings at that exact moment. Gah the whole thing is absurd.
Knowing this I can see how I wasnot avoiding anything by refusing to speak with ES since he couldn’t say what I need to hear. Either way I’ve gotten extremely hurt. Maybe more so in this current situation because I’ve loved him more then any of the others. The second I started to feel all of this for him, I was doomed to be hurt. But this is life and I am not going to be one of those people that estranges themselves from any intimacy whatsoever. So I need to just get over the fact that sometimes you love people who don’t love you back the way you want and yes they will hurt you.
It’s funny because I showed Amy his email and I thought her response was so different from everyone else’s:
“omg Miya he is such an asshole and you need to move on!”Um…. No he’s not and I know he’s not.
“If he’s thirty and he’s still behaving this way he’s never going to get it together.” I’m pretty sure life is forever complicated and we are always evolving. You don’t suddenly become enlightened based on how many years you’ve existed on this planet.
Amy simply said, “it seems to me that you were both afraid to contact each other because of the rejection. So actually you kind of are on the same page!” I swear to god everyone thinks Amy is such a dumb [ombre] blonde but she is actually sort of a genius. And now that I have taken some Klonopin and stemmed the gasping tears for the day, I am back to feeling ok about my choices. Would I repeat them in the future? I would try not to. But what I did in September was what I thought was the right thing to do. My heart has always been in the correct place and that’s with him.