Monami Frost

May 3, 2015 10:18 am


I’ve seen her modeling work on tumblr of course but never really delved into knowing more about her. Obviously through the power of google analytics I was prompted to view her youtube channel which it seems she started at the beginning of this year. I’m surprised I didnt find her channel earlier since I am constantly trolling the fashion, beauty, LGBT communities on youtube (as well as the Big Cat rescue channel lol). I am absolutely obsessed. She is so beyond lovely. The tattoos are sort of an after thought to how beautiful and light her personality is. And she’s only 21 years old?? I feel as though she has that innocence of youth still before you are marred by something emotionally traumatic. But what the fuck do I really know? Skip to the 15:00 mark because something happens that makes my entire soul hurt in a way I never even thought was possible. I swear to god, there are devices in this universe that are stronger than reason pulling us towards something.

Photo update: busy, drama filled April

May 2, 2015 11:36 pm


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Rosegold ear cuff from Catbird. Not the greatest picture but I think this is the beginning of an obsession.


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Showed up to my first date with Jonathen in tears. He cheered me up with shake shack and a beautiful sky at battery park city. He is 32, Taiwanese, from Southern California and works as a regional manager for a sustainable, fancy coffee company. He seems like a romantic which I like and he also understands the whole Asian American thing. Even though he’s full Taiwanese, he grew up in a very white suburb so it was nice talking to someone who really gets that experience. The funniest thing ever is that he tells me his friend just moved to NYC from Seattle and Jonathen was helping him set up his okcupid profile to meet people. Just to make sure they werent macking on the same girls, Jonathen went through his messages and saw me bahahahahhaha. After he told me this story and I confirmed that I had indeed message this guy with a mustache, Jonathen couldnt resist taking a picture of me to send to his friend to rub it in his face, since this “friend” claims he gets more attention because he’s better looking than Jonathen. I assured him this is absolutely not true. The last message I sent to the friend was, “Do you have any vicodin?” Ha typical.


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I got a selfie tripod off amazon. mahhahahaha. Get ready! I havent messed with it too much but it has a blue tooth remote control! I still have to figure out how to adjust it to be portrait style. So worth the money.


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Outfit for my date with David. 29 years old, Jewish but not practicing, from Long Island. Super smart and works part time in a restaurant and full time as a comedy writer. He writes sketches for Upright Citizens Brigade but also submits freelances pieces. He’s trying to do more stand up because he sees how competitive the comedy industry is and a lot of writers are scouted from their stand up performances which makes sense. It was refreshing to meet a writer who actually writes….. and for a living too! I was surprised because he was WAY sexier in person. More on him later….


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Construction was finished in my apartment on Tuesday. I’m still in negotiations with our building manager regarding rent reduction for April. This whole thing was beyond inconvenient and I’m honestly so sad that my room isnt painted anymore :( This kechain belonged to the contractor Francisco. We became quite friendly over the weeks. He told Shannon in his broken english that he had problems with anxiety. It certainly doesnt discriminate with race or class or gender now does it?


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Wednesday morning, I had central address so I wore my new suiting from Theory. It really does make me feel like a grown up. I tried to keep it Miya with the slip ons and tee.


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Wednesday is when shit really hit the fan at work. I ended up getting $200 worth of painkillers that day. :/


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By Friday, I was exhausted mentally and emotionally from the turbulence at work. I gave myself a luxury bath night with a lush facemask called Catastrophe which is made out of fresh blueberries. I also got a chance to use the Spacegirl bath bomb which makes your skin soft but also turns the water a really pretty color. I love this whole bath routine and think I’m going to keep trying to fit in my schedule when possible. It feels so good to just unwind and pamper myself alone.


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We celebrated Shannon’s birthday this morning since she was in San Francisco for her actual birthday. Sarah and I went in on this pineapple/coconut cake from a local Harlem bakery and a few travel accessories that I got a great deal on at bloomies. I dont think Shannon had a great time in SF, so it was important that we got this part of her birthday right and I think she was really happy!!


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Outfit today. Obsessed with the resolution true skinny high waisted jeans from GAP. Must get them in another color!! Dont bother looking at their website though because their PDP’s look terrible. Choker bralette from Urban Outfitters.


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David’s apartment in Bushwick. <3 With the L train being down on the weekends it was like the Oregon Fucking Trail getting to him!!! I told him I was putting the oxen at a grueling pace. (inside joke for kids born around 1989) Seriously commuting is one of my biggest issues with BK...


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I saw Chillee messing around with this on instagram so of course I had to try. Surprisingly it was dead on for me but it makes me laugh that the disclaimer at the bottom says they are still working on the accuracy.


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David. :) Finally I post a picture of one of the guys I’m seeing. I’m nervous about posting this because we are very much in the early stages but to hell with it. He’s so cute and I had a wonderful time with him today. Until we started arguing about Lena Dunham. Its my fault for bringing her up. Turns out they are friends because they went to college at Oberlin together. He insisted on pulling up an email convo they had to prove it. Anywho, I tried to downplay the discussion but he seemed to sense my disdain and got super defensive over her. Whatever, some people are touchy about their white privilege and rich parents ha ha. I love an opinionated man but he has to be able to listen to my opinion too!!! Ah well his love of Lena is not a deal breaker. So let’s just see how things go. I love that he’s got bits of grey coming in at his temples and was wearing denim, clean white tee and a black leather J Lindeberg jacket. He’s like total Americana masculine sexy. Its just funny that David is literally just sitting there smoking a joint and scrolling through his itunes but his very energy feels soooooooooo good to me. Ahhhhhh it must be the pheromones!

Failure at Project Planner

May 2, 2015 10:24 pm

I’m going to do a very short explanation of what happened at work. Basically there were a series of miscommunications between Rhoda and I. Things escalated from a discussion to an argument. Rhoda was convinced I just didnt want to be on the team and didnt want to do the job. To be fair, there were numerous moments when I expressed that I felt like I wasnt shining that way I could be or that I felt like I was such a better merchandiser. And yes I went to HR to see what other opportunities were available within the company, but I definitely wasnt interested in moving any time soon. Additionally there were certain expectations of the position that I was unaware I wasnt hitting or even trying to hit. I seriously thought Rhoda and I were on the same page in terms of how I was doing: Doing a great job but that I needed to be more vocal with my ideas and show more initiative in projects. I guess I should have had her clarify specifically what I would need to do to show more initiative because Rhoda felt in the past few weeks since my review, that I was mostly going through the motions of the job. A lot of hurtful things were said. I spent several days crying at my desk which is totally humiliating because unlike Delias, no one cries in my office. I was so mad at Cole too. I felt little to no support or advice from him and I really think he could have done more over the past few months to mediate this situation!!!

In Rhoda’s complete frustration with me, she sent me down to HR to discuss my options. I was so upset at this point after all this unexpected negative feedback that there was no way I could say with conviction that I wanted to stay as a project planner. The plan was for me to interview for Ginas former role in the merch room because it is open and still under Cole’s pyramid. Nothing against that position but it is a lot of physical labor, packing and unpacking samples into trunks and calling messengers and such. Of course I could do that, but I feel like I have so much more I could contribute, specifically my business sensibility. I made it clear during my visits to HR that I was interested in other positions in the company eventually but that my comments to Rhoda were my spiritual in nature. When people ask me what I want to do career wise in the future I cant really answer them anymore. I used to saying buying because thats what path I was on at Delias. But now I cant tell if my nostalgia for merchandising/buying is because its what I want to do when I’m older or if its more of a comfort zone thing. Either way, I never wanted to be backed into a corner where I felt like Rhoda hates me and my only realistic option is to leave the team and work in the merch room. That position wasnt even guaranteed either!

I was at a such a low point this week. Throughout the insanity that was Delias, I was still considered a superstar assistant buyer. My work performance was never questioned. I wanted to work at a company like Bloomies because of the career development. I consider myself very young still and I have a lot to learn! I am far from perfect and my weaknesses are definitely clear to me now. My confidence took a huge hit from this whole debacle. Instead of the emotional heart ache I went through from ES, this was my professional pride; a criticism on my intelligence and capability. Somehow I managed to pull through and through the power of FOUR kpinz and 1 vicodin, I finally stopped crying and was able to pull it together to talk to Rhoda one more time. We were actually able to come to a open, trusting communication level and I’m being given a second chance. Now that I know where I have been failing to meet expectations, I am going to obviously strive to meet those goals!!! I still dont know what I want to do with the rest of my professional career and yeah I complained about a lot of aspects of my job, but I want to be in control of my future because of great opportunities and not because of miscommunication!! Maybe I will pursue buying again, maybe I wont. Titles and salaries are less important to me than my desire to learn and be involved in some aspect of retail and the fashion industry (specifically dot com).

I’ve learned a lot from this experience. Mainly about communication and perception. I cant change my personality or the fact that I am an introvert who happens to be depressed and prone to anxiety/crying, but I can definitely do a better job of being pleasant. Again, I feel that my goal for 2015 of being more kind has not even come close to happening…. *sighhhh* babysteps right? I’m sure I’ll get there.

Three times My regular dosage

April 29, 2015 9:57 pm

 
Bought more off my date on Monday…. I think I’m going to lose my job. I spent the entire day crying at my desk. It took 15mg to make me feel nothing but at least I’ve stopped the flow of tears finally. Xoxo 

Protected: My mothers dream last night

April 29, 2015 6:47 pm

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Toxic thinking

April 26, 2015 10:27 am


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February 2014

If I could be starving and on painkillers for the rest of my life, I probably would. I bet I could fracture my own jaw with a hammer and enough willpower.

If Your Girl Only Knew

April 25, 2015 10:28 pm


Ignorance is bliss eh?

Work Life

April 25, 2015 6:38 pm

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That awkward moment when the competition’s cover matches your concept exactly. Same girl and everything….

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Getting massive employee discounts at work right now. I bought this leather Marc by Marc Jacobs tote for mummyko as her mothers day gift. :)

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Friday morning, Cole hosted an open house at the studios so that all the buyers could see how the PDP’s get shot and all the different people involved in the photography process. Each set consists of a Photographer, Photo Assistant, Photo tech, Groomer, Assistant groomer, Stylist and Assistant Stylist. We run at least 3 sets a day every day. When we are in extremely high volume times, Cole shoots straight through the weekend. Cadence (which refers to photography shot for emails, banners, and landing pages) are shot in another studio across the hall. I interviewed at the studio to get hired but I havent been back since so it was really nice to see how all the back end work my team plans unfolds into a beautiful well oiled machine. Kevin is a studio coordinator who wants to get more into mens styling so Cole lets him handle the menswear sets. I havent had a lot of interactions with Kevin but hes really nice and once I heard his dog was in the studio I went a little ape shit. The dog is an Alaskan klee kai which is similar to a husky and his name is Kichi. He has pink on his nose so it looks like someone rubbed the black off. ahhhhhh such a sweetheart. All the visiting buyers were oogling the dog and making baby coo noises and then the male model on set took off his shirt to change to the next item and it was like we all just snapped to attention. Twas hilarous.

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vman mw

I’m not really into the male model types. I mean they aren’t hard to look at it, but I really need someone a bit rougher around the edges. But jesus christ. Photo techs and photo assistants are my fucking kryptonite. They are all soooooooo hot!!! This is where they are all hiding in manahattan: shooting PDP’s for bloomies!!! Ughhhhhhhhh I got all pissy because Cole hasnt set me up with any of them. But 1.) Cole is not a pimp and probably likes that I am single so I have to go to the movies with him and 2.) I’m sure they all have girlfriends anyways. SOOOOOOOOOOO FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!! The vibe at the studio is so relaxed and chill. Everyone wears jeans and listens to great music and there is catering and just good vibes all around. Maybe I can somehow convince Cole to find me a position working in the studio…..

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Hahhhhhh. We have a front runner for the week. Meh whatever. Im not even excited though. Match.com was seriously terrible. The user interface is just SO bad. and the only profiles I were finding where like 46 year old men in Farmingdales, NY (????) or like juice heads in NJ. I gave it 24 hours and then contacted customer service and demanded my money back. Hahah. If I am going to keep going through the charade of moving on and dating then I’m doing it for free and on okcupid where at least the guys are in my age range.

Match

April 23, 2015 11:57 pm

Here are some random thoughts….

  • Reactivated Okcupid because clearly Luis is an asshole
  • PAID for a Match.com account, so far I am super disappointed with what I am seeing even though everyone tells me that the guys are more serious on this site. The user interface is so blech though.
  • Went to “drinks” with Charlie and friends on Houston on Monday since he is visiting from NOLA. I didnt actually drink but had a good catch up with Marissa and Carol Ann
  • My bedroom is done being remodeled. Two of the walls had insulation added, but they repainted my whole room white which makes me sad. Will consider repainting the walls if we decide to stay another year *knock on wood* Still fighting with building manager over rent reduction for month of April
  • Broke my closet rod because I have too much clothing
  • Planning upstate activities with Beth for this summer: Beavers? Shooting guns? Horseback riding? We will see!
  • Had an okay day at work today but I’m still popping way too many prescription pills to keep the sadness from resurfacing
  • Eating cleaner and starting to feel slightly leaner
  • Bought mothers day cards, Birthday present for Shannon, and picked up work clothes since we were having our super discount associate appreciation event. I got a Theory suit! Yknow, because I can dress like a big girl sometimes.
  • Voted on the webby awards…
  • Feeling super anxious about coming back to NYC after my seattle trip because the tourists will probably still be here…. :(
  • Trying to buy more pills this weekend to prepare myself for the above
  • Social Media intervention is going on three months now. I am so proud of myself for having come this far. I just gotta keep going, one day at a time. Breathe… You’re okay Miyyyee.
  • Going to the on figure studio tomorrow morning to oversee some of our PDP shoots.
  • Really enjoying reading a ton, writing snarky bitter blog posts, and my pen pal exchange with Rafael!

Postcards

April 20, 2015 11:41 pm


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I purchased a couple of postcards while in Miami. I planned to send one to Rafael in CA (my prisoner pen pal for those who have forgotten) and I think I will send the other one to Bogdan in Bucharest. Or Mandy in the Netherlands…. Or Laura in Paris….. Or Scott in London…. Fuck it, I’ll just send it to Ryder <3 Next time I should buy more. Anyways I wanted to get Rafael the postcard with the ladies wearing bikinis because it would be funny but I know it will be confiscated by security and considered pornography so I stuck to the classic old fashioned looking postcards with glitter. This morning I started questioning whether or not I could even send postcards to him so I started searching through my emails to find the list of approved materials that can be sent to Pelican Bay. I still cant find that damn list because I just have so much shit clogging up my inbox (note to self: must start organizing email better). Unfortunately I made the mistake of typing in 'pen pal' to the search box in hopes that it would locate the right email.

Instead the only emails that materialized were my messages to ES from Last spring when I discovered he was going to be here for 90 days. I never re-read these emails because it was just too painful and I knew they would make me feel terrible and ashamed. The first message was pure rage and hurt. My writing was totally shite and its clear that it was really difficult to articulate myself through all the anxiety and tears. I remember laying in bed sobbing into my pillow in the middle of the night and just wanting to hit him repeatedly on the chest for turning me into this sniveling banshee creature. Miyas sadness. I typed out that stupid email on my iphone, hit send on impulse and didnt sleep for the rest of the night. Walking into Delias the next morning with a blurry eyed, kpinz numbed expression and choking out to my girls that “He was still here.” Becca staring at me in disbelief and simultaneously knowing that if she asked for more details I would most definitely burst into tears on the spot. Reading these emails now takes me right back to that night and it still hurts so much.

I’m supposed to be moving on. I hooked up with three guys in the past three months. Isn’t that what he wanted me to do? “There must be so many other better dudes out there.” I’m looking and I’m really trying and there is no one for me. Even Luis has relieved himself of the burden of my company. After spending several weeks pursuing me and arguing against my protests, and claiming that he is going to continue coming after me because we can learn from each other he has simply disappeared and stopped answering my texts. I wasnt invested in Luis beyond the list of positive qualities I wrote about earlier but its still disappointing. I’ll only ever be just another notch in the bedpost. But who the fuck even cares any more? When I think about how virtuous I used to be I feel silly. None of it matters. Waiting for the right person doesnt make a difference. Waiting for love doesnt change anything. In the end Miya still gets fucked over. Why Bother? I’ll never find him.

Norma, Sweet and Sheida: the password to the below post is on my twitter. Or you can text me if you care enough.

First time ever I saw your face

I still miss him.