Goodreads

September 29, 2014 9:12 pm

I am finally adding a new category to happa-girl.net: BOOKS!!! Also if anyone has an account on Goodreads, then you should add me as your friend!!! Chillee and Carmen have been giving me really great ideas to add to my massive ‘To Read’ list!

I just finished Never Have I Ever: my life (so far) without a date today on the train. This part is from the epilogue and is easily my favorite part of the whole book:

So it happens more often as I get older that I realize I live in a girl bubble of my own making. (Guys pass by on the outside, like ghost shadows, and sometimes I see a really hot one, but I avoid going out there if at all possible.) And I really do love it in here. It’s insular and comfortable and all of the people I love best are inside, and there are days, especially whenever I find new girls that I love and bring them in here with us – non creepily – I’m so happy I can’t imagine feeling like there’s something else I’m, supposed to be looking for. I worry that you wont believe me, but maybe thats only because someones been telling me single girls are trying and failing to be happy and I listened too closely even though I said I wasnt hearing it. (Single Girls: What Will We DO about Them?)

Here I have to fight the urge to get up on a soapbox and yell – I’m imagining me sneering the way Beyonce does, looking killer in sunglasses like Hilarry Clinton – and say that I dont need or even want some MAN because I am a FEMINIST, goddammit, and that traditional romance is a tool of the patriarchy, and its only women who are told (and who tell each other) that everyone deserves a chance, and that it’s not my job to be a welcoming mat for dudes I dont even know, and that the pressure to make guys everything is intentional and is placed on girls so that we have less attention left to pay to everything else, and I want a crown that says Queen Bitch on it, and that I would love it if every girlfriend broke up with her boyfriend and joined the rest of us in an army whose job is to have a massive, girls only, Robyn-soundtracked dance party for peace until, somehow – I havent worked out the details – global warming is reversed and poverty eradicated. Also everyone’s clothes look just perfect.

She goes on to discuss that despite everything though she does indeed want to fall in love eventually. And while her life is not defined by her experiences with men and she has always found an unshakeable confidence in being single, she does hope to find romance. I think that I am different from the author primarily in that seeking love and learning from my experiences has always been an important part of me. I am reminded of that quote in Before Sunrise:

“I always feel this pressure of being a strong and independent icon of womanhood, and without making it look my whole life is revolving around some guy. But loving someone, and being loved means so much to me. We always make fun of it and stuff. But isn’t everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?”

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Anyway’s thats all for tonight. xoxo

Pringles

September 28, 2014 5:01 pm


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Well. You’ve made it this far in todays update. :) How ya’ll doing this weekend? I’ve run out of painkillers and I cant afford to buy any OxyContin from Butter this week. On Tuesday I see my psychiatrist and I’ll have to fess up to the mixing of the opiates and the benzos. Oooops. This week I am going to try to write my post regarding my heroin fixation. Stay tuned for some real miya madness.

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I’ve started Never Have I Ever: My Life (So Far) Without a Date and at first I was seriously questioning my purchase of this book since I am the exact same age as the author and have had a vastly different dating history so how could this possibly help me in my current state of emotional trauma? Well Sarah convinced me to at least give it to 30% on the kindle edition before I decided to quit it completely. She was right because now I am almost done with it and my opinion has changed for the better. The author is fucking hilarious and I find her hopeless crushings to be totally in line with my own obsessive nature and general social anxiety with straight guys. The only real difference between her and I is my own proactive approach to gaining experiences I really wanted to have. Also I didnt go to as many frat parties.

My love/depression-themed iTunes playlist got SUCH a workout that week. On a chart of this “relationship’s” progression, we would have been just barely above the x-axis at this point. (But also, somehow, the line was so much higher up than what it must have looked like with me and everyone else I ever liked.) We had met, and he didn’t visibly detest me, so we weren’t negative. We’d had a bit of a downturn after the previous weekends excitement, but I still felt good. Some of the time. It was a hospital-monitor heart rate. But the next weekend took the chart to new heights. It was exciting but also terribly nerve-wracking. You know like the top of a rollercoaster. Right before you plummet to your death.

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Working hard or hardly working? Cole asked me what I was doing this weekend. I should have told him: dying alone.

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Harlem on a Saturday morning. Love that I found a coffee shop called Rise and Grind. Sent that pic to Carlene :)

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Saturday was my in shelter training! We went over the different codes on each animals paperwork (there are like five million colors and numbers associated to their medical and behavioral condition that I am going to have to memorize) and then we practiced interacting with some of the adoptable cats! That calm black one was named Pringles and he even let me pick him up!
We were all suited up because there had been a couple cases of panleukopenia detected in the shelter so they were being extra careful in making sure that nothing was spread to the healthy lil guys. I should be able to start officially volunteering soon!!

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Unfortunately only one week of hugging babies and kittens was not enough to make Miya feel better. I had the overwhelming urge to get high but seeing as how I only had weed I was forced to occupy my time elsewhere. Some guy I went on a date with in 2011 started facebook messaging me. My permabitchface came out even in that stupid facebook messaging app and I shut him down pretty quickly. I think he understands though. My open wounds are still pretty raw and gross to witness. Ugh. I stewed in my angst: intermittently hating boys, their new girlfriends and myself. Then I played around with my Pulp Fiction palette and took a selfie (self love) and got ready to see Alice for the Met’s game.

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The most important thing at the Mets game? Shake Shack. Alice I missed the first four innings just waiting in line but who really cares anyways. Hahahah. After the game there was a free performance from Austin Mahone who has been marketed as the next Justin Bieber for the past couple of years but doesnt seem to be getting the same success. Whoever his stylist was did a fantastic job that night. As I stared vacantly at this 18 year old heart throb dancing like his life depended on it to the screams of teen girls it occurred to me that things were a lot simpler when I was just obsessed with Shia Labeouf or Jared Leto. *sigh* On the way home Alice told me about a korean drama I think I should watch. Its called Full House. The plot? A girl comes back from vacation to find that her home has been sold to a hot male pop star (played by the very sexy Rain) and since she has no where else to live she is forced to become his slave. We were dying of laughter comparing all these weird korean and japanese story lines from various dramas and shojo mangas that ultimately revolve around the concept of some unsuspecting girl becoming some hot/dominant guys slave. I can be a feminist and still eat that shit up. I got the same caveman urges as the next girl. Thats part of why Fight Club was so hot. I love a man who can take a bloody beating. Wow I’ve gotten off topic….

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Baseball OOTD and wearing crop tops to the gym. Yeah I am going to prance around Manhattan like that running errands because I feel damn good in this skin. Looking this lithe does NOT come easily to Miya. Its taken two jaw surgeries and two years worth of barre class to get my figure to look like this. At some point down the line I am going to try to learn to become more graceful too. My venus is in aries ya’ll.

Came home and frantically cleaned the apartment since it was my turn. Our fridge broke on Monday and due to the Jewish holidays our management company would not come fix it. So over the weekend Sarah and I have had to throw out easily a couple hundred dollars worth of groceries. Pretty fucking infuriating. I barely cook anymore but I still had a shit ton of stuff in the freezer that just went bad. I think the whole fridge is going to have to be replaced.

This weekend was employee appreciation and I would have gotten 57% off anything that was black in store and god knows I was dreaming about a pair of stuart weitzmen 50/50 boots but I am stronger then I look!!! And stronger than I appear on this blog!!! hahahah. And I resisted the urge to shop!! Hurrah!!!! #progress

Now I’m off to soho to see my former photoshoot producer and hoping she can give me some wisdom regarding what happened with Josh. I can at the very least learn something from this unnecessarily violent end to our friendship…. :/ My therapist has some interesting commentary on ES and Josh. She likes to put them at opposite ends of the spectrum. And then she likes to put Jason into his own category by himself. I wont get into all the details of it right now but its good for me to think about moving forward.

STYLE ICON: LARA CROFT

September 27, 2014 3:59 pm

More specifically this post should be entitled, “Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft”. I think people will find this one strange and kind of confusing. Impossibly padded bras to create the illusion of giant tits? Really Miya?? Let me attempt to describe what this one is really about: I have always been a long time admirer of women whose comfort in their own sexuality oozes out of their skin. There is something so appealing about a woman who is strong and at the same time they dont need to wear traditionally feminine bullshit to feel sexy and attractive. Angelina Jolie playing that ridiculously disproportionate video game character reflects this body ownership for me. She looks like a chick who loves every inch of herself and what it can do for her. The costumes were pretty basic but that in itself is kind of the point. Black, grey, white jersey knit tops and dont-fuck-with-me boots. I am not going to lie. I love those gun holsters too. And the artfully messed up french braid.


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To all the boys i’ve loved before

September 26, 2014 9:30 pm

EDIT: lolz

Protected: Literally: still dreaming of him

September 26, 2014 9:22 am

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Whats been going on

September 24, 2014 9:19 pm


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My mood has been super erratic this week. I was so devastated by Josh’s attack on me but now that things have settled down I have a healthier perspective on the situation. I thought my apology was the right thing to do because I knew I was taking my hurt and anger out on him in an unfair way. It’s just too bad that he couldn’t meet me halfway like an adult. But I guess its not my problem anymore as he’s made it clear he will not be in my life. Add him to the pile eh? I’m reminded ONCE AGAIN of these Beyonce lyrics to Upgrade U.

I’m known to walk alone
But I’m alone for a reason
Sending me a drink ain’t appeasing
Believe me
Come harder this wont be easy
Don’t doubt yourself trust me you need me
This ain’t a shoulder with a chip or an ego
But what you think they all mad at me for

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Whatever. I guess she deserves him: water seeks its own level.

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Rag and Bone Jeans will change your life. They just squeeze in all the right places.

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Karaoke with Alice and Sarah! It was nice going in a smaller group. I really tried to branch out form my usual songs. Got a lot of Avril Lavigne out of my system and I think I did a damn good version of Big Girls Dont Cry. Also can we talk about how fucking amazing Alice is at karaoke? Yeah. Its a fact.

Sunday was the African American Day parade which goes right up my street in Harlem. Kind of cool to be able to just step outside and see all these floats/marching bands. Look at those tiny kids with those big ass drums!! I did miss the black cowboys this year which is too bad because they are my favorites.

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I picked up some goodies at Sephora because I am naughty. I had to get the Urban Decay Pulp Fiction palette though since I just watched the movie for the first time this week!! Plus its got all these perfect neutral matte colors that I will definitely use all the time!! The Pulp Fiction lip pencil is red with a hint of fuchsia undertones. Very 90’s perfection. I showed it to the senior retoucher at work and now he is calling me Mrs. Miya Wallace in all his email correspondence to me. :D

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Went to my first seasonal recognition awards where everyone in the company sits in a theater and listens to our CEO recap the highlights of the season. Bloomies is very big about giving out awards which I think is great but it can be very time consuming. It was kind of funny because we all had to dress in B style which is all black. It was like this sea of ‘fashion girls’ in all black. The leather jacket is definitely the new blazer.

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My interpretation of B style :)

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Saw Lily Allen at Terminal Five last night with Steff and Alice!

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During the opening act, Alice turns to me and says, “This is probably racist of me but the lead singer looks just like Lisa Bonet to me from where we were standing.” hahahah. We were on the third floor so it was hard to see the bands faces up close. When the finally announced their band name Lolawolf, I googled them and discovered the lead singer was Zoe Kravitz which made me die of laughter and also explained why she resembled Lisa Bonet. Turns out Alice is not racist but actually very observant.

There’s no one in the world that could replace you

Dreams, Dreams
Of when we had just started things
Dreams of me and you
It seems, It seems
That I can’t shake those memories
I wonder if you feel the same way too

Littlest Things is by far my favorite Lily Allen song of all time. #EVERYGODDAMNLYRIC

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Free people tunic for work today! We had the annual dot com picnic in central park which had disappointing snacks and awkward social time.

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Since we were already in the East Meadow, I skipped Pilates and I walked home through Central Park around 4:30pm. Was able to cook up some vegetarian dinner before my volunteer babysitting shift at Fox House. Tonight was the first craft night of the fall season. The moms and kids painted little wooden treasure boxes!

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There was only one baby for me to watch that night and her name was Aaliyah. She was only four months old but already had the best hair and biggest prettiest eyes. As we all know, I am not the greatest with kids. In an effort to continue my year of #bravery I am going to start volunteering again at Fox House. I think it will really help me with my comfort level around babies and kids. Aaliyah actually loved me. I was able to snuggle with her for a good amount of time humming “Aaliyah and Miya” to her all the while before another volunteer came over. As soon as I passed her off she started crying!!! Heheheh. I was reading this article from the new york times about the key to beating poverty is through very early childhood. They talked all about the proof behind the developmental benefits of holding a baby close to keep their stress levels down. It’s kind of mind blowing when you think about how much you can affect a little human being in just those first few pivotal years. AS someone who does NOT consider herself maternal at ALL, I think that I am getting more confident with babies for sure! Working on all kinds of skills over here!! Volunteering at Fox House is undoubtedly why I am partial to Harlem babies though. hahaha. I probably wont volunteer every wednesday night but I’d like to try to go at least once a month.

I’m starting to post more personal stuff on my tumblr again in case anyone’s interested. There are video clips of uptown boys and Lily Allen doing a perfect cover of my beloved Jhene Aiko!

…..

This was a big post because I had a lot going on. If I stay busy, I am better able to keep the loneliness at bay. :/

Alone

September 22, 2014 12:30 pm


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I was going to go to work and try to pretend like everything was fine. But everything is not fine. I have deteriorated very quickly in a matter of weeks. I had to leave before everyone saw the manic crying episode. I have never felt more alone with my illness. My therapist, mother and wifey are all abroad and shannon is back in PA. Shomehow I managed to find a therapist with availability today to talk to me. I”m praying that speaking to them will help me. I am just so stunned by how wrong I was. My attempts at fair judgement in the character of men have been so completely incorrect. I should always follow my instinct and shy away from straight males altogether. They do nothing but hurt me continually. These experiences are the kind of stuff that fucks you up for life…. At this point it would take jesus christ himself to prove to me that men have the ability to care for me as a person and not just as a fucktoy.

Also who has heard of the below? Perhaps I should be worried about this?

Central nervous system depression or CNS depression refers to physiological depression of the central nervous system that can result in decreased rate of breathing, decreased heart rate, and loss of consciousness possibly leading to coma or death. CNS depression is specifically the result of inhibited brain activity. CNS depression is generally caused by the use of depressant drugs such as alcohol, opioids, barbiturates, benzodiazepines, general anesthetics, and anticonvulsants such as valproate semisodium used to treat epilepsy. [2] [3] Drug overdose is often caused by combining two or more depressant drugs, although overdose is certainly possible by consuming a large dose of one depressant drug

JOSH HARVEY

September 21, 2014 5:17 pm


This post is dedicated to Josh Harvey, who turned out to be the worst of them all. Apparently accepting an apology from me interferes with his feelings for his new “girlfriend”?? Strange… as of a week ago he insisted they were not together. I would think picturing me naked and masturbating to pictures of me last sunday would interfere with feelings for the new “girlfriend” more…. but I guess I am ‘selfish and stupid’ so what do I know? ES has officially been beaten out for title of the man who treated Miya with the most unkindness. Although ES is still reigning champion for most crushing heartbreak. Also in case you wanted to see what an anxiety attack can look like.

Man crush everyday

September 20, 2014 5:01 pm

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Please say hello to Cary Fukunaga who was introduced to me by Sarah. She told me everyone on the interwebz was buzzing about this hottie director who was half japanese and half swedish at the emmys this year! Apparently he won for True Detective. Good for him. But more importantly look at this guy!!! *SWOON* and *PHWOAR* Turns out he also directed my favorite adaptation of Jane Eyre with Mia Wasikowska and Michael Fassbender!! And hes just been announced as the director for the remake of that clown horror movie IT. Hahahah. He’s 37 years old. Which must be the perfect age as it means he’s well past his 30 year old man crisis that is clearly a THING even if no one talks about it.

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Hahahaha I love annoying Cole already.

Fall Fridays with Mia and Saturday Mornings with Miya

September 20, 2014 4:52 pm

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Work was shockingly slow on Friday.

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My adorable parents flew to London last night. In celebration of their 30th wedding anniversary my parents scraped together enough money to go to Europe!! Neither one of them has ever been anywhere in Europe so this is a very big deal!! In the weeks leading up to the trip my dad just got more and more excited. He got a new camera and a new filson bag and a couple little chips so he had enough storage to take 6,000 pictures! hahahah! I cant wait to hear all about their adventures!! I am a little sad though because I wont be able to call mummyko when I’m feeling lonely or sad. Ah well I shall survive.

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I spent Friday evening watching Mia Wallace in Pulp Fiction, which I have NEVER SEEN BEFORE. Ha! I know its kind of crazy. I was planning on having a chill night but god damn I cant watch a movie like that without getting high myself. shit. shit. shit….. which leads me to this…..

I’ll probably end up deleting this.

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I called Sarah to see if she wanted to order Harlem Shake with me but she was staying late at the office. Dining for one tonight! I think Sarah and I have managed to get over our fight where I was essentially tricked into going to a linkin park concert. I’m glad because she is a really great roommate.

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Went to Warby Parker in Soho today just to get my glasses adjusted. Once I’ve paid off a few bills I am going to get the Banks sunglasses with my actual prescription in the lenses. My Raybans from 2008 have held up fairly well but I am ready to bite the bullet and get sunnies that actually help me SEE.

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Real bad bitches do it themselves. ;) New shelf! You can take your help elsewhere boys.

Tonight I’m doing karaoke with a few ladies. Im considering this a warm up round for the big office shin dig we have planned on the 2nd!