Today I had my first panic attack related to claustrophobia. I have had issues on the train feeling trapped and nauseous before but I really feel like today was in a different category. Basically my CEO wanted to have a town hall meeting in an attempt to raise the morale of the company. She insisted on having it in the upstairs conference room which is tiny as fuck and the entire company had to smash in. It was like layer upon layer of people. I started to get really hot and then felt like I couldn’t breathe. I sort of just retreated into myself and tried to breathe slowly but the meeting went on and on and on. They were even joking about how we were going to pass out from lack of oxygen in the room and I wanted to scream “Can you just get on with it?!” She prattled on about a list of new people to the company. Just more names to quit later once they realize what a disaster this is. The endless applause after each damn thing felt like an eternity. I was literally shaking at this point. Finally I just had to excuse myself and make my way through all the people and out into the hallway where more people were trying to smash into this ridiculously small room. I pretty much dissolved into tears as soon as I got to my desk. And then of course I had to hide in the bathroom/vendor room until I could let the kpinz kick in and collect myself. Rita saw me which was embarrassing and she asked if I was okay and I just whispered that I couldn’t be in a room like that. So fucking horrible. Everytime; I have a few days of stable emotions. I’ll feel like a normal albeit sad version of myself. And then something happens and I have a breakdown. I really don’t want to go on anti depressants. I know this is stupid but I don’t want to lose my libido. Even though it’s useless to me in my current state the idea of feeling numb like that all the time seems unbearable. And my ability to still get turned on (even if it involves thinking about him :/ ) should be proof that I’m not actually depressed! I have days and days where I feel kind of like myself with just a heavy wash of melancholy but in general I
am not depressed!!! I’m just really fucked in the head and still learning how best to cope.
On Monday I talked to my therapist about how the first five or six years I was in New York I was fine but now certain things are just so difficult for me to deal with. She said that it was most likely cumulative. And almost all of her clients talk about how stressful their commute in the city is. She used to see a girl right before my appointment who also worked in the fashion industry and was so wildly unhappy but she felt like leaving the industry and leaving New York meant she was a failure and giving up. This city is intense. It’s like survival of the fittest. That must be why they say if you can make it here you can make it anywhere.
I literally love fashion merchandising more then ever. And I love New York City so much. It took me a while to find my niche here. There is a lot of pretentious bullshit. But once you can learn to recognize the real from the ridiculous then you can start to claim your identity here. I wouldn’t want to leave NYC anytime soon but I also don’t think leaving means you’re a failure. Growing up in Seattle has kept me grounded and that’s very important to me. I just hope this difficult time in my life passes soon….. Miya doesn’t want to be sad anymore.
Going to yoga again finally. Need to practice those breathing techniques.
I didn’t get either of the positions I was interviewing for. I don’t feel as defeated as I thought I would have…. I remember when I interviewed at my current company I actually interviewed with both becca and Carly. I am pretty sure becca passed on me and went with this girl Kate and Carly chose me. A month in, when Kate lied about her mother being sick and having to quit I’m pretty sure becca regretted her decision since I was already kicking ass in knit tops. And then later when Adrienne quit on becca too I’m sure she would have preferred to go back in time and fought to have me. Basically it’s really difficult to get across your insane work ethic and warrior bitch persona while still being professional. I’m not taking either rejection personally. And the HR woman is totally in love with me and wants to keep me in mind for other positions that might open up in the future. I sent everyone thank you cards and told the hr woman I really appreciated her letting me know where I stand and that the feedback is very helpful. Today she emailed me saying she really admired my positivity. My naive optimism has definitely gotten me into my current troubled emotional state but it’s one of the only things that keeps me going. :/ the light is dim but it’s still there dammit!
Oh I was thinking bout killing myself, don’t you mind
I love you, don’t you mind don’t you mind
My appointment on Monday was kind of odd since I had just seen my therapist on Thursday. My anxiety attack that night cleared the way for a relatively balanced and pleasant weekend so I wasn’t sure what to talk about. We stumbled into the topic of how I withdraw into myself. She feels that my only real depressive symptom is my self imposed social isolation. But she also thinks that’s normal during the mourning process. Connecting with and tolerating other people is actually very difficult. So during this difficult period of sadness it makes sense that I withdraw.
We also talked about my childhood a little bit and how I have always had this tendency to get tired when constantly surrounded by people. I explained that even when I was very young I hated having people over at my house because it would make me anxious. I felt trapped and like I couldn’t escape anywhere and it used to drive me crazy when they would just fling about my shit or my parents shit. Omg I was neurotic even as a little girl! It got to the point where I would go to sleep over parties but I wouldn’t sleep over. The constant stimulation of staying up all night with twenty other girls was just so exhausting to me and I felt so much better when I would leave and go home. My therapist thinks this is very interesting and probably ties back into my fear of being with someone needy.
I guess I just need that cool detached friend who actually wants to be with me and isn’t afraid to say so….. :/ been thinking about that bizarre combination a lot and it seems like I will probably die before I ever find him. That’s just too complicated on top of all my other basic requirements of being kind, intelligent, funny and gainfully employed. What’s even weirder is to think that he would have to want a cute damaged sad thing like myself.
I washed all my sheets tonight so everything is clean and fluffy. I still like to put a pillow behind my back. When I lean against it reminds me of that perfect fit we had and it helps me sleep. He told me once that space had a permanent reservation in my name. Such a good line. I believe too easily.
Yknow if I was actually suffering from depression I wouldn’t be able to get this turned on thinking about him. Miya’s sadness works in strange ways.
This is my astrologers Yelp page. I think I am going to write a review this week because she was amazing. She is a former performance artist/punk/musician/club promoter. She gave me SO much information and made the whole reading really lighthearted and funny with all her perverse quips. The natal birth chart reading and the 6 month transit reading took TWO hours!!! I recorded everything on my phone with the voice memo app and I have listened to it over once so far. Today she emailed me the essentials so I have all my planets and asteroids and houses written down. I came out of the appointment bursting with thoughts and confidence surprisingly. I love anything that helps define my identity better. Not every single thing she said was accurate but most of it was and it gave me some interesting insight to myself and my future.
My mind is blown by how much Libra I have in me. I have always identified as an Aries chick so having her tell me how much my rising sign influences my personality was kind of shocking but it also makes a lot of sense. Libra is the complete opposite of Aries so naturally this explains the Miya enigma of appearing one way but actually being unexpectedly different.
I think I would like to do some additional research and get some alternate points of view on what my chart means just for fun. My favorite is that my Venus is in Aries. I found the below description on Tumblr along with a list of celebrities who also have their Venus in Aries: Rihanna, Marilyn Monroe, Elizabeth Taylor, Mariah Carey, Bar Refaeli, Shakira, Eva Longoria, Rosa Parks, Lady Gaga, Teena Marie, Audrey Hepburn, Sofia Coppola, etc….
I saw this on Tumblr and that was it for me. I had to buy a ticket. I mean he and I share the exact same birthday.
I’m a smart ass. Who is sad and brings it up way too much. No one wants to hear me talk about it anymore.
I like this tee I got for super cheap. Its finally warm enough to wear it.
Oh I was thinking bout killing myself, don’t you mind
I love you, don’t you mind don’t you mind
I’ve just fallen in love with their debut album. I have no problem whatsoever going to their show alone. I’d like to think I would meet someone like in Singles when Kyra Sedgewick meets Campbell Scott at the Alice in Chains show but lets get real. I wont meet anyone in the sea of people. But thats okay because I am there for the music. And I’ve realized I will most likely be alone for the next year just like Josh said. I need to focus on myself and get back to that place where I believe in possibilities again. If someone were to meet me now they wouldnt really be getting to know the real Miya. Sad Miya is not the real Miya.
I dont know where the fuck I have been but I just discovered these boys and of course they have an upcoming show at Terminal 5 on May 8th and I am seriously this close to dropping $125 and going to see them by myself. Hmmmmm best sleep on it.
Necklace I am pushing to build a collection around for September. We will see if we can sell management on it.
Post therapy was not good. I definitely had the most bizarre spasmotic panic attack ever. My teeth wouldnt stop chattering and rattling because my entire body was shaking. It felt like ages and ages before the kpinz actually kicked in.
By the time I had stopped the crying and calmed down I felt loads better.
Spent all day at work helping Ready to Wear and Denim write PO’s since there is no assistants left and I am one of the few girls who know both DIRECT and RETAIL systems and because I have my shit together. Basically, because I was left alone for the whole week to get my stuff done I actually had time to help. Still kind of disconcerting to feel like you are holding several departments together simultaneously by your basic knowledge of how to write a PO and problem solving. :/ $0.55 an hour y’all…..
LF Crop top and jacquard jeans from the sale. Urban outfitters sweater knit from last year.
After work went to drinks at Union Square with Jamie and Narek which was an usual social combo for me. My staten island and jersey girls We had a massive bitch fit about our office and then went to American Eagle to praise their assortment and all three of us drunkenly bought something hahahah. No one can appreciate a good daisy print like the assistant buyers. This is the perfect thing to wear when its ten million degrees out and you want to be naked but have to go to work and actually wear clothes. I’ll be sad when this whole 90′s grunge revival thing is dead in fashion. Ive always loved it so its nice to find cheapies like this dress in mass retailers. I’ve said it before but thrifting in New York is horrible. Its much better in Seattle.
NYX butter gloss
Actually was overdressed but come evening my outfit was perfect for the weather. Have realized my color palette of choice is black, grey, red and oatmeal.
Went to see Divergent with wifey at this theater on the Upper West side with individual lazy boy recliner chairs. Kind of amazing. My review of the film: not very good at all. But the helmut lang/eileen fisher abnegations costumes and dauntless mineral wash burnout tees were super amusing. And Mr Pamook is basically a sex god. Before reading the book I had seen an unfortunate promo shot of the film with Four’s hideous back tattoos which ruined them for me forever. But I really loved the intense fight scene at the end when a brainwashed Four beats the shit out of and almost kills Tris but she manages to wake him up through the power of their LURVEEEEEEE!
Got delicious fancy baked eggs + brussel sprouts.
Scrambled down to the East Village for my astrological reading.
MIND BLOWN. Will have to do a separate post just on that alone later.
Waking up super early for some reason all weekend. Fought with wordpress for a while. Got sucked into morbid columbine fanatic tumblr while researching astrology. Was added to ‘Happy Easter’ group text and wanted to respond, “Happy 15th anniversary of columbine! And hitlers birthday!” Attempted to go for a run in Central Park, but almost immediately heart started hurting and felt super nauseous. Realizing that I am actually still healing…from like….a LOT. So I should probably walk before I sprint. Tried to not throw up in front of the endless streams of European tourists as I retreated back uptown. #sorryeveryone #thisisrealnewyorkcity
Mah nails are pretty.
All I want to do is buy everything from Regal Rose and Shop Dixi. Wanted to see Charlie today instead of doing laundry but alas he seems busy. Might put off laundry anyways and read or something. Surprised at my own resilience this weekend. Thursdays emotional release and the balance of social interactions and isolation seems to be optimal. I smell really nice this evening (nirvana white + soap and glory righteous lotion plus my hair is freshly washed with pureology).
When I was thirteen, I went to this summer art camp at the Seattle Center. I think I studied photography which was really fun because it was the first time I went into a dark room and learned how to develop film. I have pictures of Carlene on a giant trampoline at Kaitlin’s house and pictures of all the ponies at the woodland park zoo because I was working there too. Whatever. Either way Kaitlin and I fell in love with this kid Harris who was a year older than us. I remember sitting on this school bus every morning and afternoon and listening to Nirvana on this shitty nomad mp3 player I got from my sister because no one had ipods yet. I would just play In Bloom over and over and stare super intensely at the back of his head and will him to turn around and look at me. Obviously he never did. He had that perfect adolescent boy charm and the most amazing messy hair ever. And he played guitar in a band at the art camp. Kaitlin and I would just gaze at him longingly at lunch. We really bonded over this mutual crush we had. And thus the beginning of my stalker tendencies emerged. He literally never spoke to us once. Lolz.
I’m pretty sure Katilin discovered that he lived near her and started walking her dog obsessively by his house. I even think she went so far as to leave a love letter on his door. hahahaha. Kaitlin and I fell out of touch when she went to a private high school for really smart kids and I’m pretty sure she’s a lesbian now based on facbeook which actually doesnt really surprise me. I dont even know how but I convinced my sister to take a picture of Harris because he was a freshmen at our highschool that year. My sister was an intimidating junior with insane pink hair and a gaggle of weird anime girlfriends so she probably cornered the poor kid for these photos. Hahahahahahah omg. I just stumbled across these on my laptop and the story behind it is so amusing/creepy.
Part of me feels like I havent really changed at all…. at my core I am just that invisible girl listening to the same song over and over and wanting with a ferocity no one can even come close to matching. I had moments in highschool when A.E. actually turned around and looked at me. But part of why 2013 has me so rattled is because it was the first time I felt like I got my obsession to turn around and look…. but I thought he actually SAW me. Obviously I was wrong, but you have to live and learn. And maybe the next one will see me?