My hands are small I know

April 18, 2014 12:12 pm

In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters

Reliving the sadness for her

April 18, 2014 12:05 am

What is it called when you leave your therapists office and you cannot stop shaking? You know what’s really uncomfortable for someone who’s just had jaw surgery? Chattering teeth from involuntary spasms.

Klonopin? Flexeril? I got Percocet at work today….

Sarah is going to be gone until Sunday so I will have a weekend with the apartment to just me….. Complete isolation to wrap my sadness around.

Comfort Inn Ending

April 17, 2014 11:34 am

Really, we had the perfect end…
That night we shared at the Comfort Inn…
We made love like the world would have ended…
If either of us had admitted..
We were in love…
So I was the only one…

This is why tumblr is amazing. Just discovered Jhene Aiko and her amazeballs heartbreaking song Comfort Inn Ending. She is clearly mixed and with a last name like that I knew she must be part Japanese <3 she is BEAUTIFUL. And her voice is perfection. And this song speaks to me on so many levels even if its telling her very specific story. I will probably be putting this on repeat all day in honor of my sadness.

If this was not love then please tell me what was it
If this was not love then please tell me what was it

As my light grows dim

April 17, 2014 12:53 am



I’ve been treading water for your love,
Whether I sink or swim, it’s you I’m thinking of
I’ve been treading water for your love
As my light grows dim maybe I’m not strong enough, oh

Even this song makes me cry.

Seeking numbness

April 17, 2014 12:53 am

D at work threw out his back today and by EOD he was definitely on something yummy. I straight up held my hand out and said, “Sharesies?”

I had another really successful interview today. I like this team a lot and really hope this opportunity pans out because I need a fucking change so badly I cant even stand it. She asked me what I like to do outside of work. I should have told her I like to come home and cry for a couple of hours in complete solitude. Instead I told her I like doing yoga to alleviate stress and brunch because I am a personality lacking transplant who doesnt want to reveal her true misery. I think I am fairly good at hiding my sadness so hopefully she doesnt sense how unhinged I am. I could do this job with my eyes closed. She told me there might be 10-12 hr days and previous assistants expressed frustration with the level of clerical work. She also mentioned that morale was down because business hadnt been so great. (They are a publically traded company so I know how their business is doing and its its doing way better than mine.) I actually laughed out loud which probably just made me look like an asshole but when you have spent almost three years at my company these sort of reactions are involuntary.

I really cant believe its been almost three years. I was a completely different person when I set foot in that office. Its almost like I was so fucking naive about so many things: the fashion industry, romantic relationships and new york; even though its not like I was experiencing these things for the first time in my life. I feel like this shattered, fucked up, WANNABE druggie version of myself. I think what makes it all worse was when Carlene was lecturing me on how smart and beautiful and successful I am and how someone should be lucky to have me. On some intellectual level I know this could be a somewhat accurate description of myself, but my sadness makes it all seem pointless to me. I’ve never had such a hard time accepting the truth before….

Now on to a picture montage of my time in my current role:

(more…)

Blood moon dreams

April 16, 2014 10:51 am

Last night all I dreamt about was nosferatu and seeing E.S. again

Tech related

April 16, 2014 3:12 am
  • Had to do a manual update on wordpress and it fucked up my theme and all my plug ins
  • Realized how to block my tracker…. interesting. So there is a way around it… Doesn’t really matter anymore. I think knowing who looked only added to my confusion about the situation and led me to false conclusions. Just funny because it’s quite simple really and it’s strange he never figured it out… Or cared enough to figure it out. Whatever…

Libra/Aries Full Moon Lunar Eclipse 2014

April 16, 2014 2:47 am

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A Libra Full Moon is opposite the Aries Sun. Our sense of self-identity (Aries) can only be fully known when we relate to someone else (Libra). With the Moon in Libra, we need to remember to have our own Aries standpoint when we relate to others. We’ve been trained, especially women, to bend over backwards for others. But that’s not how to create harmony and balance (Libra). True balance comes when each person stands on their own side of the scale. Our Libra sensibility is how we create good relationships. Both partners’ needs can be met if we learn how to compromise. And compromise means knowing where you stand.

That’s the awareness we can get from this eclipsed Full Moon. Lunar eclipses give us the awareness to bring a situation to an end. While the Sun’s light is blocked by the Earth’s shadow, our unconscious motivations and desires are more easily felt. Without the constraints of our ‘shoulds and oughts’, perhaps we can find clarity and healing of our relationship wounds now. (We’ve been dealing with the emotional aspects of those wounds with Saturn in Scorpio.) We need to work together, and we need men and women to act together if we want to create real change.

The Cosmic Story: The Libra Lunar Eclipse 2014

I swear to god you cannot make this shit up…..I really wish I could see the blood moon tonight but its raining like crazy outside. I just reblogged this amazingness on my tumblr and its so on point I cant even stand it.

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So excited for my appointment!!! I plan on quizzing the hell out of her!

Cant wait to hate you

April 16, 2014 12:41 am

No need to call my phone
I changed my number today
And matter fact
I think I’m moving away
Sorry, the frustration’s
Got me feeling that way
And I just keep having
One last thing to say

I just wanna hold you
Touch you, Feel you
Be near you, I miss you
Baby baby baby
I’m tired of tryna fake through
But there’s nothing I can do
Boy I can’t wait to hate you

Sunday April 13th: Punk covers

April 15, 2014 1:28 am

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Brunch at Maison Harlem. We were even sitting next to three frenchies ha! And then I took Carlene to the airport and bid her goodbye. Hopefully she comes back to stay for longer! And I will actually take some time off work. And I’ll feel better mentally.

Spent the rest of the evening discovering the genius that is suburban punk bands doing covers:

I’ve listened to this more times then any sane person should in a day. Also I think I might be developing a Vic Fuentes crush? I cant believe he is 31!! DAYUM! There is an example of someone who actually looks like he is 15. Boyfriend needs a stylist….. named Miya. ONCE AGAIN, I cant explain my taste in music. It is what it is <3

Why cant you just fucking see?

Now that I have figured out how to rip mp3′s off tumblr the world is my fucking oyster.

Other things regarding this week:

  • Interview on Wednesday
  • Strength is not checking up on his social media since he decided to stop checking up on mine. #resilience I can and will do this.
  • Credit card is going in the drawer and not getting used!
  • Mummy bought me a natal birth chart and six month transitory reading with an astrologer on the lower east side for my birthday! Must make appointment
  • Becca told me the Sagittarius was at Coachella. I told her Coachella is over and that only douchebags go. That made her feel better. For whatever reason he’s resurfacing in her mind and shes clearly bummed about it again. :( Aries girls do not move on quick at all. I remember feeling the same way a few years ago when my Big decided to message me on facebook and remind me of his fabulous life traversing the world and running into Jared Leto. My mother suggested I make a powerpoint plotting out the timeline of all our communication. I bet I could make a killer presentation totally justifying my confusion. WHY AM I TALKING ABOUT HIM AGAIN?!? :(
  • Boss Lady wants to do Montauk instead of boston this summer
  • Warm weather finally! Expect more selfies and cuter outfits!
  • My tattoo is healing super well and I’m so beyond pleased with it. Worth the wait and now I am thinking I want more color! Josh always said I should get a sleeve….pshhh thats not me though
  • Definitely going to Sakura Matsuri this year
  • Provoking my sister into a twitter argument about whether wearing bindi’s as a fashion statement is racist or not. Lolz.
  • Finally getting my short term disability fully approved so I dont have to use my precious few PTO days on time designated for healing.
  • $0.55/hr pay increase at work. Should be insulted but I am actually pleased as I was expecting nothing due to my company dying a slow death
  • Forgot that Eleanor arrives at the end of the month! Blonde ambition!
  • My tumblr is getting really witty again
  • Holding on till May and it seems to be working. I CAN DO IT. I AM A FUCKING WARRIOR PRINCESS.