Maybe you should look at yourself

May 23, 2015 2:18 pm




Just some inspo for a girl named Miya who is still healing… 2 years after four nights that changed my life. Is it getting easier?

Other updates under the cut.

Nostalgia Breakfast

May 18, 2015 1:54 pm


This morning I went to breakfast with Marissa, Carol Ann and Riley at Le Bonbonniere in the West Village. Marissa deemed it the Nostalgia Breakfast since we went their a few times in college. The only difference was that Charlie wasnt there :( Afterwards we walked across the street and browsed through this little shop called the House of Cards that was unfortunately closing. I asked the sour faced owner how long he had been there and he told me 21 years. He was understandably pissed. You can rage against the ‘new New York’ all you want; you will still get priced out and gentrified… :/ I bought a set of Mucha themed calendar bookmarks for $5 as a show of goodwill. Marissa got wrapping paper with sleds on it.

We sat in a mini park and talked a lot about dogs and marriage. Somehow everything always comes back to marriage. Sighhhhh. We sat there lamenting and whining about the stress of being bullied into a huge wedding you dont want. Nevermind that none of us are actually engaged. But I’m the only single girl: Marissa is back on again with Ariel, Riley has been wifed up with Lyle for years now, and Carol Ann + Michelle are the cutest new couple ever. I cant even find someone, let alone think about eternal commitment. I am still so bummed about Hiromi. My therapist was saying that we were just too high on being attracted to each other and we should have approached our introduction more cautiously. It just makes me mad that he wasnt even willing to consider how insensitive his comments were as an explanation for my emotional reaction. :( Everyone says its for the best and that I dodged a bullet. I had concerns when he first messaged me too. Mainly about his maturity level since hes only a little bit older than me. When I voiced my concerns I was able to communicate them in a reasonable, inoffensive way. I asked him about financial independance, who he lived with, and where he was in his goal to being a firefighter. (If he was telling Steff that he wanted to be a firefighter four years ago than why was he still a bike messenger??) Next time I will put the brakes on and move slower and be more careful regarding emotional maturity. I dont need to prove to anyone that I am a catch, let alone Hiromi Bruni. #foreverdancingalone

Oh I guess I never mentioned that David eventually stopped texting me back. Asshole. Such a self fulfilling prophecy really. I should NOT have slept with him. But Xanax + weed really does weaken ones resolve. Jonathen is still trying to be bffls with me but I am having a hard time believing its possible. And my Hiromi experience has pretty much ruined me for the summer. I’m not interested in putting myself out there again. Its too mentally exhausting for me. I probably just need a few months of crying and getting high by myself.


 I missed out on tickets to see Elle King at Bowery Ballroom. Ugh shows in NYC can be so competitive. I was super productive yesterday so I feel like I’m allowed to have a lazy sunday. I went running in Marcus Garvey park. And then volunteered for three hours at NYACC. I got pulled into clean the bunny room which was fun and different!! The bunnies are SO cute when they stand up on their hind legs! But they arent nearly as cuddly as the cats. Since they are naturally prey animals bunnies dislike being picked up and held. Also there was a really big aggressive one that kind of scared me. I did find a sweet cat though towards the end of my shift who was so gentle and kept rolling on his back so I could rub his belly. <3 Afterwards I came home and had a Rose scented bubble bath and listened to Audible. I am confused by their pricing strategy and not sure if I will subscribe after my 30 day trial ends, but I am enjoying the book I am currently listening to: The Girl On the Train. I am positively drowning in books to read. I keep finding gems at Goodwill for super cheap! I also randomly bought the Sleeping Beauty trilogy by Ann Rice for my kindle. These books were the OG fifty shades of grey so I am stoked to have something that turns me on and doesnt end up making me cry.


Things I need to focus on: my health, addiction, paying down my credit cards, and reading. If I’m busy then I am less prone to being sad.

Things I forgot to post last weekend

May 16, 2015 11:20 am


Mummyko <3


Gina moving in style.


We in the car, we ride slow
We doin’ things that the girls don’t do
The boys stare, we smile back

#harlem #showstoppin

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I am my father. And I like taking pictures of signs.

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A container made specifically for storing my tea bags. Genius.


My dad’s best friend Ford Crull had a show at one of those fancy galleries in Chelsea. Back in the day, my dad helped Ford move to NYC. They drove from LA in some beater car. One of my fave stories ever is when I casually asked my mother if I painted the piece in our family room when I was little and my mother just laughed and laughed and laughed. I mean, it really looked like something a child would have drawn and I sincerely thought it was sweet my parents had framed it and hung it in our house!! In a show of support I went to one of the openings for Ford’s exhibition and was really impressed with his new work. He’s incorporated a lot more color and detail and the overall composition of his work makes a lot more sense to me. But then again, what the fuck do I know? Anyways I didnt think Ford would recognize me but he totes did and went around introducing me as James daughter. All these silly old pretentious artists/poets would nod sagely as if they knew who my dad was. Ford would then clarify that my father shared a studio with him in Elliot Bay in the seventies before he moved here. I must say, NYC suits Ford. He actually enjoys all the ‘chichi’ bullshit. But he looks fantastic. His chambray shirt must have been from one of those obscure Japanese designers that you can only get at Barneys. And he owns his apartment in Tribeca and has a house in Woodstock too.


This was obviously my favorite piece. I can’t function without my Xanax. I asked my dad if he would buy it for me. It was only like $2,000 which is pretty reasonable for fine art!!


I am still so disappointed about Hiromi. I texted him yesterday and asked if he was still judging girls on their mental illness after only one date. We had left things on a peaceful note when we spoke on the phone and after a few days of thinking about things, I really did want a second chance. However he made it clear that he was not interested in pursuing anything further. I dont care if texting him came off as desperate or sad or whatever. When I believe something is really worth it, than I will fight for it. Weirdly this hasnt affected my self esteem. I feel that Hiromi will undoubtedly regret this. Aries girls are not exactly forgettable (hi stalkers!) and he was wrong about me. I could have made him a better person in so many ways. If anything, my difficulties should have proven how strong I am and how much I have actually learned about life. I’m not some lazy beaver laying in a shallow stream waiting for handsome sturdy husband to come build my fucking pond for me!!!! My therapy appointment didnt go that well. It was pretty obvious I was high as hell. I just cant deal with dating right now. I feel too sick. My mother thinks its making me lonelier. It was supposed to signify moving forward, but it really doesnt feel that way.


May 16, 2015 10:27 am

For those of you who have loving caring partners, here is some new sexy time music. As for me? I am #foreverdancingalone

How To Love

May 14, 2015 10:48 pm


I got a selfie tripod


Before everything went to shit. xoxo


Barre class


I received my New York City ID card and I actually feel this marks my transition into the realm of true New Yorker.


We had an awards show at work on Wednesday morning called Best of the Best to highlight executives with outstanding achievements. The inteiror of Cipriani’s is pretty ritzy but this whole production was a bit over the top. I snuck out the back a few hours early.


The normal heart

May 14, 2015 10:14 pm

I wanted to do a quick post on a recent experience I had. Like I’ve hinted at previously my list of sexual partners has increased tremendously. Wow. Good for me. This is so awesome….. Guys want to have sex with me….. I feel so fulfilled…..

I’m not an idiot. I tried to schedule an appointment with my OBGYN but she is out on maternity leave so instead I went to the New York City Department of Health in Central Harlem. Unfortunately I was not able to get tested for everything I wanted to get tested for but since I was there early on a Saturday morning I went ahead and got the ‘insta HIV test’. Apparently due to budget cuts throughout the years, the City no longer tests for all STDS. They will TREAT females only with STDS but they can no longer support a full testing system so they have focused all efforts on HIV testing. My counselor’s name was Bruce and he certainly enlightened me for the better. Upon walking into the clinic, I had to time stamp an application requesting for services. Bruce said that the standard is for me to be moved through the clinic in under 50 minutes. This explained why everyone I encountered was so curt and efficient!!!

I was a tad annoyed with the woman who took my insurance information. She asked me a series of predictable questions and then had me check that the information was correct. I was offended because she had classified me as ‘White/Non Hispanic’ without even asking me! Usually I select the box that says ‘two or more races’. Ah well thats just how it goes I suppose.

The clinic was pretty slow with only a couple other people in the waiting room and the group was NYC diverse. The HIV test itself was a finger prick with results given in less than 30 minutes. Bruce took me into a room and explained that the test was for HIV antibodies present in the blood stream. I tested negative. However, this particular test has a time limit. As of February 9th, there were no HIV antibodies in my blood stream. That is quite the fine print eh? If I had written on my application that I thought I had been exposed with someone with HIV/AIDS then the clinic would have given me a different test that looks for the presence of the actual virus itself.

Bruce went on to explain that Indiana is having a huge outbreak of HIV right now and that they are calling for all public health officials to come help test the population. He pointed out all the political ads I’ve been seeing recently with Governor Cuomo addressing NYC’s efforts to combat HIV. I naively thought that the surge in ads was related to it being AIDS awareness month or something, but its obvious that this is the governors agenda to lay NYC in stark contrast to states like Indiana. The thing is, HIV is still considered an epidemic. At our last central address, an executive spoke of how 20 years ago the AIDS landscape in NYC was very different. People were dying. And the fashion industry was hit hard. A bloomingdales assistant buyer was infected via a blood transfusion in europe. His colleagues went to visit him everyday as he lay in the hospital and wasted away. It is extremely hard for me to imagine experiencing something like that. But just because my generation doesnt see people dying does not mean HIV is no longer an issue. It is still classified as an epidemic and while there are huge advances in medicine there is still no cure.

Cole is doing the AIDS walk on Sunday withe the bloomies crew and I’m thinking of joining him halfway through. I recently watched A Normal Heart on HBO and it was pretty devastating. I’m going to my general practitioner on Monday to get an annual physical and I’m going request the whole gamut of STDs along with the normal blood work. Last time he couldnt get me to bleed but I plan on being super hydrated. Let’s just hope I dont faint.

“The idea that sex is something a woman gives a man, and she loses something when she does that, which again for me is nonsense. I want us to raise girls differently where boys and girls start to see sexuality as something that they own, rather than something that a boy takes from a girl.”

—Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

I feel no shame in writing about these experiences. As I’ve gotten older, my perspective on sex has changed, but I’m still trying to be safe about it. I guess this is what he wanted me to be doing. Having meaningless fucks with guys who dont deserve me. I’ve had a lot of moments that didnt last forever.


May 13, 2015 7:35 am

I have no words. He is wonderful. And omigod. He is hapa too! Japanese/Italian. I have butterflies in my tummy.

When he’s the one, you’ll come undone and your world will stop spinning…. I cannot fuck this up. I am scared shitless.

Edit: and in less than 24 hours it is already over. I’m such a fool. How could I  get my hopes up ever? I cannot stop crying uncontrollably. I thought our date went so well. It’s so humiliating that I thought he actually liked me.  I am soo sad all over again. I don’t understand….. 😰

I’m terrified

May 9, 2015 11:55 pm

Ive met someone. 

I’ve been holding on till May

May 8, 2015 4:05 pm


I literally cannot wait to go home later this month. I will maintain the physical and emotional chasm that is present between ES and myself, by flying home to Seattle and snuggling with Yuko and my family. The safety of unconditional love. It is such a luxury to be able to spend time with them since I live on the opposite side of the country.


Sanctified Tour

May 7, 2015 7:52 am


VIP tickets have been purchased for Wifey and I yesterday during the pre-sale. My girls for life!

Also I never commented on the music video for Cruel. I quite liked the styling and cinematography/lighting, but wasn’t crazy about the concept overall. And like who the fuck is Logan Huffman anyways? I just thought he was some rando male model they cast, but now Lisa is dating him. Oy vey. She always does this. He looks like a combination of her two exes: Dean Geyer and Reeve Carney. And honestly, he’s not good enough for her. She should just marry me instead.