So guess who started texting me yesterday at work….! Dear lord, my immediate reaction was to the find the nearest cliff and throw myself off of it hahahah. Well I couldnt bite my tongue this time and of course a ridiculous converation ensued. I kept trying to tell him off and he kept insisting that we be friends. hello???? are you not listening to me??? I felt that I was very clear with him by saying that I couldnt be friends since I got too attached (due mainly to his manipulation) and that I couldnt handle being friends with him. I also added that I didnt think he probably couldnt handle it either. I know he would just try to cross that line again. Some boys just cant keep their “hands” to themselves. I can see it now. We’re “just friends” and then the flirting commences, his flawless little ego strokes and witty banter and boom we are right back to where we started. and I WILL NOT GO THERE AGAIN! Its not fair to me or his girlfriend. I am not a fucking number two girl!! ahhhhhhhh!!! I cant believe I have to even deal with this crap!!!
I have this frightening little thought that keeps floating around in my head. In my life envisionment (that fantasy that keeps me focused and motivated and planning) I dont get married until my 30′s. I really feel that marriages that are meant to last dont start in a rush, so waiting for marriage seems like a good idea. So when I think about having to go through these crappy situations with guys for the next 10 years, I start to get so completely depressed. I dont think its healthy to go into any relationship thinking that its going to terminate at some point. If you dont feel like you can marry this person and build something real, then why continue laboring towards an inevitable defeat? So then my negative nancy comes out and I start to question the point of putting myself through this ill treatment for yearsssss to come. I’ll tell you why I have to do it: I was meant to love several times in my lifetime and in order to better understand relationships and what I want out of love, I will need to go through many experiences. I dont believe that most people are capable of successful relationships when we are this young and stupid. And I know personally, that I have grown tremendously in the past five years, so I cannot expect to be the type of partner I want to be anytime soon. Thus I must go through this crap and deal with these assholes. hahahaha wow that doesnt really make me feel any better. But when im lovestoned, these thoughts tend to just vaporize in my brain and instead I’ve got that buzz that makes me take risks and make poor decisions. If I completely shelter myself, then I’ll never be a better person.
So its my last weekend at the Clipper. I’ve got three days left and then I’m off to NYC for five days. I will be staying with Riley, I just got the spare keys to her apartment yesterday in the mail. I’m going to try to see everyone I can while simulataneously avoiding B. hahah. That shouldnt be too hard in a new york city, but you would be surprised where people turn up…especially when you dont want to see them. I’m going to be working a Jason Wu event on Sept. 11 for Cannon. Very excited about that!! I like being busy its nice to have something lined up to do. I also need to get some prescriptions figured out, find my passport, and pack for the cooler weather. So many people to see! I hope that my flexible schedule will allow me to get to everyone
I’ve officially been assigned the dorm Oxford Court at MMU. The pictures make it look really nice, but we all know that can be misleading. I think that I am in a two bedroom flat, which means I have my own room, bumt I share a kitchen, lounge, and bathroom with another person. That almost seems to good to be true hahah! I am getting realllllly nervous but also realllllly excited. its going to be fucking crazy and I know I’ll have to put myself out there to meet people and not get hung up on stupid things like my appearance. I have this vision of me getting off a plane and having on no make up and looking terrible and immediately being introduced to several hot guys from Australia and lots of beautiful Indian girls hahahah. Thats completely absurd. I went to see Eat Pray Love with Alison after work. I was surprised by how much I liked it. My favorite part was easily the time she spent in Rome, learning Italian and eating some of the most AMAZING looking food known to mankind. Of course now I really want to go to Italy if anything just to gorge myself and be happy like Julia Roberts. Its going on the list of places, but realistically I know I wont be able to go EVERYWHERE. Back to the movie: I really want to read the book now, but I almost feel like a fraud since I am not a middle aged woman trying to find herself after the traumatizing crisis of a divorce. One thing I couldnt keep out of my head was my mothers voice saying, “none of this would be possible if Liz werent beautiful and rich!” hahahaha. so true. Anyways, I really liked it and got a lot out of it in terms of love and spirituality. Now if only I could meet Javier Bardem in Bali……
4.Elizabeth Bennett
Lets start this list off with a fictional character, shall we?! hahah. Elizabeth Bennett’s notion of feminism may be a bit outdated but I dont think its any less significant. Her character relies firstly on her wit and intelligence and not on her physicality. She isnt a seductress but is still an incredibly appealing choice. Really she is the definition of having your priorities straight. She’s got humor and honor and a keen sense of loyalty. When she learned of Darcy’s meddling in her sister’s happiness she didnt just say, “oh well! he’s still hot and likes me!” she had the decency to tell him off and then later she was mature enough to admit when she was wrong and apologize. If these arent empowering qualities in a woman then I dont know what is!!
3.2NE1
This is definitely a new found obsession for me. The four members of 2NE1 are Park Bom, Sandara, CL, and Minzy. I really dont know much about them personally other than their ages and heights, but I am beyond intrigued. I find their hip hop influenced sound and image to be extremely refreshing especially coming from Korea. It seems to me that there still is this prevailing sense that asian women are submissive shy creatures just waiting to be dominated by men…especially foreign men. Well thats bullshit and I think that female entertainers like 2NE1 are helping to redefine a generation of asian women. 2NE1 is energetic and mouthy and tells it like it is. CL is particularly exciting to me because of her tom boy sexuality. She can dance and rap and hold her own among any male performer. Her english is excellent and she has a very versatile appearance. She might not be conventionally attractive but she owns it and is one of the hottest and baddest females in world entertainment.
2. Angelina Jolie
I read the most amazing article about Angelina Jolie last summer when she was on the cover of Harpers Bazaar. I saved the issue just so I could keep that eloquent explanation. Sometimes I find it difficult to describe why I love Angie so much because she is so bogged down in celebrity bullshit. Everyone feels entitled to judge her for her past actions which havent been the most conventional. Everything from billy bob to babies is up for criticism. But really she is just an amazingly strong female presence. I like that she takes ownership of her sexuality. The article described her initial pursual of Brad as a traditionally masculine approach. She took what she wanted, regardless of people’s perception of the appropriateness of her relationship with Brad. And look how that has turned out, thus far: a crazy/beautiful family and hopefully a strong partnership that was worth a risk. obviously this is just my interpretation of a bizarre situation that has been blown way out of proportion over the years. Back to the point: I like that she had this wild past where she was seeking passion and feeling. I like that acting is just a job for her and that she defines her life by her experiences and her family. And most of all I like that she isnt afraid to play a kick ass female. She has also evolved and changed which I think is normal and healthy for any woman to do. She has gone from slighty dangerous to maternal and classy. A very interesting transformation, especially for a celebrity.
1. The Veronicas
Of course Lisa and Jess are my #1 pick for ‘Girl Power’ females!!! Their music is 100% about girl power!! They write their own songs and play their own insturments and stay true to their bratty misfit image of being a Veronica. They are girly and emotional but retain some attitude all while being charming, charismatic and interesting. I guess what I most admire about them is how true they are to themselves. The consistency is inspirational and I am constantly referring back to their words, thoughts and opinions on growing up. The best part about the V’s is their ability to take a hit pop song and put some heart wrenching passion into it. They write about revenge, longing, insecurity, and mistakes, All very real and very relevent to many girls. When they perform they play off each others confidence and put on a powerful show. I still cannot fathom why they arent as popular or successful in America as some of the current acts today.
I was going to make this a ‘Top Five’ post but I was undecided on a fifth option. hahah. So it seems that what I value in a female is risk taking, integrity, emotional strength and the ability to change. Hmmmmm……
I’m making a sexy playlist…. just because. hahaha. You never really know when you’ll need one….Thus far here is the track list, in no particular order:
1. Mariah Carey…The Beautiful Ones
2. TLC…Red Light Special
3. Alicia Keys…Unthinkable (I’m ready)
4. Robin Thicke…Sex Therapy
5. Usher…Making Love (Into the Night)
6. Danity Kane…Extasy
7. Prince…Cream
8. Aaliyah…Rock The Boat
Its that time of the summer where I start losing it. Everyones pretty much gone at this point. Riley’s in NYC with everyone else. Zarah is in Brazil. Eleanor is in LA. Matt is in Portland. I realize I keep emphaszing that I have friends all over the place but I’m just so proud! I love seeing my friends thrive and push themselves to experience new things!! Hahaha. Basically I’ve been hanging out with Carlene, Nick and my parents. My parents are driving my nuts. Its really awful being independent and living on my own in NYC and then being forced to live with them again. I realize this is almsot over. I’ll be able to escape mostly permanantly on Sept 8th. Basically counting down the days. I love my parents very much but when I live with them, they insist on acting like I dont know how to manage my own life and time. I do very well on my own thank you and the nagging is merely sparking resentment. We do much better apart.
Carlene and I did lunch yesterday and are going to Sally this afternoon for some quality girl time. We’ll blast the new Katy Perry album (which is INCREDIBLE) and sing and analyze the same boy issues we’ve already analyzed before. hahah. My favorite song from Teenage Dream is probably Hummingbird Heartbeat. It all goes back to my increasing fascination with the biological drive behind sex. I also love the song Not Like the Movies. Its just so beautiful and while the message is almost contradictory, it weirdly reassures me that my expectations are not unreasonable. Walked around greenlake with Nick on Tuesday. We talked about the definition of a stoner, motivations, growing up, all my disappointments with b, etc… Nick is so funny because he keeps things so god damn simple. I really hope he finds his calling and gets a better support network going.
I finished One Day by David Nicholls on Thursday night. It was SOOOO good. Just a hilarious and lovely story about Emma and Dexter, two brits who spend an entire night and day together after graduating from college. The book covers 20 years of their relationship with each chapter occurring on the same day (July 15th) of every year. The story follows how their friendship evolves and deteriorates and eventually blossoms while simultaneously describing everything else thats happening to them as they grow up. I spent the last four chapters in tears because it was so touching and it certainly puts things in perspective. Dexter and Emma have always belonged together but it takes FOREVER for them to realize it (for various reasons). Its the idea of your best friend being your soul mate. Obviously I find this very romantic. What I found most shocking was how YOUNG their characters seem in the beginning and yet they are 22 which is still a year older then me right now! Very interesting to consider that I might not have even met my Dexter yet…. My lifelong romance hasnt even started! hahahah. Oh my, I’m getting carried away again. Im definitely recommending it to all my friends because its just that good.
Damn this has been one interesting summer!! To catch up on a few minor things. I am dying for the Katy Perry CD. This really is all Carlene’s fault for getting me hooked on her. Its become that time of year where all my loves disperse across the world. Wife (Riley) has gone back to NYC to dominate and thrive. Eleanor has gone to LA to finish up school and pursue PR. and Zarah leaves for Brazil on Sunday. I miss them all terribly already, and I literally saw Zarah yesterday. I visited her at Walters where she gave me leftover milkshake and showed me this amazing book. hahaha. its basically a dating profiler/compatibility book with mythological creatures; its very similar to horscopes/zodiac. Had so much fun profiling ourselves, her co worker and our ex’s/currents.
I had a bit of trouble pegging down B. I realized that I really didnt know him at all. Sheida kept telling me that it wasnt really a loss since I was only attracted to the IDEA of him, but because he lied about a very crucial detail it pretty much renders everything else meaningless. Rather depressing thought, but with every day I get a little bit more over it. Its just taking longer then expected. I really miss all that attention I was getting and I was most definitely looking forward to some sexing when I got back. I thought I had made a genuine connection with someone.
I met up with Nick this week. Just a friendly little catch up. We got coffee and then got high on my back deck and discussed quite a bit. It was nice to see him and all but I came away from it feeling rather depressed. We have both changed SO much and now that the blind adoration is gone, we really dont have much in common. It was also sad to hear him talk about his life. He doesnt seem happy and he certainly has no goals. Oh wait, there is the plan of moving in with his unemployed father for 4 months and hang out at beach. Brillz. His attitude is really negative and he seems to have his priorities completely confused. I have no idea what has really happened to him in the past two years but I certainly dont care for it. He mentioned that he wasnt ready for college and thats why he left (flunked out?). Apparently he only went to WSU because he was trying to make everyone else happy (me, his parents, etc…). Ummmm…. sorry nick for trying to motivate you? my bad? Yknow I dont mind weed in the least, but only occasionally. There is something sad about someone who smokes allllllll the time and something even sadder about someone who is relying on drug dealing to make money. Oy, so we kept things friendly and light. He told me about all his girls and I told him about B. His advice was to “hook up with him anyways” hahahahah. This is Hysterical because B expressed concern I might get back together with my ex, so to have nick be on his “team” was rather hilarious. Of course I would never do that and that was terrible advice on nicks part but I wasnt really expecting anything profound. It was an enjoyable experience to have moved on, but I really dont see this friendship going anywhere. I think we are in two very different places. I wish the best of luck to him.
About to hear back from MMU about my accomodation assignment!! I also signed up for the airport welcome and got some british pounds to get me started. David lent me The Hustler with Paul Newman.
This image is not the best for summarizing the movie, but it is rather dramatic and I like it. Basically Paul Newman is REALLY attractive and its a pool hustler. David explained everything to me since he basically paid his way through college in Las Vegas by playing pool. The over arching theme seemed to be about being a “winner” and what that really entails in life. oooooooOooOoooo Deep. David told me he was talking about me with Spangler and they both agreed I was the most interesting person at Clipper. I was super flattered and it was a definite confidence boost. Those guys are so great.
My running has been going really well. I go about 3 times a week and I’ve even extended my loop. Its just the best stress release and towards the end, I got this incredible rush. That must be the runners high people are always talking about, but it seriously calms me really well. Running has also helped me maintain my weight and lets me get away with some pumpkin loaf. Dear god Uptown Espresso is good. Its Hempfest this weekend and I am dreadddddding it. Its just a constant stream of stoners headed for Myrtle Edwards. And this is like the scum of Washington. I dont even think most of them are from Seattle. They are all so ugly and smelly and such loud deadbeats. you think you’re the shit because you are lighting up in front of a cop? go fuck yourself and then maybe start contributing to society you selfish assholes. grrrr the girls wear these really slutty ridiculous outfits usually topped with something “edgy” like cat ears or striped socks. basically something my sister would have worn in high school. Ugh. I wish we would just legalize marijuana already so we can tax these fools and get the economy going. I got Phobos tattooed on Monday and now hes in that peely itchy stage. Its taking a great deal of self control not to tear off my jeans and rub the fuck out of it. hahah. that would probably hurt though. So my crows were really expensive but absolutely worth it and I am sooooo in love with them.
Whew, another crazy few weeks. Vegas was incredible! I had so much fun and managed to actually get my party on! That was easily the drunkest I have ever been and I even experienced my first hangover. Carlene and I met these 7 guys from Queens our first day at the pool and we ended up hanging out with them for the two nights we were there. Unsurprisingly we each hooked up with one on Friday night. Hahah it was fun and very wild/vegas-y but I didnt do anything I regretted. I think I am just completely unable to disconnect my body, head and heart. I didnt know the guy and so I couldnt really get to that level of attraction. Just something interesting to note. The whole trip was a confidence boost though. It was so much fun to just relax and do whatever and not know anyone and embrace Vegas for what it is: an adult playground where you come to party. I did recieve some calls from he who shall not be named and we ended up getting in a text fight. I told him I couldnt deal with it right now since I am in Vegas and then on Monday I texted him that I thought it would be best to not talk, especially since he is still with his girlfriend.
The rest of the week was sort of recovery. I hung out with Riley, Eleanor and Carlene on Riley’s last day in Seattle. Of course the topic of cheaters arose since Eleanor is experiencing something similar. The real question is: “If you’re boyfriend were cheating on you, would you want to know?” My answer is: Of course! which is why I cannot shake this girl code guilt that I am letting some girl flail in the darkness of naivety. But after consulting Karin and my mother, I am fairly certain I will not say anything. Karin argues that she is just being blind and in denial and that she will eventually find out on her own. This seemed logical because I find it hard to believe that there were no red flags on her end of the deal. There must be something to cause suspicion and its not like this is the first time he’s done something like this!! My mother pointed out that if I get involved in this, it will simply come back to bite me in the ass. This also makes sense because I can already see my attempts at “doing the right thing” as coming across as “breaking up their relationship and stealing her boyfriend.” Not trying to make people hate me so I guess I’ll just keep quiet, even if it makes me feel sick.
Last night I made the mistake of going out to Belltown with Carlene. It was fun but I was just sooooo tired. We went to Noc Noc and then Frontier Room. Noc Noc is pretty cool. I like its atmosphere and the crowd was a bit more alternative, but it was 80′s night and Carlene and I both found the music to be difficult to dance to. Frontier Room is a much younger crowd and the music is predictable but fun. I ended up dancing with a friend of Carlenes and he got my number at the end of the night. I already feel like I’m leading him on because I am really not interested at all. Urghhhhh. I hate this feeling of owing someone something. I most certainly dont want to get involved with this guy for mainly two reasons: I am not really attracted to him at all and I am about to leave Seattle indefinitely. blahhhh so I am going to do my best to be gracious and nice.
Its been a rollercoaster week for realllllllls. Hahahah. I recently found out someone was just messing with my head for some sick unknown reason. I doubt I will ever get an explanation. I told him I never wanted him to contact me ever again hahah but of course that was in my fury and before I realized I am curious as to why anyone would ever behave this way. Ah well not a big deal. Day 1 I was PISSED, Day 2 I was hurting and Day 3 I was beyond amused. And now its coasting away into memory. Luckily I am in Seattle distracted by all my friends and my family. I have love with me wherever I go and I know that eventually I will find someone who will be worth my time.
Whats so interesting is the perspective changes I have had after meeting a boy who is capable of lying to my face over and over and basically feeding me bullshit for hours and hours. I was suddenly so thankful for Nick. At least I will always know how a decent relationship should function. While we were together he treated me incredibly well and never lied to me or cheated on me. Its just interesting to me that I can now look back with pleasant feelings. I really have moved past the angst and feel like I fully have closure now.
Also I cannot stop listening to Katy Perry…Teenage Dream. So excited for the actual music video!
On thursday I am going to Vegas with Carlene for two nights. It just seems like a right of passage for any 21 year old. I hope she doesnt get arrested hahah. I think we will just relax and a have a good time and try some new things. I do have this scary vision of Carlene inviting some gross guys back to the hotel and then I have to deal with getting them out hahah. Oh well. I will have some good stories for sure. Last friday I went out to Belltown with the girls and had a fab time. Belltown is jammin at 1am on a Friday night. Lots of skeezy guys and skanky girls. I got good and drunk and had soooooo much fun. We took loads of pictures. I ended up leaving around 1am and taking a cab home ($18). I was asleep by 2am and then woke up at 4:30am for work. hahaha. Crazyyyy.
Yesterday was really good in terms of my social life. After work at 3pm I went home and changed super quick into my bathing suit (FINALLY a chance to wear my VS suit!) and then doused myself in sunscreen. Carmen was having the girls over at her dad’s house because he has a pool. I had never been there but had heard about her pool gatherings and her father’s notoriously strong margaritas. Heather, Carmen, Sheida and Eleanor were already a few rounds in by the time I got there. I refrained from drinking because later on that night I was going to David’s tequila party and I wasnt trying to push my limits on a “wednesday” afternoon. We basically layed out in the sun and gossiped. Apparently the girls were sufficiently drunk enough to start hollering at the baseball players who were playing on the Whitman field behind Carmen’s house. It was rather entertaining to hear Heather yelling, “Come over after the game for margaritas…and us! We are drunk! and we arent seventeen!” The nearest player to us kept laughing and was clearly loving the attention. One of his teammates asked if they were virgin margaritas and naturally Heather responded, “There aint nothing virginal over here boys!” bahahah. Absolutely ridiculous but also hilarious. I managed to not get burned whatsoever which is a true accomplishment for me. I love laying out in the sun because its so relaxing but I hate it because I always feel like I am burning and I realllly dont want a tan. I am rather fond of my pale skin that doesnt look all freckled and aged. The other girls were clearly burning and I eventually had to just spray them down for my own sanity hahah.
Funny how certain songs can take on whole new meanings hahah. Honestly this summer has been a good time for me musically. I REALLY want the Neon Trees CD and I have been meaning to pester my dad to see if I can get Prince and Hole from him. The other day I caught him listening to The Fame downstairs while he was doing his art projects hahah. I think I must have inherited his eclectic music tastes. Although I am suffering a bit from Live Music Withdrawl. Wouldnt mind going to see someone in concert soon. All of this costs money though and for some reason I have just been bleeding every paycheck. The past few summers, I do not recall having a difficult time building my savings, but this year its really been a struggle. Given I am leading a bit more extravagant lifestyle. Going out to dinner has suddently become a $20 event on average. Drinks add up too. And then there is my trip to Vegas which is stealing money from the Manchester fund. Hmmm… well ive put my spending on lockdown in terms of random materialistic shit that I dont need. Oh but I love to consume… hahah. SELF CONTROL.
I’ve been continuing my research into Manchester. Last night my mother and I spent a good amount of timing looking at plane tickets, possible accomodation options and we started talking about the end of the year plans. Very stressful and kind of exciting. I really need to go get a book on Manchester though and brush up on some history/touristy knowledge so that I dont get run out of town with my complete ignorance. And yes I am pretty much completely ignorant at this point.
Got to see my cousin recently. We went out for drinks in Ballard and he taught me how to appreciate the differences in beer. We ordered way too much food and watched the Sounders game at a place called the Loft. It was really chill and nice to catch up with him on things. He’s got a good head on his shoulders and I always appreciate his male perspective on the college dating scene. He’s got girls on his radar that he really respects and likes and he doesnt hook up with them. I find this to be very interesting and am constantly bringing it up with Carlene during our numerous boy talks.
In terms of my boy talks, I have no idea what to think anymore. Everything seems to be a bit muddled and I’m having trouble grasping the reality of the situation. Its nice to have someone to talk to and flirt with and make me excited, but I still have quite a few doubts. I am confident in his affection, but I am confused as to what he wants. I’m happy to continue what we are doing but as a planning freak I cant help but think about the future and wonder where this is all leading to. Yes I will be back spring semester and he is excited about that, but that wont be until January of 2011. That is a long ways off and I know a lot can happen in that time. I cant help but worry that this infatuation will fade on his end. I wish I could let my own feelings simmer down, but its not really in my nature to squash my passions. Hence why I always have so many on going obsessions and multiple outlets for expressing my devotions hahah. I guess I should stop being such a god damn cynic. When I talked to my mother about this she said, “yknow miya, this doesnt have to end badly at all. why dont you just enjoy it?” Wise words indeed. So I guess I should concentrate on the process and not the end result. Its true as well, that this could end totally fine. If anything I could retain an amazing friendship out of this… I just need to CHILL THE FUCK OUT. Although lets be hoenst, I dont think I am one of those girls who can be friends with ex’s. I just get so attatched! Little Miss Obsessive.
I guess the goal is the same: I need to keep pushing myself to meet new options and get over these fucking hang ups.
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