Worthiness

July 25, 2014 2:23 pm

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The above is from my photoshoot producer. <3 I was (unsurprisingly) emotional on the train ride home today, but more importantly the outpouring of love and excitement from my former co workers on my final day at the office made me realize something. I am worth so much more than Delias made me feel. And I am worth so much more then how E.S. made me feel. I am an amazing girl who has touched a lot of people in her life. And I have so much to offer. I have been going through a really difficult time in terms of my confidence and my heart, but this isn't the end. Its just the beginning.

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And on Monday I am starting at Bloomingdales. When I told Laura on facebook she was so happy for me and said I was just like Rachel Green from FRIENDS. :) I think things are really going to change from here on out. It may take some time but I am going to keep trying my best to heal and move forward. My heart has always been in the right place.

Shell shocked

July 24, 2014 9:57 pm

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Called my mother from work and started crying and laughing simultaneously. She said I sounded maniacal and that I should leave early and got to the ER. Went home instead to take a bunch of Benadryl and pass out. Trying to get the hives/my cold/my sanity under control. I think I’m so traumatized by the past three years I can’t comprehend that tomorrow is finally my last day. Haven’t started the exit interview paperwork. Not sure how I’m going to be able to articulate how this place has ruined my mental stability in a professional manner….

Everyone keeps pestering me with questions and chit chat and I literally cannot handle it. I want to be left alone. Good thing I’m an expert at driving people away. Haven’t been this alone since college. I think I’m too unhinged to be lonely right now. It will probably hit me later when I’ve settled into my new position. I’ll look around myself and realize I’m still in love with someone who has moved on and forgotten about me ages ago and I’m too fucked in the head to get over it. This has been one of the most agonizing healing processes ever.

Worst and the last

July 23, 2014 9:22 pm

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This has been one of my worst weeks at work. Luckily it’s my last. Completely broke down on Monday. My therapist was shocked as she hadn’t seen me that upset about my anxiety and work and E.S. since the fall. She thinks there is a correlation for me in leaving everything I have been through in the past three years and that’s why Ive been even more sad and upset then usual. She’s concerned about the mixing of my kpinz and Vicodin too. :/ It’s all very mixed up in my head. On an intellectual level I understand it’s over but I can’t seem to get this into my heart so it will stop hurting. This obviously applies to both the company and the man who will remain nameless on my blog.

Im still sick and as per usual NyQuil isn’t doing jack shit for me. I went home early yesterday because I was getting progressively worse and I was just grossing everyone out. Additionally, I’ve spent the rest of the week covered in hives as you can see in the photo above on my neck. They are all over my stomach too. I can’t tell if it’s from stress, the heat, or the cocktail of pills I keep taking :( it can’t keep going on like this.

Future

July 20, 2014 9:41 am

Just going to sit here with my anxiety and cry….

i’m writing the future
i’m writing it out loud
we don’t talk about the past
we don’t talk about the past now
so i’m writing the future
and leaving a key here
something won’t always be missing
you won’t always feel emptier

just think of the future
and think of your dreams
you’ll get away from here
you’ll get away eventually
so just think of the future
think of a new life
don’t get lost in the memories
keep your eyes on a new prize

Looking pretty while feeling shitty

July 19, 2014 5:53 pm


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I’ve been trying to get some skanky outfits out of my system before I have to start dressing more conservative at my new office. Everyone has been mucho complimenting me on the above looks ha! I’ve consistently broken dress code since there has been a dress code and I plan on being a bit of a rebel at my new job too… Just not right away. In the beginning I always like to lay low until I can get a feel for things.

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Last night I missed Charlie’s goodbye toga party in brooklyn. :( I feel really bad about my absence it but I was so beaten down there was no way I could be the social butterfly required. Instead I soothed myself with a bit of vicodin and looked for sad songs on tumblr. Today people have been texting me to go to the beach or go out for drinks or do a movie and I just cant. I am physically sick with some sort of cold which has made my voice extremely hoarse, but its more that I just do not have the energy to be social and pretend to be happy around people. I am exhausted. I just want to sleep until I wake up from this nightmarish heartache.

I was telling my therapist how I cannot believe that I am still emotionally processing the mindfuck that was E.S. and how it is still effecting me negatively. I just feel so inadequate. I was never going to be good enough. She surprised me by observing that I greatly underestimate how detrimental working at my current company has been for my self esteem. My company has made me feel completely unappreciated and worthless. Its given me a horrible anxiety problem and will continue to stress me out until the day I leave. I think this has just been a really really difficult period in my life. And as certain details are revealed to me as time goes on, I am just floored. Complete and total bafflement. And still eternal sadness. I think accepting that I will never really understand him is part of how I will move forward. Even so, instinctually, I still believe in my truth of what happened, but I’ll save that story for another post. I think my gut has been right all along.

EDIT: feeling so low. Going to watch pride and prejudice to try to feel like my old self. :(

Doesn’t Mean Anything

July 19, 2014 9:18 am

All at once I had it all
But it doesnt mean anything
now that you’re gone

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July 18, 2014 7:03 pm

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Oh good grief

July 18, 2014 9:34 am

Leave me out of this. :(

Sick again

July 18, 2014 12:06 am

Today:


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My new boss actually seems really great. Hes super smart and savvy and seems to catching on quickly to the hierarchy/bullshit of management. He definitely knows how to work these women and give them the old razzle dazzle. We are looking to sell this kit where you can create your own ugly christmas sweater. Its going to be planned to comp the sales of the labbit which I think is a great idea. Kind of wish I had been working with him longer as it probably would have had a profound impact on my well being. I do think he is going to be slightly screwed without me though as I am basically holding the department together from an operational standpoint and they are still interviewing candidates for my replacement.

Went out to drinks for Megans last day of work. Former co workers arrived. Word has already spread that I am leaving and everyone was congratulating me. I emailed the distribution center and many of our vendors already, “Please note, my last day is the 25th!” because I cannot contain my joy. Our vendors are all freaking out and clamoring to add me on linkedin, in hopes that wherever I am going next I can continue to be their buyer. Alas I am no longer in merchandising my dear friends!!

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Whenever I used to talk to my french roommate Laura about E.S. she would often reminisce about Andrew, this American boy she met in Paris when he was doing his study abroad. He was her ‘one that got away’ for sure and she would often compare and contrast him to Gus. Anywho Laura and Gus had their coolio french style civil union ceremony so shes totes wifed up. Apparently Andrew is engaged too and she might swing into New York for the wedding!! Andrew is in a new band and Laura messaged Sarah and I asking to go to his show at Webster Hall. I hustled down there after a beer with my co workers and was horrified by the performance I saw. First of all it wasnt even in Webster Hall. It was in the BASEMENT of Webster Hall. Secondly, these two fratty looking boys tried to chat me up in line and asked if I was a ‘hipster ballerina’ which was one example of the terrible lyricism this band has come up with. Third, it was like Sarah and I were at this bizarre highschool reunion. Everyone at the show seemed like they were 19 and in the greek system at some sub par school in New Jersey and were drinking with their fake id’s. Everyone kept traversing from one side of the tiny packed venue to the other for no apparent reason other then to greet their long lost bromance. There were definitely more guys than girls and they were being such dicks too and just flailing about into me while dancing to this teeny bopper music. It had to be one of the weirdest shows I have ever been to. And the band was really not that talented. We were good sports and stuck it out for most of the set but ended up peacing shortly after they started covering the ‘Thong Song’. Ugh. At least it was only $12.

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On the way home Sarah and I stopped at the new Dairy Queen. Look how totally crazed I look with my oreo blizzard. This has been one hell of a week. On the train home though anxiety struck and I started to feel super claustrophobic and nauseous on the train. I told Sarah I would meet her home and ended up kind of walking uptown along central park west trying to breathe and slow my heart beat down. The park is actually quite peaceful at 11:30pm and walking thirty blocks definitely helped. I think I am just really stressed with everything going on and I am having a hard time coping. Also I am definitely getting sick with some sort of summer cold thing which always makes things worse….. :( Josh texted me because he is concerned regarding all my cryface photos. It is a really weird habit of mine but I find it therapeutic. I was discussing with my photoshoot producer who is 42 and one of my closest friends at work. She is of a different generation entirely so she doesn’t understand the whole selfie thing at all but she did tell me she remembers being in her twenties and crying in front of a mirror and it used to make her feel better. So there is something to be said for watching ones own pain manifest itself hahaha. And I am a crazy, sad, useless thing so I can do whatever I want at this point. If cryface selfies and painkillers help then gosh darn it I am going to pursue those hobbies.

This performance is everything

July 16, 2014 10:43 pm

#everygoddamnlyric