Please say hello to Cary Fukunaga who was introduced to me by Sarah. She told me everyone on the interwebz was buzzing about this hottie director who was half japanese and half swedish at the emmys this year! Apparently he won for True Detective. Good for him. But more importantly look at this guy!!! *SWOON* and *PHWOAR* Turns out he also directed my favorite adaptation of Jane Eyre with Mia Wasikowska and Michael Fassbender!! And hes just been announced as the director for the remake of that clown horror movie IT. Hahahah. He’s 37 years old. Which must be the perfect age as it means he’s well past his 30 year old man crisis that is clearly a THING even if no one talks about it.
My adorable parents flew to London last night. In celebration of their 30th wedding anniversary my parents scraped together enough money to go to Europe!! Neither one of them has ever been anywhere in Europe so this is a very big deal!! In the weeks leading up to the trip my dad just got more and more excited. He got a new camera and a new filson bag and a couple little chips so he had enough storage to take 6,000 pictures! hahahah! I cant wait to hear all about their adventures!! I am a little sad though because I wont be able to call mummyko when I’m feeling lonely or sad. Ah well I shall survive.
I spent Friday evening watching Mia Wallace in Pulp Fiction, which I have NEVER SEEN BEFORE. Ha! I know its kind of crazy. I was planning on having a chill night but god damn I cant watch a movie like that without getting high myself. shit. shit. shit….. which leads me to this…..
I’ll probably end up deleting this.
I called Sarah to see if she wanted to order Harlem Shake with me but she was staying late at the office. Dining for one tonight! I think Sarah and I have managed to get over our fight where I was essentially tricked into going to a linkin park concert. I’m glad because she is a really great roommate.
Went to Warby Parker in Soho today just to get my glasses adjusted. Once I’ve paid off a few bills I am going to get the Banks sunglasses with my actual prescription in the lenses. My Raybans from 2008 have held up fairly well but I am ready to bite the bullet and get sunnies that actually help me SEE.
Real bad bitches do it themselves. ;) New shelf! You can take your help elsewhere boys.
Tonight I’m doing karaoke with a few ladies. Im considering this a warm up round for the big office shin dig we have planned on the 2nd!
So now I would like to focus on some of the lovely things that have been happening to me as I struggle to stay brave and move forward….
Soy lattes + Cinnamon to welcome the beautiful autumn weather.
Red doors in Harlem
Candle holders from Ikea
Been going to Pilates every Wednesday evening in addition to Barre on Sundays. Think I might start Yoga on Friday nights too. I am proud of how strong I have become.
Cooking a few things here and there. This is a vegan/gluten free stir fry.
This stock is at the lowest its every been. I am SO thankful I got out while I did.
Trying my best to keep my head up and get dressed with joy every morning.
I’ve had a couple of amazing/surreal meetings at work. On Monday afternoon my team met with the hot creative director and discussed our accomplishments, challenges and our possible suggestions for studio expansion. Sitting in his fancy corner office with skyscrapers as our backdrop and running through the possibilities of building a photo studio in green point or east williamsburg with Cole (my bosses boss who adores me) spearheading the project made me swell with pride that this is what I am able to do for a living. Ruth had prepped a great presentation full of financial analysis. Rhoda was super professional and asked great questions. The hot creative director was really excited about the possibilities.
Tuesday night I went to drinks with Cole, Rhoda, Ruth and Thomas, one of our photographers who shoots all our fine jewelry. I have so much respect for what he does as it is not easy to photograph fine jewelry. Lighting and capturing the subtitles of all that complex faceting in diamonds requires extreme talent. Thomas was such a cutie and friendly and so easy to talk to! I had such a great time with them and when I only had one glass of wine, Cole nodded his understanding. As a fellow japanese he totally gets that I am not a huge drinker because of the asian flush. I had another sudden realization while everyone was dissing karaoke and horoscopes (until I won them over on both concepts with my charming persuasion)! I am once again the baby on the team. Cole is 51, Thomas is 43, Rhoda is 32 and Ruth is 28 and baby Miya is only 25. For most of my life I have always been the youngest amongst my co workers. I get along really well with older people. Growing up everyone always thought I was older and I grew accustomed to socializing with people in very different stages of life from myself. It feels right for me and it shows in the conversation. Cole was telling us all about his regrets from his twenties and Thomas was talking about how shocked he was when he cried dropping off his son on the first day of school. Very different from happy hour with the Delias girls. But in a really good healthy way. And I count this as progress in my social anxiety with men.
Last night I went psychotic on Josh after thinking more about our inappropriate texting on Sunday. I essentially berated him with all my frustrations over our failed romance and his inability to help sooth me during my mental freak outs just escalated everything into a full on fight. I think it will be best for both of us to remove him from my life permanently. I am just so sad all over again. ES and now Josh too have made me feel that I deserve nothing better than to be the side girl or in the grey zone, or some secret fling. Why am I not worthy of being the girlfriend?? What about me is makes them want to just toy with my heart? My social anxiety with straight guys stems mainly form my repeated experiences where my feelings are manipulated by men just so they can fuck me. They dont care that I am a real girl and how much it hurts me every time I’m deceived. It is so hard for me to trust guys when I have spent most of my adult life realizing that most of them don’t care to know Miya, they just want to know Miya’s sexuality. I think this renewed fountain of pain is derailing my healing once again. My manic crying episodes returned today. I think I might need to increase my dosage of effexor. I texted my therapist in a panic trying to see her this week but she’s completely unavailable. I spent the commute home in tears and shaking. As soon as I was in my room, I took my last Percocet and got nice and high; obvi I started to feel much better. I filmed a tearful vlog going through my uncontrollable sadness which also made me feel a bit better…
Job well done
Yeah you got what you wanted
I guess you won
I really was ruined by ES. He hurt me so much. I think what hurts the most was how quickly I was forgotten… It meant so much more to me then it did to him. Healing is a long process. Three steps forward and one step back. My friends have been so great to me. Norma and Carlene texted me this morning and my wifey has been doing her best to help me with my sadness….. I have to keep moving forward. I am trying my best. I just hope that is good enough.
What does one do with dick pics of lovers past? In the olden days I would have love letters to put in a shoebox under my bed. That sounds quite nice. Now I just have a digital archive of a romance that I was accused of making up all on my own. If I had indeed created this fantasy man I probably would have left out the penis pictures. Just saying. Norma suggested via twitter that I make a gallery. Hahah Hmmmm probably not. They were for Miya’s eyes only…. Unless I am making that part up too.
I have a new problem…I am no longer miserable and so I have all this free time that isn’t spent crying. Therefore I seem to be developing a bad habit that leads to impaired judgement….
Listen to me preaching about integrity and shit. I still got a LONG FUCKING WAY to go. And if anything last night was proof of the following: 1.) My anti depressants are not stronger than my libido. 2.) I can be just as weak as a man 3.) Sexting is enabling my social anxiety with men 4.) I need to stop getting high every weekend 5.) The norwegian chick is clearly not his girlfriend and he probably shouldn’t be in a relationship with her if he’s still missing me… I know what its like to jump into a relationship to mask your boredom/loneliness rather than because you feel the genuine heat of real attraction. It doesn’t end well.
Too bad I’m not seeing my therapist this week. I need some advice on how to work through this. I woke up ready to start slutshaming myself but quickly remembered forgiveness has been key in my healing process. Nobody is perfect. I never thought he who shall not be named was perfect either. And he certainly proved that to me a million times over in the spring. As my girl Bey puts it, “I’m only human. Don’t judge me.”
I can do this though. I can try to be a better, stronger version of Miya. But who still breaks the dress code.
100% Campaign popping up all over the city. I cant believe I work for a company thats actually producing beautiful legitimate work.
Got an amazing deal on this Muubaa leather jacket that was originally $665. It was marked at Urban on discount for $299 but I know the clearance at Urban is usually cheaper then what was last marked so I brought it up to the cashier to get a price check and it was only $59. BAHAHA Miya wins.
Trying it on last night and then I wore it today to brunch with Erika because its our first true autumn day. I love fall fashion so fucking much!!!! Cannot wait to be wearing boots and scarves and jeans again!
Toast in Morningside heights. They were playing Amy Winehouse and Frank Sinatra.
A new video…. Its strange what I post about on this blog now that I am happy and moving forward.
I want to start a series of posts where I discuss some of Miya’s true style icons!! ^_^ I dont think my love of Lisbeth Salander from the Millenium series is a surprise to anyone. As a character I simply adore her but most of all I am obsessed with how Trish Summerville brought her to life with the costumes in the David Fincher’s version of Girl With a Dragon Tattoo (2011). I quite liked the costumes in the swedish version of the film as well but Trish Summerville is basically untouchable in my head. If you didnt know she is also the geniosity behind Christina Aguilera’s assless chaps in the Dirrty music video! I thought the capsule collection for H&M that was released around the same time as the movie was marketing heaven and a perfect merchandising marriage. I wish I had some insight into the sales for that collaboration but I have a feeling it wasnt stellar which leads me back to the over all look of Lisbeth. Its not for everyone. But for Miya it is absolute perfection. Shredded tees, hoodies, leather jackets, combat boots and super androgynous pants. Ughhh and that color/texture palette of blacks, greys and washed down everything is just beautiful <3
Under the cut are more costume production photos from set that I recently found online that make me very happy.