I’m finally getting around to writing a bit about my sakura tattoo. I like it when there is a bit of a story or personal meaning behind a tattoo even though I don’t think its necessary by any means. A beautiful piece of work doesnt need to have any sort of significance as far as I am concerned.
When I was in high school, I worked with a bunch of girls who were dating tattoo artists or starting to cover themselves in bigger pieces and thats when I first started to fall in love with how sakura (japanese cherry blossoms) looked as traditional fill ins on sleeves. I’m also rather fond of Courtney Love’s random scattering of individual sakura tattoos which I have been posting on tumblr for an eternity. Seeing as how my birthday is in April (prime season for sakura viewing) I thought this would be a lovely gift to myself and a nice little reminder of spring and new beginnings. The placement might look weird to everyone but I actually had the blossoms deliberately done to mark the four major stars that make up the Aries constellation as another nod to my fixation on identity and what makes me who I am. My mother was even pleased with it since its very Japanese too.
And now, I have a serious itching to do a couple of large black roses on the back side….. I’m wearing an old mens yukata as the weather has cooled to this perfectly sexy temperature too.
This morning I had even more corporate training. We spent several hours discussing the nuances of the benefits package which I’m happy we went through. I think I’m going to sign up for long term disability. It’s only like $5 a check and seems like it would be extremely useful in the event of a qualifying event. The hr woman gave the example of a woman who got pregnant with twins and was put on immediate bed rest. Under short term disability she was paid in full for six months (genius!) and because she had long term disability she was paid partially for the final three months of her pregnancy too. Not that I’m planning on getting pregnant…. But you never know! I think every woman secretly fears immaculate conception….
This has got to be one of the funniest corporate training videos I have ever seen. And it was on one of the least funny topics ever: how to survive a live shooter. They literally taught me that I should run, hide and fight back in that order. Oh and make sure my cell phone is silenced. Good god. I wonder if this has happened at their HQ before or if this is some standard thing larger american companies show their new hires…..
Been feeling a lot better today about everything. It kind of freaks me out how quiet my office is. Like we talk in super hushed voices and it makes me kind of edgy. I told my new manager that at my last company women would run down my aisle shouting and then usually trip over the piles of shit we could never seem to get rid of. We didnt use instant messenger either because we would just yell at each other from across the row. I think adjusting is going to take me a while. All of their internal web/image production systems seem so fancy and sophisticated. Photo sample tags are printed with a barcode so the studio can scan it in and Ruth and I will have a constantly updated log of where the samples were and when. In my old world, I would spend hours hand writing these little tags and then physically run all over the office desperately trying to find them because they were constantly missing. At the studio in tribeca they have seven on figure sets shooting simultaneously FIVE DAYS A WEEK!!! The volume of product that we are turning through is crazy to me!!!
Went to yoga tonight and had a really good class. Got all bendy and stretched out, especially in the hips and now I’m in a COMPLETELY different place from yesterday. Feels like I am a cat in fucking heat for christ sake. My mood swings are unbearable. One day I am sobbing because I am dying for a morphine drip and the next I am meditating to x rated memories of dawnlit sex from over a year ago. Ssssssssss….. I’m sure I’ll be back to crying again tomorrow, but its nice to know the fire is still in me. Even if it is unhealthy what I fantasize about…
Anyone who knows me, knows I am not really a TV person. And when I get into something its really random, and way after everyone else has been into it. I got bored with the fairy plot line on True Blood last season so I still need to catch up on that. And then I am anal retentive about finishing GoT in book form before watching the actual show. Basically the only thing I consistently watch is Say Yes to the Dress on Netflix hahahah. WELL, I have a new obsession: The Killing. I think I am rather partial to it because of where it takes place. All the rainy dark shots of Seattle and the surrounding area is just so soothing to me. I think its supposed to look depressing and scary but to me its home!! Also, Detective Holder is like an uber sexy version of the meth tweaking/wangsta boys I went to high school with. This Northwest male stereotype is often underrepresented in entertainment so I enjoy his presence tremendously. <3 I’m only on season two but its definitely filling some void in my life. Just wait until I start reblogging gifs on tumblr.
Todays biggest obstacle was how we were going to shoot this agent provocateur assless lace bodysuit with a split crotch. Everyone was freaking out about how the models wouldnt want to put it on but the buyer was insisting it couldnt be shot as a laydown (which I totally understand because you would lose all the detail and no one would buy it). I pitched that they shoot it on a white form and then retouch the form out (because thats what they did for swim at my old company) and our creative director agreed that was a good idea. I sat with a merch coordinator and watched her upload product page templates onto their system. She basically reformats data in excel…. Besides that I didn’t really do anything. IT still hasnt given me access to the servers I need and I cant even get to the printer behind me. My badge doesnt open any doors so I cant even use the bathroom without pestering someone. Trains were all sorts of fucked up so it took me and an hour and a half to get uptown.
Still came home and started crying. I dont have anything to eat. Not that I have much of an appetite anyways. I think everyone expects me to be happy now that I have a new job. I think even I expected that. What another disappointment.
I remember previously resisting the idea of anti depressants because I didnt want to give up my sex drive. But I dont really need a sex drive anyways since I’m still too sad to be with anyone right now. My entire signing bonus is probably just going to go towards paying to extend my health insurance since bloomies insurance doesnt kick in for three months. Everyone thinks paying for COBRA is unnecessary because I am “young and healthy” but what they dont understand is that I have to see my head doctor on August 11th and my therapist every week and I cant afford any of my prescriptions out of pocket either. I just have to keep my head down and keep trying my best to get better. Bravery.
EDIT: watching that second video actually stopped my tears… I think its that hit of endorphins I get…. “Work is for paying the rent.” But what will I do with myself if work no longer paralyzes my life with anxiety?? How do I find Miya now? How do I make her happy again? I know I shouldn’t hope for a ghost in my dreams tonight…… but I do. Hard to tell if my pillow is wet from crying or from my bleeding heart.
You were sorta punk rock, I grew up on hip hop
But you fit me better than my favourite sweater, and I know
That love is mean, and love hurts
But I still remember that day we met in December, oh baby!
I will love you ’til the end of time
I would wait a million years
Promise you’ll remember that you’re mine
Baby can you see through the tears
Love you more
Than those bitches before
Say you’ll remember, oh baby, say you’ll remember, oh baby ooh
I will love you ’til the end of time
Corporate Miya. Kept it metal with the black nail polish, unwashed hair and giant leg wound.
UPGRADE. Looking forward to being on a mac at work!!! Benefits of the creative team! To the left is a little note the hot creative director left me congratulating me on my first day. He also sort of creeped up on me later and made polite small talk. Very nice of him.
Here’s the thing though. One day at my new office does not cure Miya’s sadness. Not even close. I still spent my therapy appointment crying. And I still sat on the train uptown with tears rolling down my face while everyone politely pretended it wasn’t happening. Its going to take a long time for me to heal from the shit I have been through. This weekend I was actually feeling better emotionally, which is why I did a couple of posts that come purely from a place of joy. But I’m not sure how to stay happy. I feel like I sounded ungrateful today while talking about my first day. Its difficult for me to focus on the pride and positivity of my accomplishment because I am just so fucking sad. I remember last week asking my therapist, “What is the point of everything?!?!” Either spending some time in a work environment that is professional and supportive is going to help me or I really do need to re consider anti depressants. Because now there is no excuse.
Pictures from the 2011, 2012 and 2013 holiday party. It sucks because I cant not care about that company. And it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth to feel like I worked my ass off for three years and it didn’t amount to anything. Even though that isn’t true. I have learned so much, especially about what NOT to do. I’m just disappointed. I think its a skill to learn how to balance your professional life and expectations. I wasn’t able to master turning it all off at the end of the day. I carried a lot of the stress and frustration with me and it built up into something terrible. Hopefully tomorrow will be the start of something healthier and more positive. I’m going to miss Amy so much. I told her this is the underground railroad and I am going to get all my girls out of there.
I love that snapchat added neighborhood icons! Depending on where you are in New York, snapchat has different frames for your neighborhood. This is the central park frame from a few weeks ago when I was reading to avoid my depression. There is a really cute one for Harlem too!
Kylie posted this on facebook which made me happy. This is from when we first moved to New York City, nearly SEVEN YEARS AGO. I’ve always had too much sass for my own good. Also on a completely unrelated note, yesterday I opened my birth control and there was a small dead cockroach nestled around saturdays pill. I swear to god #onlyinnewyork
So…… my girl Carlene hooked me up for the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale. She called me and took my order over the phone and then went hunting all over the flagship store in Seattle finding my items and then she packed it all up and shipped it to me in NYC. And she sent me five million Estee Lauder samples. God I love Nordstrom <3. Anyways go ahead and judge me. I am so fucking excited for fall (easily the best season in New York City).
Yes I got TWO coats. And a pair of faux leather trousers (I can wear them to work!) and a bad ass choker necklace.
I also got my wifey her birthday present :) I look a bit haggard in these photos since they are from last monday after my fit of hysterical crying in my therapist office. Sadly, all this shopping did cheer my soul.
I had a goodbye coffee with Charlie at the Grey Dog in Soho last Sunday. And then naturally he took me to the American Apparel outlet where I got this beautiful leather skirt and this insanely sexy bra. Then we went to Uniqlo and I got the most perfect black wrap dress ever for $20. This new dress code is going to force me to step my game up. It might be nice to dress like a grown woman for once…. we shall see. I of course took a bunch of selfies of me in the bra which is pointless as I have no one to send them to. Ah well, when I am an old bitter hag I can pull a ‘Rose from Titanic’ and show everyone what a dish I was back in the day. Bahahah.
So obviously as the Assistant Merchandiser for Accessories I was always taking note of this kind of thing. Beth had gone to a market appointment with Fjällräven while I was out on medical leave. Apparently the sales rep for north america was very willing to work with us but nothing ever came of it. Probably for the best actually since this is way too expensive for what [my former] customer is willing to pay. Its definitely a bit of a thing though and I do enjoy trying to sneak pictures of people wearing this backpack all over New York. #personalchallenge
I wont really need to keep track of this kind of thing for work anymore, but I always like to be informed of whats going on. Being observant is just how you get smarter.
Dinner at Habana Outpost. Apparently this is like a ‘thing’ in Brooklyn. Its essentially a glorified food truck thats totally solar powered and has a really nice outdoor courtyard. I kept it virgin with a pineapple ginger lemonade since I am still not feeling great.
Met up with Carol Ann, her friend Catilin and my tumblr buddy Adam for food/drinks, but they had different seats so we had to part ways inside Barclays.
Wifey and I killing time before Miss Katy Perry came on. She told me all about her trip back to Seattle for Denny’s wedding. I liked that she had so much to catch me up on because my mood had fallen that afternoon and I was pretty quiet and forlorn prior to the show starting.
I took a lot of videos because it was 2 hours of amazingness and our seats were kind of the best I have ever purchased for a big show. But this is obviously my favorite. <3 So come just as you are to me / Dont need apologies / Know that you are worthy There was a girl at the show with a tattoo on her back that said ‘Pop Music Isn’t Dead’ which I thought was completely brilliant.
During the encore she performed Birthday and they dropped all these balloons from the ceiling of barclays and launched all this confetti into the air. It seemed kind of like a safety hazard but it was also really fun!
Katy Perry flying on a balloon above me.
Switched my boots for the concert: chose to break in my new doc martens and holy fuck did I get a blister on my right ankle. Surprised I didnt bleed. Always worth it though.