I cannot stop thinking about work. My mind is racing all the time. I think I am going to go into the office after Fluidity tomorrow and help beth get scarves and bags prepped in the TYLY’s and assortment sheets so that we could power through the PO’s before Thanksgiving. I am just so sick of this vicious cycle of failure. And restructuring my whole department and firing two girls and then telling us all we need to step it up has got to be the greatest demoralizer of all time.
Part of why I was so unbelievably upset about having to move my surgery out to January was not just because of all the logistics I had taken care of (medical leave, disability claims, booking flights, rearranging my whole life….) was because it delays my job search another month.
I wonder when the heartbreak will end?
First your mind gets sick.
Then your heart gets sick
And then everything starts to shut down bit by bit.
I can’t believe how naive I was. What did I think he would say? What did I think he would do? You were convenient. And then driving me off the edge was no longer as entertaining for him. I am a real girl with real feelings. What did HE think would happen.
My physical pain has started to match the emotional pain. And it is excruciating.
Tonight during yoga, my instructor told us to send our breath out to someone we love immensely… And right on cue I started to cry. Not like manic depressive tears like two weeks ago, but definitely sad tears: clarity tears.
I am feeling a lot better. I haven’t taking any klonopin in over a week. I’m not cured but its progress.
Yesterday Mercedes told me she was leaving. She’s going to London to teach workshops on girls self image and self esteem. She was one of the coolest girls at work so I am very sad to see her go. I ran into her at the gym today and we walked out together and she told me how she’s taking some time off before she moves and going back to Brazil and Uruguay to see her family. And then she brought up the new office environment and how weird everything is. I was surprised that even she felt the tension of how disposable we all our to upper management whoever they may be. She was so sweet to me and told me that I was so awesome to work with and I am so smart and have a good energy and that I cant let one company bring me down. Everyone knows how miserable I am.
Things are getting better though. I havent needed any pills at all this week. On Monday I wanted to interrupt my therapist and tell her its not a break up since we were never together, but please continue your thought on how I push people away when I am feeling extreme stress. She gave me a really thoughtful idea for getting some more sense of closure and I keep brainstorming but havent quite found the time to sit down and write. I need to focus on myself the next few months. I just want to shun (almost) everyone and be alone.
When I was 22, I found someone who changed me forever. You can’t help who you fall in love with.
I am never going to get over him, but I must move forward. Even though the pain is unbearable.
I went to my first appointment on Monday. My therapist asked why I had come for counseling and I told her because of my anxiety. as I elaborated I was crying almost immediately and once I started it was hard for me to stop for the duration of the forty five minutes. I feel like I have completely unraveled. She seems like she might be a good fit for me. Her primary focus is on how stressful and unsupportive my work environment is but that’s because she barely got to hear about the man who changed my life despite the fact that I was nothing but a convenient pen pal for him and whose rejection of my love has literally destroyed me. I took one look at the email he had sent me post present receipt and I cried the entire way home on the subway. It seemed like an appropriate time to pop two kpinz and make everything fuzzy and carefree but I still couldn’t stop crying. The next day I felt really well rested and had my first anxiety free day in weeks but today I was a mess. Do you know how hard it is for me to not cry at my desk? To not cry on the treadmill? To not cry in front of my roommates. I’m crying all the time and I have no appetite and no laughter and no smiles. I am ruined and I am miserable. And I don’t know how far from the bottom I am.
I am so angry with myself for loving him as much as I do. I want to kill it but I don’t know how. And I’m drowning in my separation from him even though I know he doesn’t want me. That conflict has been my undoing.
I CANT MOVE ON YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE YOU RUINED ME.
Weirdly feel like updating.
Beth had asked me to brainstorm ideas to grow our cosmetics business. I came up with a few different brands that I thought fit our demographic and price point targets. I reached out to the sales rep for Essence which is a German based cosmetics company with very limited exposure in North America. Their US office put together an amazing presentation that got us really excited about the potential for a partnership and they let us raid their fixture for a ton of free samples to show upper management. It’s always really nice when I realize I love buying and have a lot to contribute.
Stayed late and Beth had me color assort the first quarter scarf assortment (not as easy as it sounds to get the right balance of color, print, texture and fun). I like that she let me play associate buyer today
On the way home had a really fond memory and found myself smiling like the crazy lovelorn loon that I am, but then i remembered what had happened and it was like someone had choked the breath out of me. I think I have walked past that guy on the stoop gasping for air two nights in a row now. He probably think I am…… crazy. But hey, at least one of the therapists called me back to set up an appointment on Monday.