They are out there

October 22, 2014 6:31 pm

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I just want to give another shoutout to Lanny for being the only guy who dated me and dumped me but maintained his decency and treated me with the respect and kindness I deserve. No grey zone. No keeping me a secret. No denials. Just honesty. Love this photo of us drunk as shit at the Asian Club hahahahahah.

Let’s just remember that there are some good ones out there. And I did want to write a post thanking those who were good to me and treated me well. <3

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Special honorary mention to Bogdan for being my one and only true fling and also for being a good guy and keeping our humor and friendship alive four years after we met in Manchester. It would be so cool to meet him in Romania but I am secretly hoping I can convince him to meet me in Istanbul instead…… Still trying to dream big like my Mr. Big! Bogdan has always been on team Miya :)

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And now on to the bad stuff: October 19, 2013. My anxiety made me very thin. I cant believe that was only a year ago. I am still very lonely…. :/ i don’t think I will ever gets used to being lonely…. It feels wrong. It goes against my nature. I’m a romantic and an Aries and I want a partner. I am having a harder time blogging now because the anti depressants have done a really good job of flattening me out. I just feel as if I don’t have much to say…..

Geniosity from my photo producer over my rage regarding Josh’s treatment of me. I was re reading our fight and cannot believe how cruel he became in the end. She explains why I’m so heated perfectly:

Don’t obsess over that and don’t spin. You are probably feeling a little anxiety because you feel upset about not being able to speak with your therapist and think you need to work your way through your stuff quickly… But josh is a part of your past and your needed him as a crutch from ES. And think you may have sort blended them together a bit emotionally and so this is making you feel more upset than you are. This may not make any sense in a text but basically it is like josh makes you feel worse and ES is who drove you to josh for the assist in the first place to reassure you and then he disappointed you!!

Ugh my instincts about josh were right all along, even though he almost had me fooled. I’ll never see those boys ever again. And good riddance.

Switching wardrobes

October 21, 2014 9:44 pm


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I just finished switching my spring/summer clothes out for my fall/winter clothes. This is a recent concept for me since Seattle’s mild weather doesnt produce such extreme wardrobe changes. But now that I have been in NYC for a while it has become abundantly clear that I definitely have enough clothes per season that I have to stow some away in bins while not in use. Its kind of exciting to pull out some of my favorites from last year. But I think I am going to have to edit a bit since I really don’t have the space for the amount of crap I have accumulated. Like how many ‘comfy pants’ do I really need to own??? I am constantly trying to purge but I never feel like I am living a life of simplicity. Ugh. Its a work in progress.

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Just some transitional work outfits from the past few weeks: definitely pushing appropriateness with the creepers and knee high socks but whatever. I think Cole likes my style.

Cooch doctor + Cum on me tits

October 19, 2014 4:49 pm


Got your attention with the title yeah? Thought so. Just an update from the past few days. If women’s health issues are too much for your pussy brained heads to handle then maybe skip to the end of this. If someone is judging me on this post than they should probably go look in the mirror and than educate themselves.

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Giddy up! Friday I went to my OBGYN whom I absolutely adore. She is so professional and her whole staff is so friendly and nice. She asked me that dreaded trick question, “Am I sexually active?” I told her I don’t know how to answer that and she said, “In the past three months?” and I said, NOPE! Let the pity party continue!!! I got my annual exam/pap smear to make sure I am maintaining my rep of a clean punani. hahahah. Last year I had an abnormal test result. Turns out I have HPV ! I know who gave me that….. SO THANX 4 NOTHIN! -_- I was kind of freaked out and confused when she told me because I had the series of Gardisal vaccinations when they came out, but then I researched it more and it turns out there are multiple kinds of HPV. Gardisal protects me from the cancerous HPV, but even with all those years of health class I forgot that basically everyone in the sexually active population has HPV and its kind of just like a cold and clears up all on its own. Even my vagina got sick last year. Ugh.

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Look at all this crap. Its kind of alarming.

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I figured I might as well get some blood work done while I was there. I explained to the nurse that I had trouble bleeding last time and I have notoriously difficult tiny veins. Sure enough we had trouble on the right side. Apparently that vein is close to the surface so it looks like a good one but then the needle ends up poking halfway through and then I just bleed internally. We had more luck on the left side and the nurse gave me some tips to remember since patients typically know their own veins better than the nurses. I need a 23 gauge needle because my veins are so small and the left one is actually the better arm to use. My eyes look all fucked up in these pictures because they are swollen from crying so much Thursday night. :/

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Omg. Megan sent this to me. lololololz. Even off the record I am too pussy to say anything.

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That night I took some pills and watched Addicted to Love (1997) starring Meg Ryan and Mathew Broderick which was recommended to me by the senior retoucher at work. Basically they stalk their exes from the abandoned building across the street, charting their every mood and reaction and attempting to sabotage their happiness. Obvi I can relate!! But there were some great 90’s fashion moments in here too!!

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Saturday morning, Shannon and I went to the Jeff Koons exhibit since its closing weekend at the Whitney. After these exhibitions they are moving to their new building in the meatpacking district. I’m not a huge Jeff Koons fan at all but I love the Whitney and shannon really wanted to go so I figured I might as well. I think the most impressive thing is his use of materials. That giant thing of play dough is made of polychromed aluminum.

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These are so hideous its kind of amazing.

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What is important to note here is that this girl is wearing a Cher Farewell Tour tee that she cut up herself. <3

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Obviously Made In Heaven was my favorite series.

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Shannon overheard this dad walking into the gallery with his daughter and he immediately tensed up and muttered to himself, “Okay…. we are going to look at this because its ‘art’…..and I’m…..going to think of a way to explain this…..to an eight year old……” bahahahahah

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Went upstairs to look at the Edward Hopper Exhibit only to discover I had seen all of these paintings already!! Before Charlie moved to NOLA he was working at the Whitney in PR. He was always bitching about how the Whitney has so many amazing pieces that they cant show because they have to put together massive mainstream exhibitions like Jeff Koons. I mean… its is a business after all.

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I did like this photograph from Steve Fitch and I am going to send this to my dad as I know he will appreciate it.

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After that, Shannon and I took the bus crosstown through Central Park to Cafe Lalo. Fun fact: they filmed a scene from You’ve Got Mail here. It’s just been a Meg Ryan kind of weekend. *cue my mothers cringe*

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Outfit of the day: finally wearing my teddy bear coat since its finally feeling like October. Hat is from Nordstrom in Santa Barbara. :)

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Saw Gone Girl with Steff and LOVED it. I mean its some of my favorite movie people ever: David Fincher + Trent Reznor/Atticus Ross + Trish Summerville!! Even though I read the book I definitely forgot some key things that happened. Lolz. Omg when Amy rolls over on top of Desi mid sex and is covered in blood from the neck down I was obsessed. AhhhhhhhhhhH! Crazy bitches got to stick together! And she is a CRAZYYYYYYYY BITCHHHHHHHH. Another favorite Amy line is when she sees Andie on TV and remarks that she is hiding her ‘cum on me tits’.

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Just something else I wanted to post about. When I was in Santa Barbara I got more film for my Instax camera at Urban Outfitters and also got this photo album thats made especially for the Instax mini poloroids!! Ahhh <333 Making some lovely memories here.

Paris Fashion Week: Sp/Sum 2014

October 18, 2014 10:02 am

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My favorite look from one of my favorite brands: Saint Laurent. <3 The firework embroidery on that blazer is INSANITY. I wasnt hardcore about keeping up with fashion week this season like I thought I would be. I didnt even realize that Cathy Horyn had retired from the New York Times!! But I went to my first trend presentation at work which was actually really interesting. My old trend presentations were so hyper specific (down to the print and trim) since we did so much product development, which is essentially designing for those who are unfamiliar with the term. Bloomies fashion office gets to go to all the major shows and then they do sort of a general recap of what they think are going to be the major trends for our customer. Its cool to see actual runway photos in a trend presentation since its actually applicable to my new customer and I think they really identified some ACTUAL newness. Rhoda was making fun of them saying how usually the presentations consist of, “Denim is going to be HUGE for fall! This season its all about wearing CLOTHES!” but I completely disagree. Some of the key trends they reported on were things I havent seen in fashion in a long time: culottes, the shoulder as an erogenous zone, bell bottoms, handkerchief hems, and my favorite: silk neck scarves (see above photo for how I want to wear it). There is a way to speak to fashion intelligently and I thought the bloomies fashion office did a great job considering how little notoriety they have in the industry. Not everyone can be Jenna Lyons for christ sake. And thank god for that.

Last session

October 16, 2014 9:50 pm

Tonight was my last appointment with Annsley. It was at 6:30 so I had to fight my way through rush hour traffic in Herald Square which was terrible. As I was hurrying up the stairs some guy barreled past me and I fell down. Its always the small ones that get knocked down. :( I was already feeling stressed because I was late to my appointment and also vulnerable because i was getting ready to say goodbye to someone who has been my closest confidant for the past year. I was in tears by the time I got to her office. It was such a sorrowful session. I reflected on how we have been together for an entire year and yet I feel like the only thing that has changed is my job and the amount of drugs I take. She thinks I have made vast improvements. Recognizing how to take care of myself, learning what I want and need in my future partner, not relying on rebounds to cover up residual feelings. Everything just has to be so fucking complicated. Saying goodbye to her makes me feel a completely renewed sense of sadness. I’ll spare you the cryface photos, but this has not been easy for me. It took me a while to find my safety net: the people who would support and care for me in my depression and not mock or shrug off my heartache regarding ES. And now I am losing one of them. I’m going to send her a thank you card this week since I was having a hard time articulating myself in our last appointment. She told me she loved having me as a client because I brought so much colorful humor to our sessions and that she thinks that even though I am part of the fashion industry I have a much more macro view of the world and how it works. She said she was going to miss me. Her parting advice to me was that I try to let people in. I sat silent for a moment on that one. Because I feel the irony stinging. The whole reason for my sadness is because I did let someone in. Someone who knocked the breath out of me and made me burn. I will try to think about what she said, but I am not sure how I can go about letting someone else in. I think I will just need more time. I will try my best. #bravery

I should be getting assigned a new thearpist who can take evening appointments in 2-3 weeks. My healing continues.

PHOTO DIARY: SANTA BARBARA

October 15, 2014 7:07 pm


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The moment we have all been waiting for…. under the cut :)

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Gone to California

October 10, 2014 5:24 am


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Happy birthday

October 9, 2014 12:00 am

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As long as you’re happy. Xoxo

Big girls don’t cry

October 7, 2014 8:55 pm

Had kind of a significant breakthrough in therapy. Left me sobbing and doesnt make me feel any better about things. I guess we know how I ended up getting this fucked up, but I dont really have a strategy yet on how to get better. On top of everything else my therapist is dumping me. She says she cant take evening appointments anymore. I told her I would think about trying to work something out with bloomies where I could maybe leave early but I dont really want to do that. I am in a junior position at my job and to be requesting to leave early is not something I am comfortable with. Plus I already have so many doctors appointments that require me to come in late as it is. I think I am going to have to switch therapists. Which really bums me out. Annsley has seen me for over a year now. She was there during the original breakdown. She was there after my jaw surgery. She was there for me mere hours before I met he who shall not be named in person after he completely broke my heart. She was there for me after I cried leaving Delias. I dont know how I can even begin to explain everything to someone new. The idea is just too overwhelming. Maybe I should just stop therapy altogether. And that leads me to the next gem of info. Apparently my copay changed Jan 1st, 2014 so I should have been paying $20 every time I saw my therapist or psychiatrist. However no one told me this so I was still paying my old co pay of $5.50. Im pretty sure I owe Blanton Peale close to $1,000 now. Surprise. They say I can pay it off in small amounts each time I come which is very accommodating. I feel like I just cant climb out of this hole of misery no matter how hard I try.


Going to watch this and hope I stop crying…. Americanah is already one of my favorite books and I’m only half way through.

Just another weekend: last hope

October 6, 2014 10:27 pm


It’s just a spark
But it’s enough to keep me going
And when it’s dark out, no one’s around
It keeps glowing

And the salt in my wounds isn’t burning anymore than it used to
It’s not that I don’t feel the pain, it’s just I’m not afraid of hurting anymore
And the blood in these veins isn’t pumping any less than it ever has
And that’s the hope I have, the only thing I know that’s keeping me alive

Gotta let it happen

Apparently they re-released this song. And its quite fitting. I can feel my double dose of effexor kicking in. Tonight I did vinyasa yoga and I was randomly able to do this crazy ass bind while standing on one leg. There is a bit of optimism in the air. Well as much optimism as you can have on a Monday.

THE WEEKEND RECAP

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Kiwa hair salon decorated for Halloween :)

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Getting double teamed by Junko and her assistant who is a total bad ass. Even though her assistant doesnt speak the greatest english we were able to agree that the chinese girl two chairs down cackling on her phone while getting her hair blown out was totally tacky and gross.

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A true strawberry blonde this time. We went lighter on the allover color. Feelin like Axl Rose in his prime.

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Got a green juice. This is the owners son and he is totemo adorable.

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A rare appearance of Shannon in my post hair color selfie.

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Sunday I ran errands. Still trying to break these fuckers in. At least they didnt slice up my ankle like last time.

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Sundays OOTD. Gave my skin a break and went sans make up all day. Free people flannel, rag and bone high waisted jeans and black doc martens.

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Shannon, April and I FINALLY went to Paris Blues for the first time. You dont understand. We have lived across from this super divey/sketch looking bar for TWO YEARS and then I randomly saw it featured in a New York Times article about Harlem; I was shocked to find out that its kind of a legit spot in the Jazz scene. I guess its one of the few Jazz bars in Harlem that is still in its original location!

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The drinks were strong. The bartender was dancing. The music was amazing. They had a Latin Jazz band playing that night with a guest appearance from the singer Anette St. John who cameoed for a version of the The Girl from Ipanema which is apparently a very well known song to everyone except Miya. Hahahah. They even had a crock pot with free chicken, rice and beans. Paris Blues is LEGIT. And totally going to be Apt 1C’s new spot. <3 It wasnt even super crowded. We were able to get a table no problem. There was an aging intellectual couple, a rando tourist couple (soooooo obviously european), and a hipster couple that looked like they got turned around on their way to brooklyn. The rest of the customers looked like Harlem locals or cats that had wandered in off the street. I really enjoyed my evening there but I couldnt help but feel like this would be the perfect place to bring my non existent significant other. Get a few drinks and cozy up to some live music. Then stumble across the street buzzed and holding hands and fall into my absurdly low to the ground bed for sexy time. *le sigh*

What else is going on? I attempted to be friendly with Jason again to no avail. He cant randomly appear in Seattle and a.) expect my girls to not notice and b.) for me to not say something. Semi recently I have started fantasizing about showing someone (*cough* we all know who *cough*) around Seattle. It would be kind of nice to show someone who loves me that part of miya... Oh wait he never loved me so why would I get confused and fantasize about that? Silly Miya. They don't care about you! Gotta keep my chin up. Going to California on Friday. Lonely and dreaming of the West Coast.


I know I know I know…
I can’t keep it all together
And there’s a memory of a window
Looking through I see you
Searching for something I could never give you
And there’s someone who understands
You more than I do
A sadness I can’t erase
All alone on your face

I used to fall asleep to this song when I was in college but now the addiction/sadness themes are definitely more relevant at 25 years old. Wait….. where did that optimism go?