Entropy

March 23, 2015 9:02 pm


Calculate the entropy
Running out of energy
A lack of love or empathy
Leave me lonely

Sorry for the lack of posts. Let me sum a few things up as best I can. I called out sick on Thursday because I felt so alienated from my office. Cole gave me a lot of good advice in my situation and he seems committed to trying to make me happier in my work. He pointed out that I have a very thin skin. This is not news to me. I’ve been aware of how sensitive and moody I am since my early childhood. I’ve only recently felt that its detracting from my life in a negative way. Part of me resents this archaic patriarchal value that emotional and leadership must be mutually exclusive. I understand crying at your desk is distracting in the workplace but I think we have a long way to go to embrace sensitivity as a positive, progressive quality. Hilary Clinton is our most forefront female politician and she exudes extremely masculine characteristics. I think she’s had to in order to get to where she’s been! Anyways I told Cole I am working on compartmentalizing my feelings and that I really like working at bloomies. I just dont feel like I fit in, and I dont feel included professionally. No one values my opinion or listens to me. So sitting in these two hour meetings where talk in circles are pretty painful. Hopefully I can be given projects that are more hands on like the big cashmere campaign for 2015.

On my day off I met up with Dedrick who introduced me to his friend/drug dealer, Boo. We met him in Old Navy and then went to McDonalds for the exchange. Boo seems harmless enough. He was wearing a large navy puffer and lacoste sunglasses and he had two gold front teeth. He tapped me knee under the table and handed me a wad of papertowels filled with oxycodone. I giggle and clumsily handed him the cash. I got 20 pills for $100. Not a bad price at all in my opinion. We exchanged numbers while Dedrick ate his food and then parted ways. Later Dedrick told me to be smart and not let Boo find out where I live. I appreciate the common sense reminder and I’m overjoyed to feel the sense of security in knowing I have something tucked away in my desk drawer to alleviate any of my really bad moods.

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I got this tapestry on clearance at Urban Outfitters. Not entirely sure how I feel about it but I’m leaving it up for now. I might take it down and use it as a beach blanket instead. I like that it matches my rug though.


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Mummyko sent me a care package with a Japanese fashion magazine, washi tape and socks that say “Shut your Pie Hole”


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Friday I went on a date with Luis after work. I had spoken to him on the phone the previous night (so old school) and he had said something about how okcupid and messaging people was stupid and how people should do it in the old days and just walk up to a lady on the street and say hello. That really pissed me off and I told him so. I had to explain that he basically shitted all over my experiences and made no sense as we would never have met if it werent for okcupid and emojis and texting! He apologized. I think he was trying to show off with his definitive opinions on the world and got a little caught up. Anyways we met at Mud Coffee for some latte’s and good conversation. I liked him SO much better in person. He is tall and solidly built and even though he doesnt have his septum piercing in anymore, he still looks very much the definition of ‘hardcore’. Turns out he lived in Sweden and Norway for two years which explains why he was saying good night in Swedish to me. I just cant seem to escape it eh? Anyways I really like him a lot. He was nervous which I found soooooo cute. And we just got to know each other and then we went and got ramen!! I was left with a very chaste goodbye kiss and then some INSANE sexting ensued later that night. We seem to be on the same page regarding some very primal sexual fantasies and I’ll leave it at that hahahaah.


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Saturday, Riley and Lyle came over! Lyle helped me fix my jammed IKEA drawer because he is amazing and as my wifeys future husband, its his duty to help me out in times of need. Afterwards he ran to the grocery store and Riley and I just hung out in my freezing bedroom and chatted about all the upcoming changes. We also facetimed my sister and Mr Yuko. Aimee is going through a really hard time right now. She left her boyfriend, Chris and is moving back in with my parents and staying in my room. Because my mother is so allergic Mr. Yuko has to stay upstairs. Aimee says he misses Simon a lot. Shes dealing with all the confused emotions that come along with a break up. I’m trying to be supportive and listen. I think Chris is a giant pussy coward. He was essentially a passive aggressive asshole while my sister drove herself crazy trying to repair their relationship. This went on for a YEARRRR. He should have just broken up with her. Now everything is so messy.


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Saturday night I went to go see The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time at the Barrymore Theater with Steff and her friend Megan. I was in a foul mood because I realized the play was three hours and I wouldnt be able to meet up with Luis afterwards like I had hoped. The performance was really quite good. I think the coolest part was the set. It was like a simple gridded room but they were able to convey flying through outerspace and the crush of riding the tube in London so perfectly!!! The play is about a 15 year old autistic boy and I have to admit I was a bit annoyed by the story. The parents were assholes and the kid was having constant freakouts. I’ve noticed more recently that its hard for me to watch someone else screaming and having an anxiety attack or doing drugs even in the context of a play or movie. It makes me squirm. All the screaming and thrashing and banging was uncomfortable for me to watch. But I’m sure its much worse for those who are actually autistic. :(


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New shiny shoes. I felt like these were great versatile shoes I can wear to work. Still struggling with my professional wardrobe vs. real miya wardrobe but I’m sure it will come together in the end!!

I got another letter from Raphael and its soooo good. About 8 pages front and back. I am really enjoying this correspondence we have. I am trying to focus back on my goals this week of reading, writing, working out and volunteering. I also mailed a package to Norma and a package to my old co worker Pam. :) I picked up a pretty sakura card for Jiji’s 92nd birthday. My own birthday is coming up so soon (April 8th!!!). I’m planning on not doing anything. I’m very much over the concept of birthday parties. I would love to share the day with a significant other but instead I will settle for relaxing by myself. I’ve had a couple disturbing dreams recently. 1.) I was pregnant and giving birth and then my family took me to Cuba via roller coaster and 2.) I was at the mall in a Delias store. They were still trying to get through all our old merchandise but they had been renamed Furri. The second dream is in direct correlation to the Delias official instagram that is hinting at the company’s resurrection. I guess somebody must have bought the name…… It’s like a nightmare that never ends. Anyway that is all for now!

Getting called into Cole’s office + lots of photos

March 17, 2015 10:13 pm


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I’ve been really feeling shitty at work. Taking 2+ kpinz a day just to keep from crying and to keep my temper even. A lot of it is definitely hormonal but a lot of it is realizing how unhappy I am in my job. Bloomies is an awesome company to work for and its obviously so much better than Delias, but im not blossoming like I thought I would be. Cole is making me have a tb with him tomorrow at 9am to talk about things. I’m not sure what to even say. I dont think I am well suited for the position and I dont fit in with my team. :( I’ve always taken such pride in my work ethic, so to feel like such a failure is really disheartening. Rhoda insists that I am doing wonderful and that everyone loves me, but then why do I feel like I cant do anything right? Today, Mike the head retoucher whom I am developing a mini crush on asked me if everything was okay. In the stiffest/smallest voice ever I said, “Yes.” He gave me this incredulous look like he wanted me to lay my misery all over him right there in the cube in front of all our coworkers. Instead I just gave him a peace sign and walked away, swallowing a giant lump in my throat.

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HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA

March 16, 2015 11:53 am

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This literally just made my day

Big Girls Cry

March 16, 2015 7:16 am


I wake up, I wake up, I wake up,
I wake up, I wake up, I wake up, I wake up… alone

I may cry ruining my make up
Wash away all the things you’ve taken
And I don’t care if I don’t look pretty
Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking

#EVERYGODDAMNLYRIC

Crush’d by the dream

March 15, 2015 10:10 am

dedbeaver

This pretty much sums up the past week for me emotionally :(

I texted Adam….
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Laugh so you dont cry

March 14, 2015 10:11 am


lolz

Disclaimer for morons that dont understand humor: I would never actually post those photos.

Beaver carrying mud up lodge

Don’t give up on the dream. A pond of my own and a partner who wants to help build it with me.

Extreme statements

March 14, 2015 10:02 am

Miya *crying*: I feel like I am never going to find him
Therapist *calmly*: That is an extreme statement


Miya goes home and gathers evidence of how horrible the world is proving why I will be forever dancing on my own.

vom

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? Everyone is entitled to their own lifestyles but it still really creeps me out that they think I would be interested. Doesn’t he see my caveat about not thriving in the grey zone???? I agree with Beyonce (once again): exclusivity is sexy. I hope is wife is banging someone way hotter/funnier/smarter than him :D

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I reported this user as a fake to moderators so hopefully they delete this person. It’s not funny at all to take other peoples photos and use them on your obviously fake okcupid account.

Things not to say to Miya when she is crying

March 14, 2015 8:29 am
  • Do you have allergies?
  • Stop being moody and listen to me
  • As a friend you’ve been pushing me away
  • I have happy pills but sorry I cant come downstairs and meet you in the lobby and give them to you.
  • Come play hooky with me and we’ll walk around williamsburg and talk about it
  • Whats wrong?

Updated my sidebar a little bit: mini bio, and added Miya’s Sadness playlist because it is the defining music of the past few years.

A proper dealer

March 12, 2015 7:12 pm

Today I finally got Dedrick to meet up with me during lunch time. He found me on the sidewalk crying. Tomorrow night I think he is going to introduce me to a proper dealer.

I texted Chris that I dont want to see him again. As per usual he gave no emotional reaction. I’ve been crying for the past 48 hours and the 100 people I work with every day can totally tell and its completely humiliating. I texted Cole that maybe I need to find a new job. I just dont belong and I dont see what my purpose is. No one listens to my contributions and I’m not valued. I used to be an amazing, respected Assistant Buyer at a shitty company. Now i’m some pathetic middle person who dresses and behaves unprofessionally at some big corporate behemoth. I’m alone and weird and struggling every day. I do not fit in at all. I dont want to talk about dieting and how to stay thin. I want to talk about beavers and race relations in America. But everyone just laughs nervously and comments on how I am dressed too casually. I’m not even an outstanding employee. I was a better merchant….

I still havent broken my social media intervention. But whats strange is Miya’s Sadness used to be in direct relation to ES. And also delias. But now neither of those things are directly in my life anymore so I guess I’m just sad Miya now? I’m just miserable and lonely and isolated and crying all the time because this is just my new identity. Maybe I need to move back to Seattle? I love New York, but what is the point of my living here anymore? I accomplished exactly what I wanted and I am so unhappy. So what is the point?

Rhoda just told me if I need to take the day off tomorrow than I should take it off. I replied that work is one of the only reasons why I get out of bed anymore so I would like to come in even if it makes everyone uncomfortable.

A reason to keep going

March 12, 2015 8:05 am


I said always.