Calculate the entropy
Running out of energy
A lack of love or empathy
Leave me lonely
Sorry for the lack of posts. Let me sum a few things up as best I can. I called out sick on Thursday because I felt so alienated from my office. Cole gave me a lot of good advice in my situation and he seems committed to trying to make me happier in my work. He pointed out that I have a very thin skin. This is not news to me. I’ve been aware of how sensitive and moody I am since my early childhood. I’ve only recently felt that its detracting from my life in a negative way. Part of me resents this archaic patriarchal value that emotional and leadership must be mutually exclusive. I understand crying at your desk is distracting in the workplace but I think we have a long way to go to embrace sensitivity as a positive, progressive quality. Hilary Clinton is our most forefront female politician and she exudes extremely masculine characteristics. I think she’s had to in order to get to where she’s been! Anyways I told Cole I am working on compartmentalizing my feelings and that I really like working at bloomies. I just dont feel like I fit in, and I dont feel included professionally. No one values my opinion or listens to me. So sitting in these two hour meetings where talk in circles are pretty painful. Hopefully I can be given projects that are more hands on like the big cashmere campaign for 2015.
On my day off I met up with Dedrick who introduced me to his friend/drug dealer, Boo. We met him in Old Navy and then went to McDonalds for the exchange. Boo seems harmless enough. He was wearing a large navy puffer and lacoste sunglasses and he had two gold front teeth. He tapped me knee under the table and handed me a wad of papertowels filled with oxycodone. I giggle and clumsily handed him the cash. I got 20 pills for $100. Not a bad price at all in my opinion. We exchanged numbers while Dedrick ate his food and then parted ways. Later Dedrick told me to be smart and not let Boo find out where I live. I appreciate the common sense reminder and I’m overjoyed to feel the sense of security in knowing I have something tucked away in my desk drawer to alleviate any of my really bad moods.
I got this tapestry on clearance at Urban Outfitters. Not entirely sure how I feel about it but I’m leaving it up for now. I might take it down and use it as a beach blanket instead. I like that it matches my rug though.
Mummyko sent me a care package with a Japanese fashion magazine, washi tape and socks that say “Shut your Pie Hole”
Friday I went on a date with Luis after work. I had spoken to him on the phone the previous night (so old school) and he had said something about how okcupid and messaging people was stupid and how people should do it in the old days and just walk up to a lady on the street and say hello. That really pissed me off and I told him so. I had to explain that he basically shitted all over my experiences and made no sense as we would never have met if it werent for okcupid and emojis and texting! He apologized. I think he was trying to show off with his definitive opinions on the world and got a little caught up. Anyways we met at Mud Coffee for some latte’s and good conversation. I liked him SO much better in person. He is tall and solidly built and even though he doesnt have his septum piercing in anymore, he still looks very much the definition of ‘hardcore’. Turns out he lived in Sweden and Norway for two years which explains why he was saying good night in Swedish to me. I just cant seem to escape it eh? Anyways I really like him a lot. He was nervous which I found soooooo cute. And we just got to know each other and then we went and got ramen!! I was left with a very chaste goodbye kiss and then some INSANE sexting ensued later that night. We seem to be on the same page regarding some very primal sexual fantasies and I’ll leave it at that hahahaah.
Saturday, Riley and Lyle came over! Lyle helped me fix my jammed IKEA drawer because he is amazing and as my wifeys future husband, its his duty to help me out in times of need. Afterwards he ran to the grocery store and Riley and I just hung out in my freezing bedroom and chatted about all the upcoming changes. We also facetimed my sister and Mr Yuko. Aimee is going through a really hard time right now. She left her boyfriend, Chris and is moving back in with my parents and staying in my room. Because my mother is so allergic Mr. Yuko has to stay upstairs. Aimee says he misses Simon a lot. Shes dealing with all the confused emotions that come along with a break up. I’m trying to be supportive and listen. I think Chris is a giant pussy coward. He was essentially a passive aggressive asshole while my sister drove herself crazy trying to repair their relationship. This went on for a YEARRRR. He should have just broken up with her. Now everything is so messy.
Saturday night I went to go see The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time at the Barrymore Theater with Steff and her friend Megan. I was in a foul mood because I realized the play was three hours and I wouldnt be able to meet up with Luis afterwards like I had hoped. The performance was really quite good. I think the coolest part was the set. It was like a simple gridded room but they were able to convey flying through outerspace and the crush of riding the tube in London so perfectly!!! The play is about a 15 year old autistic boy and I have to admit I was a bit annoyed by the story. The parents were assholes and the kid was having constant freakouts. I’ve noticed more recently that its hard for me to watch someone else screaming and having an anxiety attack or doing drugs even in the context of a play or movie. It makes me squirm. All the screaming and thrashing and banging was uncomfortable for me to watch. But I’m sure its much worse for those who are actually autistic. :(
New shiny shoes. I felt like these were great versatile shoes I can wear to work. Still struggling with my professional wardrobe vs. real miya wardrobe but I’m sure it will come together in the end!!
I got another letter from Raphael and its soooo good. About 8 pages front and back. I am really enjoying this correspondence we have. I am trying to focus back on my goals this week of reading, writing, working out and volunteering. I also mailed a package to Norma and a package to my old co worker Pam. :) I picked up a pretty sakura card for Jiji’s 92nd birthday. My own birthday is coming up so soon (April 8th!!!). I’m planning on not doing anything. I’m very much over the concept of birthday parties. I would love to share the day with a significant other but instead I will settle for relaxing by myself. I’ve had a couple disturbing dreams recently. 1.) I was pregnant and giving birth and then my family took me to Cuba via roller coaster and 2.) I was at the mall in a Delias store. They were still trying to get through all our old merchandise but they had been renamed Furri. The second dream is in direct correlation to the Delias official instagram that is hinting at the company’s resurrection. I guess somebody must have bought the name…… It’s like a nightmare that never ends. Anyway that is all for now!