1: What are you wearing?
2: Ever been in love?
3: Ever had a terrible breakup?
4: How tall are you?
5: How much do you weigh? YES! I actually answer this question above!!!!
6: Any tattoos?
7: Any piercings?
9: Favorite show?
10: Favorite bands?
11: Something you miss? .
12: Favorite song?
13: How old are you?
14: Zodiac sign?
15: Quality you look for in a partner?
16: Favorite Quote?
17: Favorite actor?
18: Favorite color?
19: Loud music or soft?
20: Where do you go when you’re sad?
21: How long does it take you to shower?
22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
23: Ever been in a physical fight?
24: Turn on?
25: Turn off?
26: The reason I joined YouTube?
28: Last thing that made you cry?
29: Last time you said you loved someone?
30: Meaning behind your YouTube Name?
31: Last book you read?
32: The book you’re currently reading?
33: Last show you watched?
34: Last person you talked to?
35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted?
36: Favorite food?
37: Place you want to visit?
38: Last place you were?
39: Do you have a crush?
40: Last time you kissed someone?
41: Last time you were insulted?
42: Favorite flavor of sweet?
43: What instruments do you play??
44: Favorite piece of jewelry?
45: Last sport you played?
46: Last song you sang?
47: Favorite chat up line?
48: Have you ever used it?
49: Last time you hung out with anyone?
50: Who should answer these questions next?
Tonight I went to go see a show at Jones Beach which apparently was constructed purposely way back in the day to be inaccessible by public transportation so as to prevent black people from visiting. Although in light of the Ferguson protests, clearly we haven’t come very far at all in terms of dealing with racism in this country , but that’s a topic for another post.
The show line up was AFI, 30 seconds to mars and Linkin Park. Due to some drama with Sarah, I was late in arriving (had to take the LIRR and a shuttle bus just to get to this damn theater) so I missed basically the entire 30STM set. Who starts a show at 6:30 anyways?!? So ridiculous!!! But I’ve seen 30STM before so I wasn’t too cut up about it plus jared is obsessed with touring so he will be back. Linkin Park was whatever. It’s kind of embarrassing how much of their music I know. It kind of just felt like 15,000 people doing karaoke together hahahah. I befriended a couple of Long Island college kids which was kind of sweet. They seem both intimidated by me and also really keen on being friendly. More importantly, my outfit today was Miya perfection :) I’m about to fall asleep on the train ride home but that’s all for now.
After therapy today I went grocery shopping and talked to my mum. I realized I had this weird feeling while recounting my jersey shore tales to my therapist. She said it sounded like I had a lot of fun and that my experience was very surreal. I enjoy partaking in these experiences for the stories I get, even if they seem contradictory to the other parts of me. For the most part I am a walking oxymoron. Its that Aries sun and Libra ascending I guess. hahaha. But afterwards I told my mom I felt almost guilty. Like I missed being home all weekend with my sadness. I missed missing him. It makes absolutely no sense of course. Shannon told me the first time she realized she hadn’t thought about Ken all day she felt awful. I guess its like you’re letting something go that was so important to you.
My mother of course put it all into perspective with her usual subtleties, “Sitting at home missing him is more pathetic then being trashy at the Jersey Shore!” I haven’t cried in two weeks and it feels strange. You become accustomed your sadness, almost like a security blanket. Obviously this is just part of moving on. I refuse to think of it as relinquishing anything though. I am moving on because I have to move on. I cant stand still in one place and wither into dust. I got a new job. I’m making more money. I’m pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I am volunteering. I’m medicating for my tears and my anxiety. I am reconnecting with old friends and making new ones. I’m reading. I’m taking new classes at the gym. I’m watching Twin Peaks. I’m reblogging humor on tumblr. I’m going to shows. I’m getting up every morning and finding joy in getting dressed. I’m rediscovering incredible music I missed before. I booked a proper trip to see Aaron in Santa Barbara in October. I am having fun and crazy new experiences like the Jersey Shore. I’m focusing on feeling better. Yes I am moving on, but I have my truth and I will have it with me till the end. I dont need to worry about dating anyone right now. All I know is that I want to be the best version of Miya possible so that when we find each other, I’ll be ready for him. He’s out there somewhere and he’s looking for me too.
My mother sent me this randomly. She is a funny one. Also hate is a strong word, but it is an apt one to describe my mother’s feelings towards him for how things went down in the spring. She is going to Europe next month with my father for their wedding anniversary. I told her she should go ahead and beat his ass while she is there. But alas even violence won’t change a thing.
Today after work I officially went on a tour of the animal shelter in East Harlem that I will be volunteering at. I quickly realized it was my first time actually in an animal shelter and I found the visit to be a lot more emotionally trying then I realized. ACC is a well oiled machine with a very thorough and efficient process considering the number of animals that pass through their doors. Mike, the volunteer coordinator, gave me a very informative tour and recap of what goes on in their facility. It didnt hurt that he is kinda really cute too. Compassion looks sexy on a man.
The building is two stories and has various rooms that will change purposes depending on the needs of the animals currently in house. They have a 72 hour holding period for all animals surrendered or picked up in which the staff does everything they can to try and contact the owner. After that they are given a quick on site vet exam. If they are sick with an infectious disease (like kennel cough) then they are placed in a separate room and put on a treatment of antibiotics. Next they are given a behavioral assessment to make and once that is cleared, they are brought upstairs to the adoption rooms. I saw at least fifty large dogs that were ready for adoption. Most of them were sadly pitbulls or pit-mixes. All of them gave me these sad hopeful looks that were literally heart wrenching. There was another room with the lil yappy dogs. A white fat chihuahua was staring at me with such intensity I had to laugh! I was shown the bunny room and the kitten room too. The cats that were ready for adoption were a lot more chilled out then the dogs. There was this huge one that could barely be contained by his little house. Their bored expressions made me want to squish them all the more!
Mike went over the touchy subjects like humane euthanasia which I know is not ideal, but I can understand why its necessary when they take in so many animals. Many of them are sick or so abused they cant ever be adopted and live a happy, healthy life again. I think the hardest part was realizing that everyday, based on their cases, certain animals are added to the list and will be euthanized the next day. Its going to take a lot of discipline on my part to not become to attached to these little guys. All I can do is try to give them some joy and companionship during their time at the shelter. Mike emphasized how important the volunteer program is for educating the public on preventing animals from ending up in their shelters through adoption and consistent spaying and neutering practices. The idea that some people pay hundreds, even thousands of dollars for a particular breed when there are plenty of loving, happy pets out there is really hard for me to digest. Fuck, I feel that way about children for the most part too!!!! The volunteers also play a key role in relieving the animals of stress which keeps them healthier and prevents the spread of disease.
When I was waiting for the tour, a teenage girl came in and told the staff that her mother had surrendered their dog to the shelter and she just wanted to say goodbye. One of the staff members took her back to the kennels and when she came back out a little while later she was crying. There was also a family upstairs adopting one of the biggest grey pitbulls I had ever seen. Seriously, that dog could have played fetch with a log. I think this experience will be really good for me. Just another normalizing activity that keeps me grounded. Everyone can be freaking out about the models looking fat in the jeans and ruining sales, but I can come up to the shelter and coo at some cats. <3
The next steps are training videos and an in shelter training session. Mike asked me what kind of animal I would be if I could be any animal and I told him I would probably choose to be a cat. And he said, “Thats a good answer. I would be a duck because then I could walk, swim or fly.” bahahaha what an endearingly dorky thing to say. I hope I get to see more of him.
I am drifting
Without an anchor
Through your ambigous region
A strange continent
Immune to all reason
And I’m flattered by
Your grey matter
And I do not understand
Why a woman can’t
Just love a man
New favorite Jewel song. Last night I went to drinks with my co workers, except I didnt drink because I had to take kpinz. Was worried about the social implications of showing up to happy hour for a coke, but refreshingly only one person barely registered I was going sober that night. Plus one of the retouchers wasnt drinking either. So refreshing to hang out with mature individuals who arent focused on drowning their sorrows with alcohol and regrettable decisions. I’ll be revisiting the land of trashed and bad behavior this weekend anyways.
I was most drawn to a woman from Carol Ann’s team named Franzi. She is older than me (33 i think?) and from Germany, although shes been in the NYC for 12 years now. She was telling us about her latest Tinder fiasco in which the guy totally lied to her about wanting to engage in a serious relationship when really all he wanted was a booty call. Why would you tell someone that you’re ready to get married and have children just to get laid? Truly sad. Even worse that Franzi got her hopes up. :/ Another girl on Franzi’s team named Maria asked me if I was single and I affirmed. She pointed out that the bar we were in was FULL of guys to which I replied, “I am not in a good mental state for dating right now.” She nodded her understanding with no prying or interrogation or stupid advice. GOD SO REFRESHING TO BE AROUND PEOPLE WHO GET MIYA! Everyone was deciding on what bar to go to next when Franzi declared she wanted to go to a nearby bakery and get banana pudding instead. Naturally I jumped on that bandwagon and omg that banana pudding was unreal. lolololz. I hope I get to hang out with her and lament the lack of datable men in New York again.
EDIT: chatting with carol ann about last night. Franzi told her she thinks I’m pretty! <333 I now officially have a girl crush on Franzi!
It’s important that everyone understands that Joel Kinnaman is a Sagittarius and therefore is probably made of the same fire that would cleanse my sadness.
THIS WEEKEND: MIYA IS GOING TO THE JERSEY SHORE!
Stay tuned for hilarity and ridiculousness!
Last night I had another dream starring my ghost. Something involving hiking on Mt. Rainier, which is one of my favorite places on earth. It wasn’t a very nice dream though and I woke up feeling distraught. My therapist thinks I use my sadness as a way to stay close to him. It is taking all my self control to leave it alone and not check.
When I go through and read my old blog posts like this one from September 2010 I start to realize how far I have come. That ‘fantasy idea of my life’s timeline’ which was always a very rough draft to begin with, completely deteriorated in the past three years. For so long I was working towards this goal of living independently and supporting myself by working in the fashion industry. But once I got there, I sort of lost sight on what my next goal should be. I have changed so much since writing that post and even though the future seems more abstract than it did at age 21, I do have a stronger idea of what I want for myself (someone who makes me feel like ES did but who will give me more than grey). Living and learning ya’ll. Just keep poppin dem pills doe.