Today is the first day in a year that I have not had access to painkillers. I took my last pill last night. I am now facing something I have been avoiding since Spring. Dealing with sadness sober.
Had some game changing realizations in therapy last night…. Maybe I’ll post about them later because I’m not feeling well enough to address right now. My sister thinks he is just here to laugh at me. The thought is too awful for me to comprehend…. Please leave me alone.
Tonight went to shit….and I’ve managed to ruin my friendships too.
As I wrote earlier, I had early dismissal on Monday due to the storm aptly named Juno. The weather guys were all predicting two feet of snow in Manhattan so the city shut down the train system which is always a HUGE deal. I think the only other time they have ever done that was for Hurricane Sandy. Anywho, the storm missed us by about 50 miles so we woke up with around 8 inches whereas Long Island was fucked over hardcore. Pretty much everyone had the day off work on Tuesday due to public transit. Sarah was in Jersey for a managers conference so I had the apartment to myself. In the morning I was uber productive and cleaned the entire apartment and tidied up my room and then I kind of went on an opiate binge and just relaxed like crazy. It was wonderful. Needless to say there was a bunch of selfies involved. :)
If you havent noticed I’ve gotten really into vlogging. I think they will be fascinating to look back on in ten years.
Aimee sent me this picture of Yuko chewing on a banana toy
Rhoda was telling Ruth and I about this amazing Honey Badger documentary on Netflix. Everyone has seen the infamous youtube honey badger video so I was totes going to watch an hour long PBS nature documentary about this insane creature. Ruth was disgusted by their fearless attitudes but I became a little obsessed and started googling the shit out of badgers. I usually think of a badger as having a longer snout and being more black and white striped. After a bit of sleuthing I discovered the breed I was thinking of is a European Badger. The above picture is of an American Badger. And the Japanese Badger’s are more red/rust colored allover! But basically all badgers are fucking adorable!!! I remember in kindergarten, my friend Estelle’s dad died from cancer. The school counselor came into our class to explain why Estelle wasnt there and she read us a picture book about a badger who died. He was a very dignified old man badger in a little suit. I remember him packing up his case and walking up out of his burrow into the light. I think I have a sad sweet connotation with these animals ever since then.
I’m going to Shaun’s birthday party on Saturday night in Soho so I decided to play dress up and plan my outfit ahead of time. Just another girl in a pair of disco pants…. (but I got mine for half price ha!)
My other recent obsession is washi tape. Ever since I started my bullet journal, I have been watching tons of videos on youtube about girls and their planners/journals. Its a huge crafting community online and the biggest thing thats happening is this thin making tape that comes in super cute colors/prints from Japan. Being the sheep consumer I am, I found some american branded washi tape in Target and splurged. In theory it sounds incredibly lame and stupid but if you search for washi tape on pinterest or etsy or tumblr you will see all the amazing things you can do with it! Bahahah. I am such a nerd. I think I am going to use that orange/coral color to mark which pages of my bullet journal are my monthly budget pages. Just an update on the whole bullet journal thing: I LOVE IT. It’s helped me clear my head and get organized with all the little mundane things in my life!!! And its really impacted my budget goals. There is just something so much more effective for me about WRITING it down old school style with pen and paper. The joy of this blog is free form thought with minimal editing and I am a much speedier typist than writer. But its two different end goals and therefore two different methods.
Cole sent me this behind the scenes shot from our Mexico swim lookbook. <3
Favorite Japanese candy. They are little sour umeboshi (pickled plum) balls. Sooooo addictive.
I had to use my phone to take pictures during turn in this week. This is Yasamin, the MA for leased designer brands. Everyone on the creative team is really down on her because shes got the hardest fucking position in the company. All those European designers are fucking crazy. And the way her business works, she basically reports to them. She and I have a great relationship though and I think she is super smart.
I dontated my old womens magazines to Fox House this week. I think it was good mix of sex fluff (cosmo) and pretentious fashion (vogue).
Babysitting for arts and crafts! This little baby is named Tiana!! She had the best temperament and strongest, bounciest legs. The girl holding her is named Shayna and a current FMM student at FIT. It was nice to meet her! The little girl Sofia was still at Fox house this month, but she’s become super attached to her mother and only let me hold her for a few minutes before crying. I understand though. I would want my mama too.
The craft that night was to make valentine hearts with paint and glitter. One of the little boys made a heart magic wand that he was going to give to his girlfriend at school. I asked him if he chased her around the playground and he said no. I asked him if he was super nice to her and he said yes. I approved and told him he should treat her well if he likes her.
I tried to steam my blouse and it was still wrinkled at the bottom. Wah!
Went to a really interesting work meeting yesterday regarding a redesign of our website. I had a rare sighting of one of our two in house developers. His named was Mike and he looked kind of like a moron. We are talking about bringing our page out to the ‘Full Width’ of our customers screen resolution. It was interesting to see the data behind what the top five customer screen resolutions actually are. Apparently there was an offhand remark from the hot creative director regarding changing our image aspect ration as well as going ‘Full Width’. The amount of retrofitting that would be required to get this done prior to Holiday 2015 would cost us a HUGEEEEEEE amount of money. I had recently been shopping on Express’s website and noticed how they switched up their browse pages in a redesign and I think they look amazing. OF course I didn’t bring this up in the meeting because Express is considered an embarrassing place to shop at least among the NYC fashion set. (I take great relish whenever someone compliments me on something and I tell them its from Express hahahaha) I also didnt bring this up because it wasnt really relevant to the conversation. I have noticed that a lot of my work meetings involve circular conversations where everyone kind of repeats the same thing. I could have surmised the meeting in two sentences: Who wants to change the aspect ration and why? From a development POV thats not necessary to our end goal of driving conversion through larger images and it would cost a lot of money according to the retouchers. I definitely think we are moving in the right direction but I hope we can speed up some of the decision making. Even though Express’s assortment is 500 times smaller than our own, I think its pretty impressive that they got their vision together and I think its a lovely shopping experience. However I will probably continue to go in store and root around in the $10 bin for my prized finds. Mahahaha.
Happy Friday Ya’ll!!!! Been slacking on my nytimes articles recently!!! It’s probably going to be fucking Jeb Bush though. *Vom*
Who is open chested
And who has coagulated
Who can share
And who has shut down the chances
Show me emotional respect
I have emotional needs
I wish synchronize our feelings
The most recent #EVERYGODDAMNLYRIC comes from Björk’s latest album. My mood has been pretty erratic recently… Hence the super distressed post last night. I am out of drugs and it turns out Shannon cant get me more for the immediate future which is stressful but I am negotiating a new resource as we speak. I guess we will see about this weekend. *le sigh*.
Sooooooooooo Ruth suggested I look into writeaprisoner.com because her sister did it as her winter hobby last year. After a bit of research last week, I am seriously considering it. I even picked out the individual I think I would want to correspond with. You’re probably thinking I am insane at this point but the thing is: you should already know that by now. I have no idea why Ruth’s sister would consider this a ‘winter hobby’ but this makes perfect sense as a bizarre Miya activity. I like the idea that I would be writing someone with the intention of friendship and most likely the understanding that we will never ever meet in real life. God knows I seem to have gotten into these situations where I find emotional intimacy a lot easier to deal with through writing especially when it concerns straight men. As the website firmly states, this is not an online dating service.
I am not interested in becoming Charles Manson’s wife. Or any prisoner’s wife for that matter. I am not interested in a romantic relationship with a prisoner period end of story. Getting arrested equates to instant limp dick for me. I like the idea that this is an act of good will and allowing someone under great duress an outlet for their emotional turmoil. These people have done bad things but they are still human beings. Having a pen pal is supposed to give them a sense of normalcy and connection to the outside world. Perhaps I could offer some unforeseen perspective on their situation or at the very least give them an opportunity to vent their frustrations. I am particularly struck by the idea that having a pen pal could prevent prison violence, particularly suicide.
I texted my sister that I was thinking of writing someone in prison and it turns out she had just opened a PO Box to do the exact same thing. Maybe we are related after all? However my sister is in grad school for art therapy so this whole thing makes sense as part of her own personal development and education. She has already sent out SIX letters to various inmates across the country.
I read through a few of the profiles for men, women and transgender inmates and decided on who I would want to write. You can click here to read his profile. I think what immediately struck me about him was the gang affiliated tattoos. The website lists his crime as attempted murder with a firearm and gang enhancement. I managed to find the details of his court case here. Essentially he shot a guy at a house party for previously disrespecting him in a street fight. Sweet is currently in Venezuela but I was still able to chat with her via fb last week and she confirmed the presence of the Norteno gang in the bay area. I guess I think Rafael would be a good candidate for me to write to because he has 40 to life, which greatly diminishes the chance of us ever meeting. He mentions spending the last four years in solitary confinement which I cannot even begin to fathom. He has the education level of an eighth grader but he is currently working on getting his GED. I question whether he even speaks english as his profile reads like a translation (I have spent enough time on google translate to notice these nuances). I also just like the idea that this guy signed up to get a pen pal.
The whole thing is so crazy and seems so far removed from my own life that I am wildly interested! However a PO box in NYC is $124 for a year which is kind of more than I was expecting and yet I do not think it is wise to write from my home address or even work address. According to my co worker Stephanie, “Life sentences don’t really mean shit” and he could easily be released for ‘good behavior’ or some such jargon. I have no input on the legal proceedings of his case and I am not interested in trying to help him legally or financially. I really dont want to incur an actual stalker in real life. I might have proxy’s hitting up my blog and tumblr everyday from all different places in the world and I might have new girlfriends trying to start shit with me online (ridiculous. she needs to leave me the FUCK alone). But what I really dont need right now is someone from the Norteno gang rollin up in Harlem and trying to find his long time friend. I am completely oblivious to gang activity in my neighborhood aside from the candlelit vigil for the deceased Blood back in 2012 when I had first moved uptown. According to wikipeida: the Norteno’s and the Bloods do not get along.
Seriously what am I even going on about right now. I wonder what my therapist thinks? I will continue to mull this over until I can financially commit to a PO Box. I just really like the idea of giving Rafael someone to talk to.
I’ve been meaning to post about my co worker Sophie’s fashion blog for a while now. She does site merchandising for handbags and for some reason she seems to really like me. I have no idea why because she is soooooo nice and soooooo lovely and has this posh london accent and eternal sweetness about her and I’m like hum drum, disgruntled Miya. But for whatever reason we have an excellent rapport. Her blog is pure class. And while her stlye is nothing like my own I adore it. Like most fashion bloggers she is gifted with a photographer boyfriend who is also British. I grilled her about her entire immigration story because even though its not directly relevant to me, I am still interested in such things. Her bf got promoted and had to move to NYC and after considering long distance and even breaking up Sophie quit her position at Selfridges and took the big leap to move with him to NYC! In order to do so they legally got married although she doesnt wear a ring and there was no wedding at all. In the nine months that it took to get her visa bullshit paperwork figured out she kept herself sane with her blog. I find the whole story romantic and perfect!! Any who. Shes got quite the following but I suggest taking a peak so you can understand why I have no idea why she bothers talking to me! You can find the link through to her blog through her instagram
Werking that PPE suit at the NYACC on Saturday.
Babes stealing my heart one head butt at a time!!!
And the award for best snapchat ever goes to Nana!!! Oh the life of an airline stewardess…. *sigh* Jetting off to such beautiful places all the time.
Went to Barre today and this girl named Olivia has been trying to friend me hardcore. She is a little bit older than me but looks like this beautiful gothic Spanish girl. Even though I dont think she’s Spanish at all!! A few weeks ago she randomly introduced herself to me which caught me super off guard and then we went into full on chat mode which was hard for me because I usually go to workout and decompress and not socialize…. but I am trying to be nice!! Once again, I have no idea why she is suddenly interested in speaking to me when we have been attending this class for over a year together and never said a word previously! Ah well I guess we will see where this goes. My anxiety cant help but think about how she might want to get coffee sometime and I already have a list of like 500 people I am meant to see that I cant seem to get the motivation to make plans with…… :/ It’s so disheartening when I receive another text saying, “Miya!!! We need to hang out soon!!!! When are you free??” because to me it really just reads as “Miya you are failing at being a good friend!” and the truth is I dont have a lot of free time. Nursing a semi addiction is quite time consuming you see…. :( But at least I can always rely on drugs to make me feel good. Most of the time, people just make me even more sad.
On the way home from the gym I had treated myself to a post workout peanut butter milkshake (obvi!) when some cute guy on the phone accidentally lost his grip on his soda bottle and it toppled down onto my feet. It was super embarrassing for him because he was trying to catch it in mid air before essentially flinging it at me. Being the complete fool that I am in front of unknown straight guys I made it ten times more awkward. He apologized for basically throwing an empty bottle at me. I gave a little half swallowed gurgle, stepped over the bottle and hurried away averting my eyes. What a great way to meet people Miya!!!! Later, on the uptown D train I was sitting across from a Tim Riggens doppleganger (Phowar!!!!). I openely stared for about four seconds as I was applying my chapstick and then pretended not see him at all. I could feel his own eyes fixating on me most of the train ride uptown. I was so uncomfortable with this gaze that I almost got up and moved away from him. Stop looking at me hot guy!!!! Can’t you tell I’m all sad and fucked up and don’t want to have my heart trampled on any more than it already is. Luckily he didnt get off at 125th with me. Wow. I’m just a shining beacon of confidence and security and am surely going to find a potential partner soon……
Another co worker of mine gave me Xena seasons one and two on DVD. I used to LOVE this show as a kid and the warrior princess was definitely one of my icons of feminine strength. She’s just so bad ass and complicated and sexy all at the same time!!! When I was a little bit older and my mom explained the lesbian subtext and suddenly it was like I was in on the little secret! A xena/gabrille ship made perfect sense! I also really loved Ares, the god of war. Because he basically looked like stereotypical bad boy on steroids. My favorite character of all time though was Callisto. She was so hot!! And totally out of her mind: one minute hyper agressive and the next minute super vulnerable little girl!! And her notorious wailing scream was incredible. Yayyy for TV shows with great female characters!!!
I wish I had something nice to talk about. But frankly. I feel like shit. and I’m almost out of pills…. Another useless day of uselessly existing.
My team had a meeting with the hot Creative Director on Tuesday so I wore a blazer. Don’t worry I didnt say anything.
The more that people hate on fifty shades, the more I want to defend it. Also the three songs that have been leaked from the soundtrack are kind of amazing. And you know this movie is going to shut down the box office that weekend so HA HA haters. Laughing all the way to the bank!! I posted some sex workshop ladies video defending the fifty shades series ages ago and I completely agree. Everyone is dissing how the book portrays a BDSM relationship but at least we are actually having open conversations about BDSM!!! Maybe middle america will start trying something fun in bed!! Here’s to less divorces and better sex lives!!! It was Twilight fan fiction for fucks sake so it was never meant to be great literature. Also cant wait to see how they portray Seattle!
Went to drinks with Teodora and Narek. <3 I had two cosmo’s and MAJOR girl talk. Mainly about their sex lives since I don’t have a sex life any more. We also got free shots for helping choose the name of the next bar they open on 27th and third ave. Because I’m such an expert of bar names. But why the hell would you name your bar something like Bowerie Bar if you are not even on the Bowery??? Thats just idiotic. Narek, Teodora and I all liked different options but we all agreed that Flint and Fire would be a good choice.
Friday cube selfie. I asked for more responsibility at work. Cole approved because he could tell I was being underutilized. :D
I should have waited until I was at home and could take a happy pill. There is nowhere to cry in this office.
I’m still proud of my 17 days. That is pretty good for me.
I think he’s making a huge mistake, but I’m the one who is alone and sad so he is probably right and I am probably wrong. Of course I don’t really know, but he seems different now… He must be very happy. Thats good. I am still devastated.